Tag Archives: awards

An Anonymous Oscar Voter Reveals Her Picks

We recently received a typewritten, perfume-soaked letter from a real deal member of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences whose New Year’s Resolution was to be more forthcoming. Rather than tell her husband that she’s been using the Instant Pot to sterilize her clarinet reeds, she decided instead to fill us in on her OFFICIAL Oscar picks for 2019. This should give you, the film-going public, an idea of who might win before you wager another eyeball betting on Best Picture based solely on which title sounds most like your last name. Here’s what she had to say:

Hi fans! If the Academy finds out I’m doing this they’ll never let me watch a movie ever again so all I ask in return is to say a prayer for me or leave a little meat out on your porch tonight and I’ll come grab. Full disclosure: I spilled BBQ sauce on my ballot. I tried to let my dog lick it off so I could see it but he ate the whole thing. Here’s what I would’ve picked had that not happened:

Best Picture

BLACK PANTHER
BLACKKKLANSMAN
BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY
THE FAVOURITE
GREEN BOOK
ROMA
A STAR IS BORN
VICE

According to Green Book, the black guy and the white guy in it SHOULD NOT be friends, but they were anyway. I absolutely love movies where two guys who aren’t friends become friends beat up guys who don’t like that they’re friends, so this was like a glass of Gatorade after a fuck fest for yours truly.

Best Director

Spike Lee (BLACKKKLANSMAN)
Paweł Pawlikowski (COLD WAR)
Yorgos Lanthimos (THE FAVOURITE)
Alfonso Cuarón (ROMA)
Adam McKay (VICE)

What the Academy doesn’t want you to know is that the award usually goes to the craziest person instead of the one who best manages to tell a bunch of overpaid doorknobs where to stand. The only reason Bob Fosse won in 1972 was because he coated every camera lens in piss ahead of the shoot to give Cabaret the ethereal look that made it a hit. Anyway, this movie is so boring that I can’t believe the guy actually managed to make it without everyone quitting because they were so tired. Shooting a movie in black and white tells the public, “Don’t watch this!” but people did anyway so kudos to Alfonso C. for being so extreme.

Best Actress

YALITZA APARICIO (Roma)
GLENN CLOSE (The Wife)
OLIVIA COLMAN (The Favourite)
LADY GAGA (A Star Is Born)
MELISSA MCCARTHY (Can You Ever Forgive Me?)

Sometimes an Oscar voter has to let the cosmos guide them and I am no different. In this case, Olivia Colman shares a name with my FAVOURITE mustard and is in a movie called The Favourite so it was an easy choice. Please note that if Claire Foy from First Man were nominated she would’ve got my vote because my first child was a boy, “Foy” rhymes with “boy”, “boys” turned into men, and my first son is named Claire.

Best Actor

CHRISTIAN BALE (Vice)
BRADLEY COOPER (A Star Is Born)
WILLEM DAFOE (At Eternity’s Gate)
RAMI MALEK (Bohemian Rhapsody)
VIGGO MORTENSEN (Green Book)

I never knew Queen did We Will Rock You! I always thought it was the Stones!

Best Song

ALL THE STARS from Black Panther
I’LL FIGHT from RBG
THE PLACE WHERE LOST THINGS GO from Mary Poppins Returns
SHALLOW from A Star Is Born
WHEN A COWBOY TRADES HIS SPURS FOR WINGS from The Ballad of Buster Scruggs

Wow, this song reminded me of when I was a young woman and had a tryst with a real deal Moldovan Count. The guy’s bathtub was so big it had a shallow end I shit you not. I made a joke about there no being a diving board, he misinterpreted it as him not having a penis or something and next thing you know I was sharing a hammock with a loose rooster on a steamship headed back to good old U.S. of America.

Those are the only ones I usually vote on because I got a lemon tree in my backyard and honey I’d rather pick lemons than award winners. Plus, giving out supporting acting trophies is like giving James Beard Awards to dishwashers.

Love, Moon Lady (not my real name)

(This picture was enclosed)

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Top Four Months Of 2017

2017 clocked in at a full 12 months for the two thousand and seventeenth time since Jesus H. Christ died before he even got to get married. Unfortunately, the year was far from ideal but now that it’s 2018 we can once again strive to achieve the rare feat of a perfect year.

This was first achieved in 28 when the discovery of jars coupled with the advent of licking as foreplay, and the lowest snake count in recorded history led to utter perfection. The magic didn’t happen again until 1989 thanks in large part to a young Tom Hanks soothing the black hearts of ’88 by starring in both Turner & Hooch and The ‘Burbs.

Just because 2017 wasn’t perfect doesn’t mean we shouldn’t celebrate the achievements of the year’s top performing months. Here are four that stood out:

It was crisp, clean and lean at a very satisfying 30 days. One more day would make it look cocky, and a few less was make it seem as stupid as February. I celebrated my birth in April as I usually do but I’m not biased–April literally brought the heat by once again ushering in the freshness of a new season. The folks at SETI didn’t have anything to report but I’d wager that even if an alien invasion took place, it’d be hard to erase humanity’s wet April smiles (that led to dry May mouths).

What a beautiful grid! There’s nothing better than staring up at the stars on a hot July night with not one thought dedicated to the location of one’s earmuffs. Locally, the month got a boost thanks to Canada’s 15oth birthday, where the country’s most affluent citizens were able to spend hard earned gems on branded t-shirts and hats that will soon fill our nation’s thrift stores where serfs can purchase them for way below actual retail price.

An alien attack didn’t even cross my mind because any pre-scouting by a foreign species would show millions more bugs on Earth than usual, meaning they wouldn’t dare invade with so many extra soldiers in the zone armed with stingers and a taste for blood.

June is a pretty name for a woman, man, or gun, and it’s in the top four once again. Kids love June because it signals the end of another school year while adults love stripping last year’s grease off the grill, which can then be used as bait in yard traps. A good set of traps ensures safety in the event of an invasion, while a clean grill will give you and your family a tasty last meal before we’re all devoured or refined into a viscous fuel for warp engines.

No surprise here. August is consistently in the top four because it’s usually the warmest month of the year. This leads to stronger tubers come fall harvest which will feed us should we need to dig underground cities when a race of creatures from another planet take over our lithosphere but are nice enough to leave us the asthenosphere.