Tag Archives: Jesus

Cross Border Haircut

Now that Dongald is Grand Moff of her United States, we Canadians aren’t so eager to hop longitudes to enjoy American roads and avenues named after famous trees. We used to get excited at the prospect of prancing into the Eagle’s nest to buy legendary cereals, eat at restaurants with big food, and drop major coin on cheap milk thanks to your rock bottom food standards. But with the oven now preheated to “Hell”, we’ll probably be spending our Queens on local grease instead.

There are still a few things worth boinging the border for and that’s basically the thesis of the piece unless you’re more visual than visceral, in which case we invited you to enjoy the proceedings from a font standpoint.

Check these things out:

Cross Border Haircut

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“I am a barber, I am strong, I will quit if I snip wrong” – U.S. Snipocratic Oath

This one’s pretty simple: There are more people in the United States than in Canada. More people = more hair; more hair=more haircuts; more haircuts=more experienced barbers; more experienced barbers=better barbers; better barbers=better haircuts; better haircuts=better TV; better TV=popcorn sales; popcorn sales=corn profits; corn profits=more money for corn masters; more money for corn masters=happier corn masters; happier corn masters=more sex; more sex=more babies; more babies=more hair; more hair=more barbers.

It’s also worth noting that Vidal Sassoon arrived in the United States in 1965(!).

Cross Border God Shows

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“The only animal in this ark is our Wi-Fi password, which is BlackToad

There’s no denying that America’s gaga for God-god, and while tons of Yankee dudes and dudettes are loudest when yelling at Him inside their own heads during evening prayer, many more prefer to broadcast their praise from within immense crystal churches in stunning 4K and Dolby Stereo Surround Sound.

Our local Jesters of Jesus are more modest preferring “ministry miniseries” over “bethel blockbusters”. Our northern worshippers aim for a ceremonial tone that jives with stodginess of the Bible herself. I mean, you wouldn’t put a lacy bra on a beef’s udder now would you?

If you really want to see some praying, head over to the U.S. where billboards scream the Bible’s best, and real deal barkers pack immense complexes with fans and state-the-art wireless PA systems. Sometimes you gotta realize that money is best spent amplifying the voices of god’s faves as opposed to helping those god has deemed unfit to have money.

Cross Border Survival Games

“Hello boy, where do you wander?
Here is a riddle for you to ponder:
Down this path and up another;
Where man’s soul is torn asunder;
Whispers, spirits, evil things;
One plus two makes woodland kings”
– Unknown

Most of the world hates the same things as America, such as crud, wasps, goo, and the flu. But for some reason they’re the only ones who have a problem with socialized healthcare. That means that every trip into the Fab Fifty is a potentially dangerous mission where even a cute cut could translate to millions of dollars in wallet damage.

If you like to live dangerously, there’s no better way to put your blood at stake than by going to a place where guns are sprinkled into the landscape like salt on a baker’s apprentice’s fake pretzel. If you’re looking to roll the dice but can’t find a flock of glocks to get spicy with, ramp it up by getting a simple scrape then running around nude in the American woods. Try to survive the system and your numerous infections. If things get dicey you can return home to your Canadian doctor who has no idea if you’re rich or poor unless you wear one of those hats with the logo of your car on it.

Okay thanks for reading! Now it’s time for the OFFICIAL glennmacaulay.com blog after show:

 

2015 Advent Calendar — December 18

Your December 18 Advent treat window looks like this:

gum

You take it on a date and it isn’t interested in a relationship so you’re able to look past it to find today’s audio advent track–a sequel to December 15’s Christmas Dinosaur:

Here are the lyrics so you can show your Sunday School teacher:

Christmas Dinosaur arose from the grave three days after dying
He spent 40 days just walking around eating bugs, roaring and crying
His friends and family exploded in the blast so he felt a lot of sadness
He looked up above and asked his dad, “what is all this madness”?

Dinosaur God said,
“Chill, it’s fine, y
ou can join me up on cloud nine.
Pretty soon I’ll invent humankind
and Dinosaurs will blow their minds”

Christmas dinosaur smiled at his dad, ascended into heaven
He frollicked in the clouds, had sex with girls and made a friend named Kevin

2015 Advent Calendar — December 16

Your December 16 Advent treat window looks like this:

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You sing it an Irish hymn and it drifts off to sleep, allowing you to sneak past it to find today’s grungy holiday track:

Here are the lyrics in case your country needs a new national anthem:

I’m the man
Who turned away Mary
My inn was full
and Joseph looked scary

Had I known
She was pregnant with jesus
Would’ve offered her crackers and cheeses   

I paid the price
The Next day I had lice
a guy killed my wife

With a really dull knife

My inn caught on fire
And I always perspire
Now my prospects are dire
Gotta pray to my sire

Dear God I’m sorry, dude
I didn’t mean to be so fuckin rude
can you stop putting nails in my food?
I swear i think Jesus is really cool like you

420 snack pack with Easter

Today is a big day for almost everyone in North America, whether you’re a chilled out dripper or a blood of Christ sipper. Whoever you are and whatever you believe, you have something to celebrate on April 20th, 2014, the anniversary of not only Jesus’ best prank but also something to do with pot users getting the Internet.

In this year’s snack pack I’m going to include a little something for everyone, like a salad bar that doesn’t ignore the old cheese and crackers. Thankfully, there’s a lot of overlap because both groups really enjoy asking stupid questions. Weedies, grab your biggest cone and start gettin’ thirsty, and Pew Dudes, grab your favourite Bibby verse and assume the position, let’s get crazy….

420 Easter Psychedelic Snack Pack with Piety

And doooWnnnnn THE rabbbit whole weeeee gô….!!???!!!!!

We start our wild trip with the rabbit himself….question for the “higher ups”, is the Easter bunny a boy or a girl or does the universe care??? I don’t know but think about what gender our stars are…. is it working???? And a query for the believers, have you been good this year??

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Jesus with you (one of his bunnies) in his arms

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420’s Easter Rabbit

Further down we go….. more questions arise to expand your minds….if we can’t see sound then it should at least smell, right? And don’t forget that everything in Jesus’ time smelled like shit and that isn’t anything against him it was just that the barnyard and backyard were one and the same. Here’s some juice for both of your cups whether it’s a scared chalice or a big plastic hologram one from 7-11 that has Triple H on it…

Let’s now speed things up shall we?? But what is speed if the Earth only moves at one speed? That should have both parties thinking out loud while those around them just want to listen to their headphones, but this isn’t their day is it???

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God’s creation, weed’s foundation

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Approved by ministers AND sinisters

If Earth is 80% water then why do only 20% of us own boats?

Okay, that was heavy, it’s time to come down a bit, for our trip is almost over, yet every end is another beginning unless there are no sequels, but in Jesus’ case his second sequel is still in development.

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Did they eat cat in Biblical times? Yes, because they were allowed.

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Is this not what we are all fighting for?

And we arrive back at our normal consciousness in the only dimension we know. I hope that I have successfully aided in a beautiful holiday for I am here to serve and to get blaaaaazedddd and think about how Jesus would’ve really enjoyed the groundbreaking skateboarding that happened in the early late 80s/early 90s.

Bonus

Here’s a photo gallery from two years ago featuring some of 2012’s hottest starts smoking on some of 2012’s best burnt ends. I think everyone here is still alive but the value of their autographs may have fluctuated, for better or worse.

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