Tag Archives: candles

2015 Advent Calendar — December 16

Your December 16 Advent treat window looks like this:


You sing it an Irish hymn and it drifts off to sleep, allowing you to sneak past it to find today’s grungy holiday track:

Here are the lyrics in case your country needs a new national anthem:

I’m the man
Who turned away Mary
My inn was full
and Joseph looked scary

Had I known
She was pregnant with jesus
Would’ve offered her crackers and cheeses   

I paid the price
The Next day I had lice
a guy killed my wife

With a really dull knife

My inn caught on fire
And I always perspire
Now my prospects are dire
Gotta pray to my sire

Dear God I’m sorry, dude
I didn’t mean to be so fuckin rude
can you stop putting nails in my food?
I swear i think Jesus is really cool like you

2015 Advent Calendar — December 15

Your December 15 Advent treat window looks like this:


You wiggle your way through it and find today’s holiday track sitting on a crystal crate:

Here are the lyrics, certified by the Canadian Alliance of Unlicensed Bartenders:

In prehistoric Bethlehem
There was a star
It led three Brontosaurus
To the jungle floor

They brought some water, grass and meat
as gifts to give
Because a special dinosaur
Was ready to live

Christmas Dinosaur
Christmas Dinosaur

This dinosaur would soon grow up
and help the poor
He did some magic, grew a beard
made friends with whores

He made some others mad
because he was the shit
then everyone exploded
When a comet hit

Christmas Dinosaur
Christmas Dinosaur

2015 Advent Calendar — December 14

Your December 14 Advent treat window looks like this:


You call the cops and they arrive promptly to take it away to the joint, thus revealing today’s snarling holiday track:

Here are the lyrics because they’re VERY important:

The mall’s too full
I can’t find a spot

Where should I park
There’s too many cars

Today’s christmas eve
I waited too long

Runnin’ out of time
I’m a stupid boy

Handicap’s open
but i’m not a dick

Just a little tired
And probably sick

There’s a fucking spot
I’m too far away

That Lexus will get it
But I’ll give it a shot

pull around quick
put my blinker on

I’m almost there
but so is that mom

I’ll let her have it
It’s christmas time

Everybody’s stressed
I’m not alone

I’m too nice
I’m too nice

2015 Advent Calendar — December 13

Your December 13 Advent treat window looks like this:


You stab through it with your mother’s old Edmonton Expo ’84 pencil to reveal today’s bangin’ holiday track:

Here are the lyrics in case you need something for Poem Club this week:

An iPad pro with retina display
New socks, new hat, tickets to a play

I want Playstation games
and a new TV
Gummi bears in my stocking
and some  organic tea

Get me a smart watch
Some good scotch
a guitar amp
Could use a drone,
new phone
and a skateboard ramp

Some leather shoes
Would put me in the mood
for some artisanal food
and a local craft brew    

I really want a big sword
a billboard
With a picture of me
Giving bedroom eyes

I want the whole town to see
How pretty I look
They will become my pawns
I’ll be the motherfuckin rook

Give me a brand new tank
and a ton of guns
I want to own the bank
and raise a hundred sons

Find me a hot queen
Named colleen
A big old house
Get me a pool table
Horse stable
Golden blouse

I’ll wanna be your new god
that’s what I want

2015 Advent Calendar — December 12

Your December 12 Advent treat window looks like this:


You scream, “OPEN THE FUCK UP” at it and it obliges, revealing today’s southern-tinged holiday track:

Here are the lyrics that came to me in a dream where my teeth were on fire:

Well I like the smell of cigarettes
And I don’t mind sniffin’ caves
But when the clock strikes christmas
There’s another smell I crave

It ain’t the smell of turkey
And I don’t care much for bread
So when I think of Santa Claus
I put a candle near my head

light it up
breathe it in
merry christmas
to my kin 

Keep you spices, gingerbread
and stockings full of citrus
I love the smell of candles on christmas

Keep your turkey, apple pie
and grandma’s homemade biscuits
I love the smell of candles on christmas