Tag Archives: Mother’s Day

Things To Say To Your Mom If She Pretends She Doesn’t Know Who You Are

Mothers come in all different stinks and shapes, but the one thing they all have in common is their legal right to your ideas and body. A burden like that is tough for most mares to bare so it’s not uncommon to encounter one taking a well-deserved break by imagining that their spawn does not exist. As their creation, you can either accept this and go find a grandmother to cry on, or you can have a little fun and attempt to get her to crack like those guards in England who aren’t allowed to so much as glance, let alone nibble, at the savoury seeds thrown their way by eager tourists.

Here are things you can say to your mom when this natural phenomenon occurs (usually after a heavy twilight rainfall – beauty breeds beasts eh?):

Excuse me, are you my sister? You look like me, talk like me, and my picture is on your apron.

I studied mothers in university and you’re definitely mine.

I have 10 seconds to live so if you don’t stop being stupid this will be your last memory of me.

Look out behind you, it’s your son. Nope, hahahah he’s right here, it’s me.

What’s for dinner tonight, mom? Oh, this thing again? I see. Guess that means we’re having clams. Great, I love your clams, thank you mom.

Mom, I need your help, so please listen. I’ve been pranking Uncle Robert and for the next phase I need you to ask him bring his good computer over to our house, so stop pretending I am not yours and call your brother.

Lady, you kind of look like me – would you mind pretending to be my mother? I need to show my parole officer that I’m capable of love, even though I’m not hehehe.

I know you love The Matrix, but there’s an easier way to pretend you’re a whole different person: get zits!


Other Mothers

I love my mom so much that it’d be unfair to drag her good name and likeness into a website that doesn’t take anything seriously except its Contact Information. At the same time, I’d hate to ignore Mother’s Day because anyone who’s ever moused around this domain was produced inside a mother at one point or another. So I’ve decided to run a hypothetical exercise where I focus on other mothers I’d call ‘mother’ if I had my druthers and were allowed another, brother.

I should’ve saved that poem for the custom Mother’s Day card I make every year that will warm my mom’s heart better than blood ever could. Then again, the last thing I’d want is for my mom to think that I’ve been dedicating any amount of the brain she created for me to dreaming up different types of moms.

Here are some other mothers:

A Massive Mother

Besides the obvious advantage of unlimited access to the orchard’s untouchables up where the fruit and the sun are engaged in an all-out fuck fest producing the juiciest of the litter, having a big one would take hugs to a level only hypothesized by the prudish oedipal who invented them. A hug with mom is a mutual acknowledgement that life got worse the minute you and her physically parted, so the bigger the hug, the more accurate the simulation is.

A brooding mother

My mom is as sweet as honey soda, which is just how I like it. But it would be interesting to experience what life is like on the other side of the equator and live a few moons with a mother who dabbles in darkness.

Instead of pre-milk prayers she’d cast post-sausage spells, and when Halloween came around she’d prefer to escape the pretenders and take us to visit the graves of Trent Reznor’s influences instead. Bedtime would become a nightly game of chicken with the sun, and speaking of birds, we’d spend Christmas spoiling the crows.

an alleged mother

Is she or ain’t she? Having this in the back of my mind until the mystery is solved would distract me from smaller daily bothers, such as questioning my oral health routine, whether or not I should eat more seeds, and stresses related to a lifetime without a concrete nickname.

An underwater mother

Just because this fantasy mother is underwater most of the time, doesn’t mean she doesn’t come up for a breath, a hug, and fruit every now and then, and that’s what makes her the full package. From fresh seafood to salty tales, impossible knots to close relationships with aquatic mammals, an underwater mother brings a slew of maritime skills to the table that would be the envy of any land son.

That’s all! Come on back in June when I put out my list of dad fads 2017 that looks at recent innovations in fathers. Let’s just say that previous metrics including time spent in the woods together, and number of thoughtless gifts exchanged are now completely outdated.

The Food Issue


editor letter

Most of us don’t remember the first time we tasted our mother’s milk, but we likely do remember the first time we tried her famous Sweaty Banana Chili. This is why we’ve decided to release this year’s Food Issue a touch early to coincide with Mother’s Day, giving you a little treat to reduce the stress of worrying if your mom is better than your peers’. And to our readers who are mothers–you are truly special not only today, but on your birthday and kind of on Christmas depending on how many presents you get compared to your husband.

Our mothers give us life initially, but food takes us home the rest of the way with its nourishment and vitamins, so let this issue be a celebration of our old and new mothers, whether it’s Dianne, carrots, Nancy or a stick of pepperoni. Anyway, lots of tips, news and a few jokes sprinkled in–hope you brought your appetite!




Editor-in-Cheese (first little joke!)

Recipe of the Year

chefsoosyBy Chef Soosy 

Between owning and operating The Eating Basement in Manhattan, authoring my series of cookbooks (Musty Favourites) AND being a full-time mom to six boys and our weasel, I still find time to contribute to the Food Issue every year. I’m proud of all my creations, especially Paul, my fifth child and the following recipe! It’s been a staple on my menus for years and was the most parodied recipe in comedy this season. Get your kids to help you out, use their noses to measure the salt, they’ll love it!

Carpet Tacos

1 lb Ground Scraps
2 pinches of any flake
A handful of crunchers
1 large carpet cut into meal-sized diamonds
Six Episodes of M*A*S*H
Half a bottle of Spiced Rum
2 nostrils of salt

Combine all ingredients in your basement’s wash basin, stir until thick, serve in carpet squares and smother with love, this is cooking not high school, have fun! Eat while watching M*A*S*H, saving your puke for the series finale.

How To Get Your Picky Child To Eat Your Trash

videoBy Dr. Laura Video

Getting your child to eat his or its dinner is a difficult, yet feasible task, but most moms find it next to impossible to get the little ones to orally dispose of household wastes. I was ten before my father was able to convince me of the fun, nutrition and environmental advantages that come with digesting trash and we have such a good relationship that he still allows me store coins in his belly button. Here are my tips to make garbage time as easy and as fun as burying the used toilet paper in the backyard!

1. Start early

Most kids don’t eat their garbage because of the smell, so be sure to introduce various funks to them early on. My husband started bringing our second daughter into the restroom with him as soon as she was able to sniff, and we found that his sour BMs were a gateway to her not minding the smell of expired tuna, which is now one of her favourite treats.

2. Cover everything in milk

Since we don’t believe in cereal–it reminds us of petrified soup–we use breakfast time as means to get rid of the previous night’s refuse. One morning my husband served my son a bowl of past due fried rice drenched in sour milk, creating a breakfast treat that the kids simply couldn’t get enough of, even though it took a few tries before they could eat it without vomiting. By forcing them to ingest their vomit, the taste of old rice and milk seemed downright scrumptious in comparison and our garbage bill was quickly reduced.

3. Don’t let them watch TV

Television is full of advertisements that make children believe that a lifestyle full of new food is the only reasonable path. We consider it brainwashing so instead of television we’ll take our kids to the dump, allowing them to create a meal of their own.

4. Avoid old newspapers

We’re all for rewarding our children but since there is no nutritional value in old newspapers, we do not let our kids consume them unless they’ve soaked up the juices of an old piece of meat.

Modern Super Health Foods

jason2By Jason

Eat any combination of these foods and your blood will turn into pure muscle, guaranteed. I spoke with six scientists, three teenagers, a strongman and a really annoying farmer to come up with these.

Coffee filtered through micro-fleece

I came up with this one myself when I realized that those who I respect most in this world wear micro-fleece during winter months. To me, it was no coincidence– they had to be getting some of their power and wealth from the garment and not hard work and gems as my father had assured me. I simply put two and two together and ever since starting my mornings off with a fleece coffee, I still haven’t got cancer unless the wart inside my throat is that.

Whole trees

If trees are so powerful and worth protecting then they must be healthy. Last year, the old maple in my backyard fed me for an entire year and my skin has never been more translucent. I went for a check up with Dr. Video last in April and she said I was her prized patient because she could see my heart by shining a flashlight on my chest.

Human oil

There’s no easy way to extract oils from a human but if you find enough teenagers willing to rub their faces onto you for a beer and dart, your face will be shiny in no time.

Brand new Kitchen tech


By Nancy Instead

Mothers are known for their excellent cooking skills and use of classic kitchen implements like wooden spoons and bread. If you give your mother one of the following new gadgets for Mother’s Day, she’ll think she’s on the set of Spaceballs and not in her own kitchen.

Swiss Army Things


This baby holds all your kitchen tools and also includes a two foot blade suitable for filleting large mammals.

Talking Toaster


My favourite feature is the attitude adjuster, which allows you to select attitudes from “Jeremy your bread has been toasted” to “Get this hot shit out of me, I’m boiling”

Portable Microwave

aiwa-girl2 copy

Heat your meals quickly and discreetly while on the go! Plug the provided headset into the machine and that classic microwave hum will be audible to you and you only, making it perfect for use in the library or at a funeral.