Tag Archives: food

How Eggs Are Cooked Around The World

I wouldn’t trust a lizard even if it handed me a background check notorized by António Guterres himself, but despite our different bloods and tongues I’d still accept an invitation to dine. That’s because mammals and lizards agree on two things and two things only: things were better back in the old days, and eating unborn birds is tasty.

Yes, the  vertebrates of our planet love eating eggs due to a biological urge to destroy all offspring that isn’t ours. Over centuries this urge has gone from sending trained wolves to wreak havoc on neighbouring mangers, to a worldwide food phenomenon with ties to all three major meals.

What’s fascinating is that your method of “gettin’ ’em hard” is, to you, as normal as arm holes on a jacket, when to the rest of the globe your practices would appear odd and perhaps even offensive. We went to the library for nine hours and found out how people around the world cook their eggs and the results may shock you:


Velocità uova (‘Speed Eggs’)

1. Insert raw bird egg into the tailpipe of a Vespa.

2. Drive toward the coast. Every time your bike stalls because of the egg, stop, pick an olive and put it in your boot.

3. When you reach the coast, remove the egg and wash it in Mediterranean sea water. If the egg attracts any sardines, toss your boot olives as far into the sea as possible to lure them away.

4. Utter a prayer of your choosing.

5. Find the nearest lemon tree and peel the egg against the coarse bark. Place pieces of shell into your shell pouch.

6. Leave the peeled egg in the Mediterranean sun until shrivelled to the size of an uvetta (raisin).

7. Serve with olive oil and fresh herbs.


Huevos del sol (‘Eggs of the Sun’)

1. Juggle six fresh eggs for 60 revolutions in the nearest square to a crowd of at least five.

2. Wrap in a traditional yarn sling, bash against the cobblestones, and throw onto a terracotta roof

3. Allow to ferment while enjoying a coffee and the sounds and sights of the square.

4. Climb onto the roof and empty contents of the sling onto the tiles.

5. Scrape egg onto a ceremonial sabre called an Espada de yugo.

6. Bring the sword down the the square and serve scraped onto a loaf of freshly fried onions flavoured with saffron.

7. Serve to anyone willing to exchange a story of old.


Fjölskyldaegg (‘Family Eggs’)

1. Catch a female freshwater trout. Remove roe and suck on until flavour is extracted — spit back into the river.

2. Find a bird egg, force down the throat of the trout and then add a generous swig of Brennivín.

3. Hang high atop a smouldering pile of juniper.

4. Once all the liquor has evaporated, continue to hang until trout is completely dried.

5. Remove the egg. Feed the dried trout to the village hound.

6. Lay out the egg on an oaken slab and pass down to the eldest son.


アーティストの好きな卵 (‘The Arist’s Favourite Eggs’)

1. Choose an egg that matches your energy.

2. Spend six months with the egg.

3. At midnight on the eve of the sixth month, paint the shell in a matter that visually depicts your relationship with the egg.

4. Write a fable of the egg in three volumes.

5. Attempt to sell the fable for film adaptation.

6. If the egg’s fable is not sold, award the egg to a pre-pubescent on their 10th birthday.

7. Accompany the egg’s recipient to the griddle of a master sizzler.

8. Have the recipient select yolk or white. Take what remains for yourself.

9. Consume in quiet reflection.


Eieren uit de aarde (‘Eggs from the Earth’)

1. Roll egg into a mossy grove in a deep valley. Mark location on a map.

2. Select an egg keeper and provide the keeper with the map.

3. Pay the egg keeper three knives per moon to keep watch over the egg.

4. Forget about the egg, for the egg belongs now to its keeper.


Потрясающее яйцо (‘The Stunning Egg’)

1. Crack fresh chicken eggs on top of a hot, energy inefficient stereo playing any Stones record from the 80s.

2. Have every member of the household give it a lick.

3. Serve atop a bed of caraway seeds.


White Chips

1. Place eggs under the hind quarters of a family member weighing at least 18 stone.

2. You’ll know the egg is done when the individual has read The Herald in its entirety.

3. Paint with Scotch Whiskey using a horsehair brush then insert one egg into each cheek.


5. Allow eggs to slowly dissolve.


Bobby Flay might be getting his own video game

The folks over at Konami have approached my management regarding a pitch for a new video game starring my favourite celebrity chef: New York’s own red rascal, Bobby Flay.

I’m currently terrified/excited at the prospect of finally adding a robust digital property to Flay’s already stacked portfolio. It’s a long road to production and nothing has been written in stone but I can’t help dreaming about popping champagne and snacking on Flay-inspired southwest favourites at the launch party.

I’m to pitch my idea next week in Orlando where Bobby is set to debut a new line of bowls inspired by the Navajo of Arizona, with proceeds going toward a stew school for overprivileged orphans . Though they haven’t confirmed that Bobby himself will be at the pitch, I’m very confident he will be, which will make it very difficult to keep my cool. I already have two very exciting ideas to choose from but I’d like some feedback from you guys if you have the time.

Idea #1

8-Bit Throwback – Bobby’s Southwest Mess


Imagine a retro side-scrolling adventure where you control Bobby Flay as he runs, jumps and kicks his way through 10 exciting levels to reach a BBQ Blast in Albuquerque where he’s to serve as the “Meatster of Searemonies”.

Along the way Bobby will be forced to battle unseasoned cuts of meat, and insane bosses like RAGIN’ CAGED-RAISED CHICKEN and SODIUM-LADEN SOUP CAN. But he can ‘t move on unless he turns every ear of yellow corn in the level into blue tortillas simply by kicking them.

– Too similar to Wolfgang Puck in Waffle World?
– Would work on mobile platforms but might cheapen the brand.
– Difficult to tell a fully-formed story using such a simple engine.

Idea #2

Sandbox game for next-gen consoles – Bobby Flay in The Cumin Chronicles, Chapter 1


Bobby awakes from a vivid dream to find himself naked and alone in the kitchen of Mesa Grill in Manhattan–didn’t it close in 2013? The mystery begins. You control Bobby and search the deserted restaurant to fill up your inventory and find clues. You spot a  lone boneless pork roast in the corner of the walk-in; equip the roast and begin an incredible journey of intrigue and self-discovery set in the cutthroat world of restaurateurs. Explore exotic kitchens and organic farms, collecting seasonings and tonics as you go, making sure your meat is kept moist to maintain XP. Slowly you’ll unravel the mystery of your current predicament and discover dark secrets that will change the way you sauté forever… 

I had my art director, Rolph, throw together some concept art:


Disguise your Bobby avatar as he enters the culinary underworld in search of answers.


Collect enough items and work your way through several quests to finally get your Bobby back on his feet and dating again.

– Would require licensing from KitchenAid or other major player for added realism. Too expensive?
– Would likely garner an ESRB rating of “M” (Content is generally suitable for ages 17 and up) to account for necessary nudity and side quest concerning Bobby’s messy divorce. Might alienate Bobby’s younger fans.
– Intricate plot and cinematic scope could potentially interfere with future Flay film projects–have Rico check with Bobby’s people

What do you think? I feel I’m on the right track but will definitely need to fill in some of the details in case they “grill” me at the pitch. Wish me luck!

The best sandwich board quotes for your restaurant

Regular readers of this motherfucker know that I love food more than I love toys. Living in the cultural trail mix that is Toronto has exposed me to every type of cuisine out there and most local restaurant owners know me personally as “the guy who only orders one drink”. Using my vast knowledge of food and restaurants, I’ve come up with very good sandwich board quotes for various types of eateries that are free for anyone to use. I’ve learned that nothing puts meat in the seats quite like a cleverly-worded street ad.

Coffee juicer




hamburger hut


onion shack


beer bar


wine bar


chinese food store


Fruit juke



Kitchen dawgs on their bitchin’ hogs

Being a professional chef means standing inside a poorly vented, glorified bathroom for hours while surrounded by raw animal flesh and vegetables prettier than your own mother. They give their lives for their art so when it’s time to punch out they like to let loose by putting a motor between their legs and cranking the throttle up to 475º. Here’s a look at some gastro-gearheads who fry by night and fly by day:


“The Caked Crusader”, Duff Goldman, shows off his red rocket that’s as sweet as butter cream over a bundt. If the road were a cake, his rubber burner would be his pastry bag, piping black streaks over Baltimore with a deft touch.


Drop a dollop of Rocco DiSpirito on top of his silver bullet like you would ricotta on toast and you’ve got a meal that’s simply irresistible. Rocco’s Italian-America cuisine is ideal for the hungry while the image of him on his hog is great for the horny. 


Cooking’s resident bad boy, Tony Bourdain, takes time out of his schedule of traveling around the world for a buzz on a two-wheeled wasp. Get in his way and you’ll see why food ‘tude is far more dangerous than road rage.


It’s rare to see this Bad Brained Brit with a smile on his eater so he must really dig a highway cruise on top of his black ball blaster. Put a helmet on, Gordon, you’ll need that brain to keep turning out tasty, modern classics.


Building a culinary empire ain’t like pedalling mom’s rusted Raleigh to the corner shop for sweets. Between raising a family and earning kegs of quid with his shows, books and restaurants, Jamie unwinds by charging into the breeze on this pukka pedestrian plower.


Chef Lynn Crawford could roast a whole goose with heat she generates while straddled on her big black Darth Dagger. She’s got squid ink in her veins and gas in her eyes so keep your horn covered while she’s on the road because you’ll be honkin’ out of respect.


Tyler Florence is an inviting dish that’s salty, bitter, sweet, sour and speedy–sounds like a stir-fry to me. When he squeezes the clutch with those milky paws he treats it like winter’s first grapefruits, juiced into a refreshing custom cocktail that screams refreshment.


Like Marvel Comics’ Ghost Rider, Alton Brown’s head catches fire when he straddles his Highway Hell Hammer, only it’s a figurative blaze of culinary ideas.


He’d ride an Italian stallion if he could but oats are expensive and a horse’s roar is nothing compared to that of a properly tuned engine. Mario Batali prefers the stink of gas and engine oil to sea bass olive oil when flying up and down New York City streets. 

The Food Issue


editor letter

Most of us don’t remember the first time we tasted our mother’s milk, but we likely do remember the first time we tried her famous Sweaty Banana Chili. This is why we’ve decided to release this year’s Food Issue a touch early to coincide with Mother’s Day, giving you a little treat to reduce the stress of worrying if your mom is better than your peers’. And to our readers who are mothers–you are truly special not only today, but on your birthday and kind of on Christmas depending on how many presents you get compared to your husband.

Our mothers give us life initially, but food takes us home the rest of the way with its nourishment and vitamins, so let this issue be a celebration of our old and new mothers, whether it’s Dianne, carrots, Nancy or a stick of pepperoni. Anyway, lots of tips, news and a few jokes sprinkled in–hope you brought your appetite!




Editor-in-Cheese (first little joke!)

Recipe of the Year

chefsoosyBy Chef Soosy 

Between owning and operating The Eating Basement in Manhattan, authoring my series of cookbooks (Musty Favourites) AND being a full-time mom to six boys and our weasel, I still find time to contribute to the Food Issue every year. I’m proud of all my creations, especially Paul, my fifth child and the following recipe! It’s been a staple on my menus for years and was the most parodied recipe in comedy this season. Get your kids to help you out, use their noses to measure the salt, they’ll love it!

Carpet Tacos

1 lb Ground Scraps
2 pinches of any flake
A handful of crunchers
1 large carpet cut into meal-sized diamonds
Six Episodes of M*A*S*H
Half a bottle of Spiced Rum
2 nostrils of salt

Combine all ingredients in your basement’s wash basin, stir until thick, serve in carpet squares and smother with love, this is cooking not high school, have fun! Eat while watching M*A*S*H, saving your puke for the series finale.

How To Get Your Picky Child To Eat Your Trash

videoBy Dr. Laura Video

Getting your child to eat his or its dinner is a difficult, yet feasible task, but most moms find it next to impossible to get the little ones to orally dispose of household wastes. I was ten before my father was able to convince me of the fun, nutrition and environmental advantages that come with digesting trash and we have such a good relationship that he still allows me store coins in his belly button. Here are my tips to make garbage time as easy and as fun as burying the used toilet paper in the backyard!

1. Start early

Most kids don’t eat their garbage because of the smell, so be sure to introduce various funks to them early on. My husband started bringing our second daughter into the restroom with him as soon as she was able to sniff, and we found that his sour BMs were a gateway to her not minding the smell of expired tuna, which is now one of her favourite treats.

2. Cover everything in milk

Since we don’t believe in cereal–it reminds us of petrified soup–we use breakfast time as means to get rid of the previous night’s refuse. One morning my husband served my son a bowl of past due fried rice drenched in sour milk, creating a breakfast treat that the kids simply couldn’t get enough of, even though it took a few tries before they could eat it without vomiting. By forcing them to ingest their vomit, the taste of old rice and milk seemed downright scrumptious in comparison and our garbage bill was quickly reduced.

3. Don’t let them watch TV

Television is full of advertisements that make children believe that a lifestyle full of new food is the only reasonable path. We consider it brainwashing so instead of television we’ll take our kids to the dump, allowing them to create a meal of their own.

4. Avoid old newspapers

We’re all for rewarding our children but since there is no nutritional value in old newspapers, we do not let our kids consume them unless they’ve soaked up the juices of an old piece of meat.

Modern Super Health Foods

jason2By Jason

Eat any combination of these foods and your blood will turn into pure muscle, guaranteed. I spoke with six scientists, three teenagers, a strongman and a really annoying farmer to come up with these.

Coffee filtered through micro-fleece

I came up with this one myself when I realized that those who I respect most in this world wear micro-fleece during winter months. To me, it was no coincidence– they had to be getting some of their power and wealth from the garment and not hard work and gems as my father had assured me. I simply put two and two together and ever since starting my mornings off with a fleece coffee, I still haven’t got cancer unless the wart inside my throat is that.

Whole trees

If trees are so powerful and worth protecting then they must be healthy. Last year, the old maple in my backyard fed me for an entire year and my skin has never been more translucent. I went for a check up with Dr. Video last in April and she said I was her prized patient because she could see my heart by shining a flashlight on my chest.

Human oil

There’s no easy way to extract oils from a human but if you find enough teenagers willing to rub their faces onto you for a beer and dart, your face will be shiny in no time.

Brand new Kitchen tech


By Nancy Instead

Mothers are known for their excellent cooking skills and use of classic kitchen implements like wooden spoons and bread. If you give your mother one of the following new gadgets for Mother’s Day, she’ll think she’s on the set of Spaceballs and not in her own kitchen.

Swiss Army Things


This baby holds all your kitchen tools and also includes a two foot blade suitable for filleting large mammals.

Talking Toaster


My favourite feature is the attitude adjuster, which allows you to select attitudes from “Jeremy your bread has been toasted” to “Get this hot shit out of me, I’m boiling”

Portable Microwave

aiwa-girl2 copy

Heat your meals quickly and discreetly while on the go! Plug the provided headset into the machine and that classic microwave hum will be audible to you and you only, making it perfect for use in the library or at a funeral.