I wouldn’t trust a lizard even if it handed me a background check notorized by António Guterres himself, but despite our different bloods and tongues I’d still accept an invitation to dine. That’s because mammals and lizards agree on two things and two things only: things were better back in the old days, and eating unborn birds is tasty.
Yes, the vertebrates of our planet love eating eggs due to a biological urge to destroy all offspring that isn’t ours. Over centuries this urge has gone from sending trained wolves to wreak havoc on neighbouring mangers, to a worldwide food phenomenon with ties to all three major meals.
What’s fascinating is that your method of “gettin’ ’em hard” is, to you, as normal as arm holes on a jacket, when to the rest of the globe your practices would appear odd and perhaps even offensive. We went to the library for nine hours and found out how people around the world cook their eggs and the results may shock you:
Italy
Velocità uova (‘Speed Eggs’)
1. Insert raw bird egg into the tailpipe of a Vespa.
2. Drive toward the coast. Every time your bike stalls because of the egg, stop, pick an olive and put it in your boot.
3. When you reach the coast, remove the egg and wash it in Mediterranean sea water. If the egg attracts any sardines, toss your boot olives as far into the sea as possible to lure them away.
4. Utter a prayer of your choosing.
5. Find the nearest lemon tree and peel the egg against the coarse bark. Place pieces of shell into your shell pouch.
6. Leave the peeled egg in the Mediterranean sun until shrivelled to the size of an uvetta (raisin).
7. Serve with olive oil and fresh herbs.
Spain
Huevos del sol (‘Eggs of the Sun’)
1. Juggle six fresh eggs for 60 revolutions in the nearest square to a crowd of at least five.
2. Wrap in a traditional yarn sling, bash against the cobblestones, and throw onto a terracotta roof
3. Allow to ferment while enjoying a coffee and the sounds and sights of the square.
4. Climb onto the roof and empty contents of the sling onto the tiles.
5. Scrape egg onto a ceremonial sabre called an Espada de yugo.
6. Bring the sword down the the square and serve scraped onto a loaf of freshly fried onions flavoured with saffron.
7. Serve to anyone willing to exchange a story of old.
Iceland
Fjölskyldaegg (‘Family Eggs’)
1. Catch a female freshwater trout. Remove roe and suck on until flavour is extracted — spit back into the river.
2. Find a bird egg, force down the throat of the trout and then add a generous swig of Brennivín.
3. Hang high atop a smouldering pile of juniper.
4. Once all the liquor has evaporated, continue to hang until trout is completely dried.
5. Remove the egg. Feed the dried trout to the village hound.
6. Lay out the egg on an oaken slab and pass down to the eldest son.
Japan
アーティストの好きな卵 (‘The Arist’s Favourite Eggs’)
1. Choose an egg that matches your energy.
2. Spend six months with the egg.
3. At midnight on the eve of the sixth month, paint the shell in a matter that visually depicts your relationship with the egg.
4. Write a fable of the egg in three volumes.
5. Attempt to sell the fable for film adaptation.
6. If the egg’s fable is not sold, award the egg to a pre-pubescent on their 10th birthday.
7. Accompany the egg’s recipient to the griddle of a master sizzler.
8. Have the recipient select yolk or white. Take what remains for yourself.
9. Consume in quiet reflection.
Netherlands
Eieren uit de aarde (‘Eggs from the Earth’)
1. Roll egg into a mossy grove in a deep valley. Mark location on a map.
2. Select an egg keeper and provide the keeper with the map.
3. Pay the egg keeper three knives per moon to keep watch over the egg.
4. Forget about the egg, for the egg belongs now to its keeper.
Russia
Потрясающее яйцо (‘The Stunning Egg’)
1. Crack fresh chicken eggs on top of a hot, energy inefficient stereo playing any Stones record from the 80s.
2. Have every member of the household give it a lick.
3. Serve atop a bed of caraway seeds.
Scotland
White Chips
1. Place eggs under the hind quarters of a family member weighing at least 18 stone.
2. You’ll know the egg is done when the individual has read The Herald in its entirety.
3. Paint with Scotch Whiskey using a horsehair brush then insert one egg into each cheek.
4. DO NOT CHEW.
5. Allow eggs to slowly dissolve.
GLENN W. MACAULAY 