Tag Archives: dance

2015 Advent Calendar — December 20

Your December 20 Advent treat window looks like this:


It shatters after hearing me sing revealing today’s holiday track:

Here are the lyrics, inspired by mother nature herself:

I’m out of pens I have no pencils
No cardboard and don’t have stencils
Envelopes I don’t got none
Go to computer have some fun

Photoshop pick some clip art
Select a font, they’re a la carte
I’ll save on stamps I’ll wow my aunts
Digital christmas card

Yeahhhhh baby
Send a card through email
It don’t take much, to get in touch
when your family’s got email

Ensure that you BCC
so that your contacts will not see
that they’re not special to receive
a card you sent everybody

Check your inbox for replies
each one’s a wee christmas surprise
Try it dude it’s not that hard
Digital Christmas Card

Whoa mama
Post it up on Facebook
Gather some likes
make a few comments
Share that half-assed card

A tour of my new club – “The G Hive”

When my cousin Mutt died I figured he’d leave me his recipe for egg blasters but instead he gave me a million dollars! Since Mutt loved dancing, the indoors and free toilet paper, I thought it fitting to invest the money into a new nightclub that I’m calling “The G-Hive” based on the first letter of my first name and the things that bees make.


I was going to call it “The Mac Shack” based on the first syllable of my last name and the type of dwelling that blues musicians are born in, but McDonalds already owns the copyright. Apparently they have plans for a new restaurant concept that only serves mustard buns, aimed at budget-conscious consumers.

Would you care for a tour? Please take off your socks but leave your shoes on– instead of stamping hands we smear a bit of clover honey on your ankle.


Welcome to the foyer! We constructed the entire facility on top of a lost underground city that local shamans call Zenembria. I’ve got some guys coming in this afternoon to take care of “Sad Felix”, the name we’ve given to this statue which is the only remnant of the once thriving kingdom; well, that and Princess Hyla whom we hired to tend bar/live in the Blue Vapour Room. She has a TINY butt!


Here’s the kitchen where Chef Pierre and Lucy are prepping the menu, which will be very modern. Stick around after the tour and you’ll be able to try some of our signature dishes including a very tasty argon-grilled chicken with a tangy hydrogen gastrique.

Legend has it that King Arthur created the round table because he was sick of the point jabbing in his gut every time he’d sit at the head of his triangular table. It’s this innovative thinking that inspired me to install our main bar in a pit under the viewing platform. Here’s Mickey Jean, our head of security showing you the way down. Wear glasses if you got ’em, there’s still quite a few worms in the shaft.


And here we are in the main bar area. Bit of a snooze right now but once everything is fully installed it’ll look more like an authentic, aboveground Irish Pub with a dance floor made out of old cutting boards. Okay, let’s head back up.

We all know that conflicts occur at nightclubs which is why we installed this Slam Room for any troublemakers looking to release some tension. I’m not sure who these boys are but at least they’re fighting here and not in grandma’s billiard room. 


And here is the rest of our staff, trying out their costumes for our opening night party we’re calling BANANA BASH.


If you want to come, simply bring the following flyer and some jelly beans for our ferret and we’ll get you in no problem. Thanks for stopping by and pick up your wallets on the way out. Sorry, we nicked them all when you were checking out the pit to make sure none of you are cops–our viper tub isn’t exactly street legal at the moment.

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