Tag Archives: music

2015 Advent Calendar — December 15

Your December 15 Advent treat window looks like this:


You wiggle your way through it and find today’s holiday track sitting on a crystal crate:

Here are the lyrics, certified by the Canadian Alliance of Unlicensed Bartenders:

In prehistoric Bethlehem
There was a star
It led three Brontosaurus
To the jungle floor

They brought some water, grass and meat
as gifts to give
Because a special dinosaur
Was ready to live

Christmas Dinosaur
Christmas Dinosaur

This dinosaur would soon grow up
and help the poor
He did some magic, grew a beard
made friends with whores

He made some others mad
because he was the shit
then everyone exploded
When a comet hit

Christmas Dinosaur
Christmas Dinosaur

2015 Advent Calendar — December 14

Your December 14 Advent treat window looks like this:


You call the cops and they arrive promptly to take it away to the joint, thus revealing today’s snarling holiday track:

Here are the lyrics because they’re VERY important:

The mall’s too full
I can’t find a spot

Where should I park
There’s too many cars

Today’s christmas eve
I waited too long

Runnin’ out of time
I’m a stupid boy

Handicap’s open
but i’m not a dick

Just a little tired
And probably sick

There’s a fucking spot
I’m too far away

That Lexus will get it
But I’ll give it a shot

pull around quick
put my blinker on

I’m almost there
but so is that mom

I’ll let her have it
It’s christmas time

Everybody’s stressed
I’m not alone

I’m too nice
I’m too nice

2015 Advent Calendar — December 13

Your December 13 Advent treat window looks like this:


You stab through it with your mother’s old Edmonton Expo ’84 pencil to reveal today’s bangin’ holiday track:

Here are the lyrics in case you need something for Poem Club this week:

An iPad pro with retina display
New socks, new hat, tickets to a play

I want Playstation games
and a new TV
Gummi bears in my stocking
and some  organic tea

Get me a smart watch
Some good scotch
a guitar amp
Could use a drone,
new phone
and a skateboard ramp

Some leather shoes
Would put me in the mood
for some artisanal food
and a local craft brew    

I really want a big sword
a billboard
With a picture of me
Giving bedroom eyes

I want the whole town to see
How pretty I look
They will become my pawns
I’ll be the motherfuckin rook

Give me a brand new tank
and a ton of guns
I want to own the bank
and raise a hundred sons

Find me a hot queen
Named colleen
A big old house
Get me a pool table
Horse stable
Golden blouse

I’ll wanna be your new god
that’s what I want

2015 Advent Calendar — December 12

Your December 12 Advent treat window looks like this:


You scream, “OPEN THE FUCK UP” at it and it obliges, revealing today’s southern-tinged holiday track:

Here are the lyrics that came to me in a dream where my teeth were on fire:

Well I like the smell of cigarettes
And I don’t mind sniffin’ caves
But when the clock strikes christmas
There’s another smell I crave

It ain’t the smell of turkey
And I don’t care much for bread
So when I think of Santa Claus
I put a candle near my head

light it up
breathe it in
merry christmas
to my kin 

Keep you spices, gingerbread
and stockings full of citrus
I love the smell of candles on christmas

Keep your turkey, apple pie
and grandma’s homemade biscuits
I love the smell of candles on christmas

2015 Advent Calendar — December 11

Your December 11 Advent treat window looks like this:


You scrub away at it using an abrasive cleaner and your favourite sponge to reveal today’s dreamy shoegaze holiday track:

Here are the lyrics, typed by Glenn himself:

Didn’t get an xbox one
Got clothes instead
They were all too small
Wanna return them all

What to do today?
Was planning on playing games
Family’s in the den
Can’t let them see me cry

Lied to mom
Told her I loved all the clothes
But why would I want a shirt
that says “fuck my boss” on it ?

2015 Advent Calendar — December 10

Your December 10 Advent treat window looks like this:


You order your mutt to bite through it, revealing today’s cheeky holiday track:

Here are the lyrics that prove I’m consistent when it comes to these posts.

My dad bought my condoms on the first day of Hanukkah
I said ‘hey thanks that’s cool’

I took ‘em to the cellar and I put one on my feller
I thought ‘man, this holiday rules’

I kept that thing on for 40 days
And filled with piss and stuff
Then I learned it wasn’t meant as a diaper
Puberty was really tough

2015 Advent Calendar — December 9

Your December 9 Advent treat window looks like this:


You show it your privates and it runs away, revealing today’s heavy holiday track:

Here are the lyrics, courtesy of Iggy’s Lobster Basement:

Twas the night before Christmas
And all through my soul
The darkness was spreading
Black mistletoe

Black mistletoe, the kiss of death
Forged in hell, kissed with Satan’s lips
Stand under and go to hell
Rings of fire, dong of black bells

There’s no escape
From the toe’s embrace
Vertigo, insanity await the brave

Do you dare get horny on Christmas?
hahahaha save it for boxing day
For the black mistletoe is ready for you
think nude thoughts…

2015 Advent Calendar — December 8

Your December 8 Advent treat window looks like this:


You slam your first through it and peel back the remains, unearthing today’s holiday track:

Here are the lyrics in case you need a temporary epitaph:

My name is Santa
It’s December 26, the longest day of my year

Dear Mother, they’ve all gone home
The workshop is empty
I wanna go home

I’m writing to tell you
I’m currently in Hell
Because I’m useless
Until next year

I bring so much joy
Through sweets and toys
But where is my joy?
Where are my toys?

2015 Advent Calendar — December 7

Your December 7 Advent treat window looks like this:


You lick it ten times and it dissolves before your eyes, revealing today’s attitude-heavy holiday track:

Here are the lyrics that you can steal and use in this year’s Christmas card:

I don’t need jeans for Christmas
I prefer to buy my own jeans
I don’t want jeans for christmas
Please don’t get me jeans

There’s more to me than my fuckin pants
I also love cigarettes and booze and plants
Gimme a gift card or a shaving kit
I’m sick and tired of this denim shit

Maybe a blu ray or a frying pan
Every year it’s jeans again and again
Every gift is like a box of pain
All these fuckin jeans are making me insane

Fuck you, Santa

2015 Advent Calendar — December 6

Your December 6 Advent treat window looks like this:


You punch in the code, “1-2-3-4-5-6-7-G-R-E-A-T” and the window pops open with a satisfying “SWUS” sound, revealing today’s classic rock inspired holiday track:

Here are the lyrics if you’re deaf:

Snow Tires

Baby you’re my

Snow Tires

I only need you in winter time
Then I
take you off when the sun starts to shine

My temporary rubber
My half-year lover
Throw you in the shed
Once May rears its head

You’re my snow tires