You draw a warm, bubbly bath, scented with lavender and Honey Nut Cheerios. After immersing yourself in the brown, brown water you pull out your Advent calendar, remove your waterproof gloves carefully and unscrew the cap from the December 6 square. Much to your delight you reveal:
A tri-colour triple pack of patriot bands WITH real American wrist! In some countries this passes as an official United States passport. In others it’s simply a sign of good dental health due to its similarity to paste bracelets, a convenient, portable, chewy way to keep your chompers rock hard.
Only 19 days left until you start worrying that no one is going to come to your New Year’s Eve party. Worry not, if no one shows up you have enough shrimp rings to make eighteen decorative, edible necklaces, the perfect accessory for a stylish psycho who is going to gun down all their friends for not coming to their New Year’s Eve party.
GLENN W. MACAULAY 