This isn’t a real calendar, it’s an Advent calendar-inspired action adventure where YOU’RE the hero. I know, I know, sounds similar to the last Indiana Jones, but trust me, it’s much different. Get caught up!
December 1 December 9
December 2 December 10
December 3 December 11
December 4 December 12
December 5 December 13
December 6 December 14
December 7
December 8
After your little trick at the magic show, you’re transported to… another goddamn office? This adventure is getting boring. Too bad this isn’t a video game instead, eh? Is print dead? That’s more of a post-Christmas debate, let’s get back to it.
At least this time you’re behind the desk and not… in front of the desk? And this office looks pretty swank. You’ve never been interested in interior design before but this space is inspiring some creative thoughts about sofas and shelves. An idea for computer monitor sunglasses strikes like lightning in your brain before you’re interrupted by the person sitting opposite you.
The desk
It’s a woman in tears. Not knowing what to do because you have no idea where you are, you say what your mom would always say when you’d tell her about that recurring dream where you’re a reverse firefighter (extinguishing oceans with fire) stationed in beautiful San Francisco, California.
“Go on.”
The lady looks up. Her makeup is running down her face making her look like Alice Cooper after he found out there aren’t any Hardee’s restaurants in Canada during the Northern Nitwit Tour, ’88.
“I asked him again, ‘are you sure I have to do this?’ and he told me, straight-faced, ‘you do want to be one of J.D. Powers’ Associates, don’t you?’. So I did it because who doesn’t want to be one of the Associates? I rolled up my sleeves, stuck my head into the toilet and tried to find the bone. That was only the first task.”
She’s clearly embarrassed about what she just admitted to you. You’d always heard weird things about J.D. Power and Associates but never anything firsthand. Sounds like she’s got some pretty juicy info and it’s been awhile since you’ve heard some good gossip. You still don’t know what the fuck is going but before getting her to elaborate, she continues, “So I still work there but I think I need something to get my through the tough days. Like next Monday, J.D. wants us all to bring in a childhood memento for him to destroy. Can you prescribe me something so that I don’t totally lose my mind?”
Based on this modern office and the woman’s out-pour of emotions, you think you’re a therapist of some sort. You’re pretty interested in more J.D. Power stories so you quickly root through a desk drawer to find something to give her so she’ll spill more beans. You find this:
Before winging the pill bottle over to the lady, you take a peak to make sure you’re not giving her something serious like eye melters, and notice that the expiry day on the bottle is December 15. The date gate already?
“FUCK,” you say out loud.
“I’m sorry?” responds the lady with a look of genuine fear in her eyes.
“Sorry, I’d love to hear more about J.D. Power, I truly would. But it looks like this shrink has gotta grow.”
You’re surprised at how good that last line was and pop one of the Aderalls, making you disappear and sending you to some other fuckin’ place. This was a short phase but I think we all needed it because that magician thing was kinda long. See you tomorrow!
GLENN W. MACAULAY 