Tag Archives: pills

Advent Calendar 2014 — December 16

Are you having one of those days where you filled your canteen with soap instead of stew? Turn your life around by reading the FULL Advent adventure. 

December 1               December 9
December 2              December 10
December 3              December 11
December 4              December 12
December 5              December 13
December 6              December 14
December 7              December 15
December 8

You re-appear in a plain, white-walled room, sitting among four others who don’t look very happy.. You assume you’re in a group therapy session of some sort and based on the magic Adderall pill that got you here, you’re thinking you could be within a chic mental hospital. Check out these chairs!


The man in the cream-coloured turtle shirt is babbling on about something.

“I had been watching Night Court 24/7 for a month and recording my own, personal commentary track and life couldn’t get any better. I felt free, I felt engaged, my family would stop in and record guest spots that I obviously erased once they left because it was MY commentary. But I didn’t mind, I liked that they were taking an interest in my passion. Then, as I was finishing season 7 I felt this urge to eat my TV. So I did it, somehow. I don’t remember the hospital visit, the stomach pump or the interview with Yahoo News but I do remember being admitted here, and I think I’m growing. It was really nice of the staff to bake me those remote control cookies because I’ve been tempted, I’ll admit that.”

The woman in the beige smock nods and places a caring hand on the man’s shoulder.

“Thank you Bart, that was very honest and as we say here all the time, ‘honesty isn’t crazy, crazy is crazy and so are a lot of us’. Let’s all keep up our efforts in making sure Bart doesn’t stray into the entertainment centre for another screen lick, the cleaning staff would really appreciate it. Becky, you’re next.”

The woman in white begins, “As Dr. Oggy recommended, I read the biography of Henry Ford and participated in the group viewing of Gone In Sixty Seconds and it helped briefly but as soon as I looked out my window and saw the trout pond I reverted back. I don’t understand why we don’t drive boats and keep cars for leisure! There’s more water than land on Earth! 71 percent!”

“Becky, as you know we here at the hospital don’t disagree with you and are working on changing the way humans view boats. The key to your recovery is to chill out in the meantime.” The doctor then turns to the man in white. “Kenny, your turn and make it quick because I have go to the chapel and apologize to Father Jiff on behalf of Ollie who got in there with his rollerblades again.”

The man in white shifts uncomfortably. Out of all these bad brains, he seems most screwy.

“I don’t know how many times I have to explain this but I’ve been trapped in an Advent calendar and unless I find a December 16 portal I could be trapped here forever.”

Shit! This guy is in the same boat as you are. You almost blurt out “Fuck off, me too!” but you bite your tongue, not because you didn’t want to say it but because the Adderall must be kicking in.

“You’ve been here for seven months, Charlie. We cannot help you if you do not begin to entertain the thought that you all of this is in your head,” the doctor explains tenderly. “Let’s come back to you. Our new patient, why don’t you take a turn addressing the group.”

The doctor turns to you. You’re not sure what to do here. If you tell them that your situation is the same as Charlie’s, it’ll probably help him out and maybe you both can work together and talk about what’s been happening. On the other hand, fuck that guy, you thought you were special and now some random stain is on the same nutty trip you are? You say the first thing that comes to mind.

“Uh, I’m uh… I feel like I might uh… eat a TV too.”

The doctor shakes her head. “Mocking other patients is not what we’re about here unless a mock will help their recovery.” She brandishes a walkie-talkie and speaks into it, “December, please come to the solarium and pick up patient 16.”

Your head snaps back to Charlie whose eyes widen.

“What did you just say?” Charlie asks, rising to his feet.

“Our new nurse will come retrieve patient 16 so we can avoid any further distractions,” the doctor responds.

Charlie responds by backing down into his chair. You can tell he’s waiting  for the apparent date gate to arrive, but you know it’s all yours. Right as the Becky burps, a nurse with a wheelchair enters the room.


Charlie immediately makes a run for the chair but is tripped up by Bart, who looks directly into your eyes and says, “Go. Now.”

You stand up and get into the wheelchair. Charlie looks up at you, extending his arm in your direction. “Don’t you dare! That’s my gate!”

You want to say something witty but the only thing you can think of is, “Fuck you, go… eat a TV.”

As December starts wheeling you away you begin to vanish and the next world awaits. You hear a faint, blood-curdling scream behind you from Charlie and start to relax, almost anxious for what awaits.

Advent Calendar 2014 — December 15

This isn’t a real calendar, it’s an Advent calendar-inspired action adventure where YOU’RE the hero. I know, I know, sounds similar to the last Indiana Jones, but trust me, it’s much different. Get caught up!

December 1               December 9
December 2              December 10
December 3              December 11
December 4              December 12
December 5              December 13
December 6              December 14
December 7
December 8

After your little trick at the magic show, you’re transported to… another goddamn office? This adventure is getting boring. Too bad this isn’t a video game instead, eh? Is print dead? That’s more of a post-Christmas debate, let’s get back to it.

At least this time you’re behind the desk and not… in front of the desk? And this office looks pretty swank. You’ve never been interested in interior design before but this space is inspiring some creative thoughts about sofas and shelves. An idea for computer monitor sunglasses strikes like lightning in your brain before you’re interrupted by the person sitting opposite you.


The desk

It’s a woman in tears. Not knowing what to do because you have no idea where you are, you say what your mom would always say when you’d tell her about that recurring dream where you’re a reverse firefighter (extinguishing oceans with fire) stationed in beautiful San Francisco, California.

“Go on.”

The lady looks up. Her makeup is running down her face making her look like Alice Cooper after he found out there aren’t any Hardee’s restaurants in Canada during the Northern Nitwit Tour, ’88.

“I asked him again, ‘are you sure I have to do this?’ and he told me, straight-faced, ‘you do want to be one of J.D. Powers’ Associates, don’t you?’. So I did it because who doesn’t want to be one of the Associates? I rolled up my sleeves, stuck my head into the toilet and tried to find the bone. That was only the first task.”

She’s clearly embarrassed about what she just admitted to you. You’d always heard weird things about J.D. Power and Associates but never anything firsthand. Sounds like she’s got some pretty juicy info and it’s been awhile since you’ve heard some good gossip. You still don’t know what the fuck is going but before getting her to elaborate, she continues, “So I still work there but I think I need something to get my through the tough days. Like next Monday, J.D. wants us all to bring in a childhood memento for him to destroy. Can you prescribe me something so that I don’t totally lose my mind?”

Based on this modern office and the woman’s out-pour of emotions, you think you’re a therapist of some sort. You’re pretty interested in more J.D. Power stories so you quickly root through a desk drawer to find something to give her so she’ll spill more beans. You find this:


Before winging the pill bottle over to the lady, you take a peak to make sure you’re not giving her something serious like eye melters, and notice that the expiry day on the bottle is December 15. The date gate already?

“FUCK,” you say out loud.

“I’m sorry?” responds the lady with a look of genuine fear in her eyes.

“Sorry, I’d love to hear more about J.D. Power, I truly would. But it looks like this shrink has gotta grow.”

You’re surprised at how good that last line was and pop one of the Aderalls, making you disappear and sending you to some other fuckin’ place. This was a short phase but I think we all needed it because that magician thing was kinda long. See you tomorrow!