Tag Archives: movie review

Movie Review — Thor: Ragnarok

From the pages of Marvel’s comics comes another movie with the beautiful and funny Thor. This time it’s a family affair featuring Thor’s dad, brother, and brand new sister who none of us even knew before this movie came out.

The word around the taverns is that this Thor movie is the funniest one, and that’s true. Every character in this movie is a goofball at heart and they are all so witty that Ryan Stiles himself would be jealous.

It’s all your favourite comic book things come to life on the silver screen including aliens, monsters, spaceships, guns, swords, knives, tight clothes and mind boggling special effects that must’ve been made by a lot of computers.

This movie was made with as many computers as there were punches in the movie that were made to look real by using computers. No one got hurt though in real life or in the movie. Hulk punched Thor from a thousand feet in the air and all Thor did was fall asleep so what can kill Thor? You’d have to explode him from the inside but I don’t know I watched cartoons I didn’t read comics. If this movie taught me anything about fighting it’s that you should do one of those sideways barrel rolls after you get punched and it makes the punch look bad but you can get up right after.

I wore a coat and a sweater to the movie and I wasn’t even that hot even though I left my coat on the whole time because I didn’t want to sit on it. The 3D glasses hurt the bridge of my nose but you could chalk that up to me being as clear eyed as Thor, meaning my face isn’t accustomed to things resting on it. This morning there was a bit of redness where the glasses sat, which is kind of a problem because I’ve been having skin problems already. I’ve been red lately and despite moisturizing I’m still fairly flaky. I’m confident this will pass but after living blemish free for a good long time, I’m concerned that maybe my hormones or something have changed and I’m entering a new age like when Thor gets a haircut in the movie.  I ate a medium popcorn bought in-house and brought my own PC Blue Menu sparkling water that I threw out (but didn’t recycle, so sorry) after the show.

Almost every character spoke English but not everyone was from North America. In fact, there were only a couple that I could count, which made it feel like I was watching the World Cup of soccer where we’re the minorities for once. There was a tiny bit of eating in the movie but no major meals. They used the Led Zeppelin song twice probably because it was so expensive to buy. Everyone knew their lines perfectly as far as I could tell.

I give this movie 1 Taika out of 3 Waititis and recommend it to anyone who wants to learn how to be a comedian but doesn’t want to do any of the work.

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Movie Review — Logan

Logan is better known as Wolverine, the Canadian mad man with claws who spends his new movie, Logan, as a guy named James even though his friends call him Logan and strangers call him Wolverine if they’ve heard of him.

Logan is fucked up big time in this movie, forcing Hugh Jackman to act with a limp the whole time for probably the first time in his career. In this chapter of the book of this character that’s shaped like a paw, Logan is still alive in the future year of 2029 with his friend and fake dad Professor X. In this he meets a little girl who is exactly like him yet he is still surprised to find out she’s his daughter, probably because the only school he ever went to only taught him how to beat up weirdos and not freak out any time someone looks at him funny.

This movie is a lot like Bad News Bears because it’s about a little daughter helping out a drunk middle age daddy who doesn’t seem to even want a daughter. The little girl in this one looks less like Tatum O’Neal and more like a young Lukas Haas, actor and charter member of Hollywood’s original Pussy Posse.

This movie is also like Terminator 2 in a way because there’s tons of stabbing and a guy protecting a kid, and also kind of like Little Miss Sunshine because there are quite a few road trip sequences and drugs. For you Spielberg fans there’s even a touch of Hook in that there’s some powerful kids hanging out in a clubhouse which Logan goes to in a tuxedo like Robin Williams in Hook.

There were so many stabbings in this movie that I’m surprised it’s not rated S. But seriously, when a movie stars at least 3 people with claws there’d better be wounds, and boy were the movie ambulances you never see burning rubber over the few days or whatever that this thing took place.

This future in this movie isn’t half bad except for this army of guys who all have robot arms doing whatever it is they feel like all day long. And every car is made by GM/Chrysler in the future. That sucks because my family has been about Fords since the ’90 Taurus wagon.

There’s one good eating scene at a stranger’s dinner table and one good bathroom scene, which are good numbers for a major motion picture.

This ain’t the kind of X-Men movie with blue chicks and karate aliens and shit, it’s more raw and that makes sense because Wolverine like his meat raw and his beer cold. Oh Canada indeed.

I’d give this movie 23 “stab wounds” out of 28 “ADR grunts” and would recommend it to anyone who is looking to prank someone religious.

Movie Review — John Wick: Chapter 2

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A good movie sequel is like a hot roast coming out of the oven after you just ate the same roast. The new roast has great potential because no matter what it is fresher than the first roast, but then maybe you’re not as hungry because you already had one roast. This is the kind of meal that I experienced when I saw John Wick part 2 now in theatres.

John Wick: He’s a man, and he’s two movies. Everything you loved about him and it is back because John Wick is back in John Wick 2 where Wick is back on the job as the world’s most unkillable killer.

He hates his damn job but whenever you kill someone people get pissed so John has to keep doing his job or he’ll die from getting killed by another guy who wants revenge even though he’s the hardest to kill in the world. The bad guys want to kill him so bad but they and us know that John Wick is the best killer in town. The only way to kill a guy like this is for everyone in the world to try to get him and that’s sort of what happens in this movie. It’s a bit weird  because in the world of John Wick most people are killers who use gold coins instead of money to get a nice New York hot dog or to pay another guy from doing something for them.

Wick shoots his way through tons of guys and only two girls at the speed of a tornado and looks as cool as he is sad as he travels from New York City to Rome to New York City again for more action.

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The fact that this is an urban movie is a real treat for people living in the country because they already think everyone in the city wants to kill them and this movie does a good job at keeping them scared of that.

If the first Wick was about his doggy, this one was more about John Wick. Before the movie my real brother told me that his dog grew up and became his guard dog in this movie so I expected to see the dog eat someone but sorry, all it does is hang out, no big deal.

John Wick doesn’t eat anything in this movie but one of the bad guys has a great scene where he nibbles a very tasty looking artisanal french fry that brought back memories of the bald guy from Matrix eating a steak in front of the agent who was a tough guy to kill, like John Wick. That’s a pretty interesting connection for movie fans who are more like sleuths than regular watchers like me.

The soundtrack has nothing for me to add to my iPod so here’s a rap I wrote that would’ve been ultra cool during the closing credits, with a rude beat I found on the Internet that you can use to sing along:

Light the wick, I’m talking John Wick
Forrest Gump? Nah, what are you, sick?

He’ll shoot your skull to make sure that you die
He’s got a suit on his back and a gun to his eye
He aims straight and never runs out of guns
It’s Keanu baby, hunk sandwich on action bun
One gold coin might buy you a drink
John Wick 2 a Titanic that won’t sink

Chorus:

John Wick, get up get down, everybody dance
Chapter 2 homie just give it a chance
Action packed no need to skip it
Take your sweetie to the movies, get a ticket ask guy to rip it

I’d give this movie 11 “loaded guns” out of 13 “but I thought we don’t support guns”. I’d recommend it to anyone who needs to hide somewhere for two hours.

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Movie Review — Ghostbusters

The Ghostbusters don’t have dicks anymore because the new Ghostbusters are 100% women. Their new adventure begins, middles and ends much like the adventures of their tit-loving 80s counterparts: The Ghostbusters notice there are ghosts around; they bust; people think they’re bullshit; bigger ghosts come; they bust; people believe them. They carry the same brand of laser, hate slime, and are pretty horny just like the first Ghostbusters, so there’s lots to like and plenty of fresh spooks and camera angles to keep you and your master happy.

Any movie about ghosts is going to have an aura of fear surrounding it, and this major project is no different. For instance, the makers were so scared that people would get pissed that the old Ghostbusters aren’t the new Ghostbusters that they haunted new movie with the old Ghostbusters to make you go “A ha!”, and your dad go, “Thank goodness 80% of them are alive”. These appearances don’t make the movie any better, and quite frankly I would’ve enjoyed seeing more of today’s hottest comedy stars in their stead–male, female, grandpa, whatever, just give me a movie that doesn’t remind me that I’m so dumb for watching a movie that’s already been made.

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Horn dogs will be disappointed to know that the new Ghostbusters wear comfortable, work-appropriate  jumpsuits, with nary a bra strap flashed. Don’t worry you Mountain Dewds because this baby still looked great with primary-coloured ghosts, a big car with real lights, and New York City being its rude rude self.

One of the only men in this was Chris Hemsworth who you know as exotic fighter Thor from the Spiderman movies. They wrote him as an idiot, which made for big laughs because even though the reasonable part of the world treats races and genders the same, we’ll all still willing to laugh at a fuckin moron all day long.

I don’t know about you, but I like my summer crammed with pineapple flavour, weekly dips, no snakes, and plenty of fresh movies to keep my summer mind off the bads, and on the rads. If the world is a refrigerator then this movie is a carbonated, artisan blend of tropical fruits, but it’s still made by Pepsi, you know? I’d give this movie seven who cares it’s just a movie out of 10 watch it but don’t think about it and would recommend it to anyone who doesn’t have air conditioning seeking respite.

Movie review — The Witch

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The Witch is about a REALLY dumb family who moves away from a fairly crappy New England village full of fellow British immigrants to a dirty old field next to the scariest and wettest woods in the world. The reason? Something to do with God, I don’t know, I couldn’t understand a damn thing anyone was saying.

God is as big a part of this movie as wet wood and witches are. I learned that if you move to an isolated field in the 1600s, God becomes your neighbour, friend, enemy, boss, witch-repellent, TV, song inspiration, dinner conversation, you name it, God’s it. This family doesn’t go two seconds without thinking about God, which I guess makes sense if you 100% believe there’s a guy in the sky who can kill you at any second.

Ralph Ineson as "dad"

Ralph Ineson as “dad”

God certainly didn’t tell them that the dark, wet, cold place they decided to move would be a witch’s paradise, but they should’ve known since it’s not as if witches dig the beach. They get what they bargained for because an old witch steals one of the family’s babies then pulls all these tricks to make them go crazy. There’s also a pretty cool ram named Black Philip who steals every scene (and a few souls hehehe).

While I was watching The Witch I started fantasizing about travelling back in time and wowing the characters with modern knowledge and technology as I always do when watching period pieces. In this fantasy I ride up to their really shitty house on what you and I would deem a crummy mountain bike, only to them it’s the fuckin’ craziest thing they ever saw.

Once I make them shut up about the bike I ask them to explain why they’re so bummed. I get a bit scared of this witch shit but seeing how bonkers they went for the mountain bike, I tighten my scarf and fearlessly waltz into the woods armed with nothing more than the flash light I have in my backpack.

I spot the witch and BAM, flash light into her eyes .

“What kind of witchcraft is this,” she screams, “Dost though control the sun”?

“It’s a Coleman, 5.99 at Home Hardware,” I cockily exclaim.

She gives in to my “magic”, appoints me head witch and next thing you know I’m partying nude with a coven who can’t get enough of the duct tape I also brought along.

Two weeks in the woods and I’m like, “Aw shit I forgot about those British immigrants,” then I go back to the homestead where they’re like, “We have n’aint layeth eyes uponst the witch since the eleventeen star, wherest doth thee been?” I  casually explain what’s up and that the witches will chill as long as the family doesn’t have any more babies because witches are attracted to fresh flesh like Harvey Levin is to a hot scoop. I’d leave them wondering who Harvey Levin is then bike back to the witches and party until my Time Gauntlet signals the end of the journey.

I give The Witch, More Goats Please Out Of 10 and would recommend it to anyone who is considering of moving off the grid.

Movie Review — The Hateful Eight

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There’s only one way to cure the space fever that’s infected movie watchers worldwide this holiday season, and that’s by seeing a film that takes place on God’s great ground. This doctor would recommend a few syringes full of The Hateful Eight, a new horse-drawn bleeder from the Stud of Blood himself, Q. Tarantino.

If you prefer your earth muck-brown or grass-green then maybe should keep your melon on the moon because this baby is teeming with the white stuff and I’m not talkin’ whipped cream. It’s a snow-covered epic that screams, “I’m a cowboy movie”, although I felt I was watching award-winning actors playing dress up with clothes and hats by award-winning costume designers influenced by an old Pendleton catalog they found at the famous Rose Bowl Flea Market. Let’s just say that the leads look more “League of Extraordinary Gentlemen” than “These Are Horsey Gentlemen”, know what I mean? I’m all for being stylish but when the guy steering the carriage looks more more fashionable than me–a hip, youngish northern urbanite with a keen eye for flair–I can’t help but get taken out of frozen Hell and into Elle.

It’s cool though, this is a movie, not the New York Times. There’s plenty of dirt, blankets, fur, chunky stews and wood-paneled shacks to evoke feelings of a time before non-stick pans.

The story is about a bunch of assholes who happen upon each other on this shitty mountain in Wyoming. There’s one woman whom everyone else revolves around like a nerd at a movie museum revolving around a life-sized BB-8 droid who’s revolving around itself while revolving around a made-up universe with planets named after nothing but human imagination. To tell you anything more than that would be to betray Me-Everyone else who doesn’t jam hard like me confidentiality, so let’s just say that they don’t spend their time in the shack exchangin’ boot sizes and fried bread recipes.

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With Tarantino telling everyone what to do and say you get a lot of adult themes, liquor use, swearing and shooting. There’s more than enough snow and a couple mentions of J.C.’s b-day to designate it a Christmas movie, with enough western themes to trick your dad into seeing it.

I’d give The Hateful Eight a “yee haw I didn’t mind paying for this” out of 10 and hope that Tarantino’s next movie has a few cell phones in it for Christ’s sake.

Movie Review — Chappie

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Chappie is the new robot movie, made by humans, using robots, for humans, not robots. This is Hugh Jackman’s second major robot movie, the first being 2011’s Real Steel about a different sort of robot altogether.

The robot in Chappie is so cute. Chappie isn’t the name of the robot’s dog or anything, it’s actually the name of the robot, which is groundbreaking because robots usually have names with numbers or computer words in them. Hopefully this won’t deter robot fans from seeing it because they assume it’s about a British boy with a vivid imagination, when it’s really about a robot boy with a vivid imagination. That’s kind of what sets this movie apart from other robot movies because most names of robot movies could be applied to any other robot movie but not Chappie. This movie could’ve been called these other robot titles and it wouldn’t change anything, but if I were called “Larry” instead of “Glenn” I probably wouldn’t dream as big as I do.

Terminator 
Short Circuit
Real Steel
A.I.
RoboCop
The Iron Giant
I, Robot

(If you’re not going to church today, use these j-pegs to trick your dumbest friend or oldest neighbour into believing a new reality)

The rave baby from South Africa’s top selling attention beacons, Die Antwoord, gives Chappie his name in the movie because in the movie she’s kind of his mom. At least that’s what Chappie thinks. Chappie’s mom is technically Dev Patel because he makes Chappie and the rest of the movie’s bots except for the one Hugh Jackman makes. Hugh Jackman’s robot is way bigger than Chappie and isn’t cute at all except that he’s called “Moose”, which was also the name of the shy little cutie in Ernest Goes To Camp.

Film's cutest "Moose"

Film’s cutest “Moose”

Chappie was made by South Africa’s only movie director, Neill Blomkamp. If you liked his other movies you’ll like this one because it combines the crud of District 9 with the tense, last minute computer uploads of Elysium. This is definitely the cutest of this three movies, with all the credit going toward Chappie himself. The two cartoons from Die Antwoord are only cute if you’re an asexual hacker.

If Blomkamp’s next movie is about the gritty underbelly of Johannesburg’s recycling industry it would make sense because Chappie is full of recycled ideas (and robot parts!) from the world of movies and robots. That’s okay though because Chappie is so friendly and his voice was very good thanks to South Africa’s only actor Sharlto Copley, who proves he’s more than just a human in this great piece of sound recording.

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I’d give Chappie a “it’s easier to watch Chappie than to Wikipedia ‘South Africa’s top entertainers’ because they’re all in Chappie” out of 10. This might even be the last robot movie before real robots, which will probably change the way we make robot movies. They probably won’t seem so cute once they’re out there taking our jobs and dating our athletes, eh?

Thanks for watching movies and I’ll see you on the street after you’ve seen a movie so we can talk about it.

Move Review — The Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies

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Hobbit-Heads worldwide got an extra special Christmas orange this year in the form of The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies, the third and final Hobbit film. This new Hobbit movie is the perfect dessert after a satisfying meal of two other Hobbit movies. If you’re confused it’s because there were three Rings movies that featured more way more Hobbits than The Hobbit and to top that off, the Lord of the Rings of the Rings movies isn’t even a Hobbit.

This baby girl picked up right where we left off with the dragon burning the water city and the dwarves and the Hobbit waiting around. Then a dad kills the dragon and you think “oh the adventure is over, the gold is won”, but rather than worry where their next turnip is going to come from, beings from all over the country want some gold for themselves or maybe as a present for their sweeties so they walk to the mountain for some war.

There are supposed to be five armies fighting for the gold — the pretty elves, the funny dwarves, the boring humans, the outrageous orcs and I guess the Hobbit who manages to survive even though he’s from a town full of pussies.

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The orcs were extra scary but still managed to be killed by the hobos and children from the burned town, little dwarves wearing very heavy hats and a Hobbit who doesn’t even wear boots. This was making me mad but then I realized that the reason the orcs don’t fight well is because they don’t train! They sit around and accuse each other of being gay and wait until their big boss says “run”. Meanwhile, the little guys who kill them drape themselves in magic clothes and train all day, no joking around until after supper, that kind of thing. And where’s the motivation? If the orcs win a battle they still have to go back to the dungeon and sleep in their armour, it’s not like they have pajamas. It’s like a goth on Christmas–even if they want to get into their jammies they can’t or else they won’t be goth anymore despite how pure the flannel is. You think there are post-battle treats in the dungeons? Yeah right. Maybe a clean rat will wander in and they can split it but even still, no one would share because they feel too much pressure to be rude.

We know that everything works out fine because this movie happens before the Rings movies that we’ve all already seen. That’s cool though, it’s about the journey not the destination and if there’s one little boy who knows that all too well it’s Bilbo Baggins of the Shire, the title Hobbit of the film.

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I saw The Hobbit for free because Uncle Dave was running the IMAX projector and snuck me in. I got to press “play” in the control booth and that kind of power made me feel like Gandalf, my favourite wizard. I ate no snacks but got to leave my jacket in the booth so that I felt very free and comfortable in my seat, not worrying about any opportunists looking to pinch the jackets of Hobbit fans whose eyes were glued to the screen full of creatures. I’d give this movie a “I might as well finish the trilogy” out of 10 and would recommend it to someone who wants to annoy a friend who hates modern filmmaking.

Movie review — Nightcrawler

Exclusive - Jake Gyllenhaal Films Scenes For 'Nightcrawler'

Time and nutrients have chiseled Jake Gyllenhaal–once considered America’s widest-eyed baby boy–into the man you will see in November’s Nightcrawler, now in theatres.

The new, gaunt Jake slightly resembles a golden age Rick Campanelli who like the film’s nightcrawler, changed the way we watch TV.

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If I keep going on about looks they’ll write a scathing feature about me on slate.com  so let’s chill and walk, not crawl all over Nightcrawler.

Jake plays the main crawler but there’s a few others in the movie too. The crawlers are guys in LA who aren’t scared of blood and who go around and film accidents and fires to sell to news TV. I thought news TV made their own videos but I got no problem learning new things as long as it doesn’t make me look like a stupid idiot, I mean I’m 32 for Christ’s sake.

The main cralwer starts his own crawling business and quickly rises through the ranks because he’s fucked and doesn’t care about anyone but himself and he really doesn’t mind blood at all. He’s like one of those guys in high school who I’d talk to because I felt bad for him but then after you talk to him you’re like “oh fuck him” and you’re relieved that can officially say you hate him because you’ve done your due diligence and didn’t rely on the opinion of others.

I thought we were going to see Rene Russo nude for the first time since 1999’s The Thomas Crown Affair, but nude sex between Jake and Rene was only implied and not shown. This was probably a good thing because Jake’s arms were so veiny in this fucker that if we saw the rest of him we might think he was a snake master and not a nightcrawler. I get the veins though because the movie is about news and the news always says “if it bleeds it leads” and veins make bleeding possible.

Jake Gyllenhaal On The Set Of 'Nightcrawler'

Like a grandpa who won’t shut up, this movie is telling us that we watch too much TV! But it’s also about being your own boss, which is the American dream 2.0, I think.

There isn’t much to this thing, it’s about a veiny loner who finds a new job and gets way too into it. Sounds to me like the last half of Forrest Gump, a movie about a way nicer guy.

To help me get through the movie without chewing on my jacket, I bought a combination of a medium popcorn and a medium drink. I’m such a career medium–shirts, pants, combos–that the sound of the word “medium” makes me feel at home. We were going to refill our drink on the way out so that we could sip until dinner but we forgot probably because we were mad at the nightcrawler for being such a damn doorknob.If I had a friend like that there’s no way I’d answer his emails.

I’d rate this movie “A” for “Anyway, I saw Nightcrawler” because it probably won’t be the first thing you tell your co-worker you did this weekend. I’ll probably lead with the chicken curry I made for dinner on Sunday followed by the goal I scored in hockey on Friday, then Nightcrawler. Have a great afternoon and check out the full glennmacaulay.com blog library, available on demand NOW.

Movie review – Guardians of the Galaxy

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Guardians of the Galaxy is a new movie that has so many aliens and spaceships that you’ll never need to go to the planetarium ever again.

There’s one guy who’s not an alien and that’s human Peter Quill, who calls himself Star Lord, that has more to do with being in space and not being a literal lord because he’s way too goofy to have that kind of authority. He’s played by TV star Chris Pratt who had to lose weight in order to jump all over the place and roll around.

The Star lord gets together with a tree, a raccoon, a volcano man and a green alien to fight against some bald guy who wants an orb that star lord found. That was a bit vague, sorry, there are a lot of bald aliens in this movie. The one I’m talking about is blue and dresses like a Japanese Sphinx. Star Lord’s team doesn’t get along at first but then do because they realize they don’t have any other friends and because it’s way more interesting that way. There’s another plot where star lord misses his dead mom even though the space technology in the movie could probably make him a new one. That part was stupid.

A man can dream

A man can dream

The special effects were great in this movie, creating a version of outer space that’s full of aliens who only speak English and dress like they’re in the opening scene of Bill and Ted part 2. One ticket to that space please! All the ships that the guys drew on their computers for the movie looked really cool and the makeup they used on all the aliens created skin colours and textures that are simply out of this world.

Guardians of the Galaxy was a fun ride and I wouldn’t mind them guarding our galaxy (the milker) as long as they don’t mess around. I hope that in the sequel the tree and raccoon get to go to Earth because I’d love to see what they think of our outdoors.

I ate popcorn, drank a diet cherry coke and some Starburst minis that weren’t as good as Starburst regulars. I shared all snacks with my brother. I’d give this movie a “go see it, you’re bored, right?” and recommend seeing it at night so when you leave the theatre you can keep watching space for free. The best kind of date to bring to this movie would be someone who is easily scared or some dork who hasn’t seen it yet because they were on vacation when it came out.