Movie Review — Phantom Thread

Phantom Thread is a new movie that will go down in history as the last one ever to feature pretending by D-Day Lewis, one of the world’s most ferocious actors. Some say this guy can’t even take a piss without hitting “Track 2” on his iPod shuffle–a recording of Marty Scorcese screaming “I’m the director, gimme satisfaction; act really good once I yell, ‘Action!'”. This motherfucker doesn’t keep magazines next to his toilets, he keeps scripts and those cardboard DVD sleeves that people are so quick to throw out despite containing valuable information about the film within. The acting world will never be the same now that D-Day is hanging up his earrings fashioned after those acting masks where one is laughing and the other is nauseous.

Phantom Thread is a fairly boring story of a dress maker who is a total shithead. Because he makes good money making dresses for European princesses, nobody seems to mind that he’s an asshole. He meets this waitress who wouldn’t know Fendi from Wendy’s and tricks her into becoming his girlfriend/muse/worker/chef/seamstress/friend/fucker/assistant/model. All she gets in return is a season’s pass to hanging out with him and the odd dress that makes the rich women of London go, “SHIT!”.

I can’t talk about the rest too much because it would spoil the movie like post-raisin barf on fresh Flemish lace. There’s actually a cute clue hidden in that sentence that would make director Paul Thomas Anderson’s camera finger twitch the desire to flick my cheek for potentially ruining a paying customer’s experience.

The score (music that plays in the background to distract the audience from actors’ audible winking) was done by Radiohead’s resident bad boy provocateur, Jonny Greenwood. The trio of Greenwood, Anderson, and Lewis have combined for a scant ten lifetime smiles, and could probably lull Jimmy Fallon himself into suicide. Word has it, their favourite on-set joke was to brainstorm a new screwball comedy about blood disease starring John Larroquette.

There’s actually quite a lot of eating in this movie but its very limited to breakfast foods including at least three toast scenes. There are no explosions or cameos unless the woman who plays the Belgian princess was in Veronica Mars or something–I didn’t check. There is not ethnic diversity in this movie except there was an interview with the guy who plays Black Panther during pre-show entertainment with Tanner Zipchen, who has really grown into his role as film fluffer.

This movie is perfect for someone looking to distract their parents from grandma being in the hospital and I would give it seven D-Day Lewis stares in the mirror at himself until he remembers his real name and identity after a hard day of acting out of 10 Oscar voters who are scared to admit that they didn’t realize the woman who plays his assistant in the movie was also his sister.

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