Tag Archives: Hugh Jackman

Movie Review — Logan

Logan is better known as Wolverine, the Canadian mad man with claws who spends his new movie, Logan, as a guy named James even though his friends call him Logan and strangers call him Wolverine if they’ve heard of him.

Logan is fucked up big time in this movie, forcing Hugh Jackman to act with a limp the whole time for probably the first time in his career. In this chapter of the book of this character that’s shaped like a paw, Logan is still alive in the future year of 2029 with his friend and fake dad Professor X. In this he meets a little girl who is exactly like him yet he is still surprised to find out she’s his daughter, probably because the only school he ever went to only taught him how to beat up weirdos and not freak out any time someone looks at him funny.

This movie is a lot like Bad News Bears because it’s about a little daughter helping out a drunk middle age daddy who doesn’t seem to even want a daughter. The little girl in this one looks less like Tatum O’Neal and more like a young Lukas Haas, actor and charter member of Hollywood’s original Pussy Posse.

This movie is also like Terminator 2 in a way because there’s tons of stabbing and a guy protecting a kid, and also kind of like Little Miss Sunshine because there are quite a few road trip sequences and drugs. For you Spielberg fans there’s even a touch of Hook in that there’s some powerful kids hanging out in a clubhouse which Logan goes to in a tuxedo like Robin Williams in Hook.

There were so many stabbings in this movie that I’m surprised it’s not rated S. But seriously, when a movie stars at least 3 people with claws there’d better be wounds, and boy were the movie ambulances you never see burning rubber over the few days or whatever that this thing took place.

This future in this movie isn’t half bad except for this army of guys who all have robot arms doing whatever it is they feel like all day long. And every car is made by GM/Chrysler in the future. That sucks because my family has been about Fords since the ’90 Taurus wagon.

There’s one good eating scene at a stranger’s dinner table and one good bathroom scene, which are good numbers for a major motion picture.

This ain’t the kind of X-Men movie with blue chicks and karate aliens and shit, it’s more raw and that makes sense because Wolverine like his meat raw and his beer cold. Oh Canada indeed.

I’d give this movie 23 “stab wounds” out of 28 “ADR grunts” and would recommend it to anyone who is looking to prank someone religious.

Movie Review — Chappie

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Chappie is the new robot movie, made by humans, using robots, for humans, not robots. This is Hugh Jackman’s second major robot movie, the first being 2011’s Real Steel about a different sort of robot altogether.

The robot in Chappie is so cute. Chappie isn’t the name of the robot’s dog or anything, it’s actually the name of the robot, which is groundbreaking because robots usually have names with numbers or computer words in them. Hopefully this won’t deter robot fans from seeing it because they assume it’s about a British boy with a vivid imagination, when it’s really about a robot boy with a vivid imagination. That’s kind of what sets this movie apart from other robot movies because most names of robot movies could be applied to any other robot movie but not Chappie. This movie could’ve been called these other robot titles and it wouldn’t change anything, but if I were called “Larry” instead of “Glenn” I probably wouldn’t dream as big as I do.

Terminator 
Short Circuit
Real Steel
A.I.
RoboCop
The Iron Giant
I, Robot

(If you’re not going to church today, use these j-pegs to trick your dumbest friend or oldest neighbour into believing a new reality)

The rave baby from South Africa’s top selling attention beacons, Die Antwoord, gives Chappie his name in the movie because in the movie she’s kind of his mom. At least that’s what Chappie thinks. Chappie’s mom is technically Dev Patel because he makes Chappie and the rest of the movie’s bots except for the one Hugh Jackman makes. Hugh Jackman’s robot is way bigger than Chappie and isn’t cute at all except that he’s called “Moose”, which was also the name of the shy little cutie in Ernest Goes To Camp.

Film's cutest "Moose"

Film’s cutest “Moose”

Chappie was made by South Africa’s only movie director, Neill Blomkamp. If you liked his other movies you’ll like this one because it combines the crud of District 9 with the tense, last minute computer uploads of Elysium. This is definitely the cutest of this three movies, with all the credit going toward Chappie himself. The two cartoons from Die Antwoord are only cute if you’re an asexual hacker.

If Blomkamp’s next movie is about the gritty underbelly of Johannesburg’s recycling industry it would make sense because Chappie is full of recycled ideas (and robot parts!) from the world of movies and robots. That’s okay though because Chappie is so friendly and his voice was very good thanks to South Africa’s only actor Sharlto Copley, who proves he’s more than just a human in this great piece of sound recording.

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I’d give Chappie a “it’s easier to watch Chappie than to Wikipedia ‘South Africa’s top entertainers’ because they’re all in Chappie” out of 10. This might even be the last robot movie before real robots, which will probably change the way we make robot movies. They probably won’t seem so cute once they’re out there taking our jobs and dating our athletes, eh?

Thanks for watching movies and I’ll see you on the street after you’ve seen a movie so we can talk about it.