Tag Archives: sci fi

Blogrunner 2049

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I know it’s been awhile since my last blog but I caught a nasty case of the whispers last rise and my pod didn’t produce nearly enough silk to buy a LifePak off the Chimes. Don’t worry though, I’m better now and have even found the energy to hunt dust swans again.

I’m currently typing this on the keyboard-tattooed belly of a mind tramp who will use her considerable skills to retain everything I’m writing, then bring the finished piece to the Central Spire for input. It cost me the last of my corn smut but I didn’t think I’d be able to manage to trip myself because lately my hair is very susceptible to any frequency about 30 hertz. Anyway, I have big news…

Would have bad hair day if I went here

…I’m getting married!

I know what you’re thinking: is she a Potter or a Sickling? I’ll get to that in a minute.

We met at a bleeding; myself in line with the other Reds, her a few feet to my right with the Blues. Small talk is common when you’re waiting to get sucked, but I’m not much of a talker so I normally keep to myself and count shards, or take the opportunity to lay out an array and charge my salt filter. My interest in her piqued when I caught sight of the blade she wore on her hip. The shape resembled something that would be adept at gutting the unusual curvature of an infant glass crab’s body. Since I’d been craving some of that sweet crab meat since The Churn, I attempted to strike up a conversation.

“Is that blade for gutting infant glass crabs?” I asked, assuming she spoke Plain but making a gesture with my hands that mimicked a glass crab’s first dance just in case.

Me trying to get crab meat “the old fashioned way” hahaha

I wasn’t sure if it was due to my ridiculous performance or the crystals I forgot to take out of my ears that morning but rather than answer she produced the blade, cut a swath of hair from her left temple, and handed it to me.

“You’ve been marked,” she said in perfect Plain.

I’d heard of this Sickling ritual from traders and poets across the Nine Plots, always assuming it was sex fiction for lonely travelers, up there with Tale of the Moist Herd or Jid’s Honkers. My familiarly with the tradition meant I knew my options: either succumb to the marking and become her eternal field boy or attempt to flee and risk having her hunt me, catch me, kill me, skin me, weave my skin into a diaper for the Prime King’s offspring, and have my meat and innards pulped into an ink to be used for their famous comic strips that satirize races they’ve eviscerated.

I didn’t feel much like running and I was getting kind of bored of trying to procreate through jinxing the hopping apes that lived nearby, so I accepted her mark and was quickly fused to her via a length of goblin vine.

We’ve been together for three floods now! She’s currently allowing me to roam while she gathers cones for the official marking ceremony, and as soon as I’m done typing I’m going to try to find a wedding ring before she re-fuses us for the skiff ride back to her hole. I figure it’s a nice gesture to include some of my own traditions before my independence, language, soul, fingernails, and body hair are stripped away from me as we begin our new life as Niff and Sickling.

Our first pic as a couple 🙂

Which ring should I get?

I could find a snake worm and knot it up but I’m afraid it won’t dry in time. My best option is probably try to steal a pike spring off a SandSki but I only see one at this bazaar and it seems to be guarded by a hybrid who can likely smell my thoughts. Ah well, I suppose I can figure that out later. I see my new darling crawling back this way and if she catches me doing this she might not let me sing my regrets to her pack once we get home, so that’s it for me!

– Mick R.

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The Definitive Star Wars Audience Participation Script

The popularity of Star Wars is due to many things, most notably its soundtrack, which when played backwards describes the exact location of George Lucas’ high school locker.

But over the years, and several fan pilgrimages to Robin Hood High in Modesto, CA, the movie has taken on a life of its own and continues to be screened on big ones across the world. Fans have even taken it upon themselves to immerse themselves into the action by reacting in unison at certain points of the film, thereby becoming part of it.

Next time you find yourself on shore leave with nothing but a pocket full of ground beef and a few hours to spare, head out to a Star Wars screening and follow along with the diehards using this complete guide:


The show begins with the designated SM (Star Master) warning any first-timers that “their balls are about to be blown off”. The audience responds, “HOW ARE THEY GOING TO GET BLOWN OFF?” to which the SM replies, “WITH LASERS, SPACESHIPS, ALIENS, AND FIGHTS”.

The SM retreats to the back row where a bushel of peaches awaits.  He or she will then ROLL A PEACH down the aisle whenever a PLANET or ASTEROID appears onscreen (if peaches aren’t in season, use onions).


As the famous opening crawl begins with “A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…”, each audience member holds up a COMPASS, says in unison “WON’T  BE NEEDING THIS” then throws them behind them toward the SM. The SM collects each compass for later.


Then you are to READ THE CRAWL in unison, verbatim, in the VOICE OF YOUR FATHER.

VERBALIZE every piece of punctuation using their special Star Wars code names:

Comma = Low Helmet
Period = Little Planet
Apostrophe = High Helmet
Ellipses = Laser Holes

Example: Pursued by the Empire HIGH HELMETs sinister agents LOW HELMET Princess Leia races home aboard her starship LOW HELMET custodian of the stolen plans that can save her people and restore freedom to the galaxy LASER HOLES


Right after C-3P0 and R2-D2 cross the hallway, just before Vader arrives, shout out, “BIG MAMA’S COMING!”


When Luke sees Leia’s message for the first time, she says “Help me Obi Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope” a bunch of times.

After the SECOND time the she says it say “AGAIN, PLEASE”, then after the third time “OKAY WE GET IT, SHUT UP”


Right when R5-D4’s motivator blows, everyone gets out their phones and DELETES THEIR MOST RECENT EMAIL.


When Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru are discussing Luke’s future:

Beru: Luke’s not a farmer Owen he has too much of his father in him
Owen: That’s what I’m afraid of…

The audience responds, “I’M AFRAID OF _____” filling in the blank with your greatest fear. The Star Master chooses the dumbest fear of the crowd and forces that person to sit backwards the rest of the screening.


In the iconic scene where Luke leaves his house and looks to the Tatooine night sky with its two suns, scream, “GIMME DOUBLE PEACHES, STAR MASTER”


When Obi-Wan removes his hood to reveal himself for the first time and says “Hello There”, everyone TAKES OFF THEIR SHIRTS, stows them under their seats, and responds with “HI, MAN”.


At the first appearance of Chewbacca at the Mos Eisley Cantina, take the GROUND BEEF out of your pocket and THROW IT AT THE SCREEN.


When Ponda Baba’s arm is cut off by Obi-Wan Kenobi, everyone HOLDS UP THE ARM they wouldn’t mind losing, wiggles it around, and says “HERE, HAVE MINE”.

The SM counts the number of rights and lefts held up and will report the data to the local census board as a sign of goodwill. When delivered, the SM will tell the associate he or she deals with, “From Luke and his farm, I give you these arms”.


At the first sight of the Death Star, after Obi-Wan says, “That’s no moon”, the audience responds,  “NOPE! IT’S ANOTHER PEACH, BABY”.


While in the detention area, a frantic Han says, “Uh, we had a slight weapons malfunction, but uh… everything’s perfectly all right now. We’re fine. We’re all fine here now, thank you. How are you?”

The audience responds, “WE’RE OKAY BUT WE COULD USE A SHIRT”.


When our heroes land in the garbage chute on the Death Star, take any garbage accumulated during the screening and THROW IT BACKWARD toward the SM, while making LASER NOISES.


When Obi-Wan is struck down by Darth Vader his clothes fall to the floor. The audience RETRIEVES the shirts they removed earlier and THROWS THEM AT THE SCREEN.


When Luke says, “I used to bullseye womp rats in my T-16 back home. They’re not much bigger than two meters”, respond with “TWO METERS? THAT’S AT LEAST FIFTY PEACHES”. Then everyone turns around to face the SM who responds, “I AM YOUR MASTER AND I ROLL WHEN I SAY I ROLL”.


When the pilots take the their ships for the attack, the shirtless crowd leaves the theatre and must go out to the street to TELL 10 STRANGERS ABOUT STAR WARS.

Once you successfully fill your quota, jog back to the theatre and take your seat. If you’re able to get back in time for when Luke deals the fatal blow to the Death Star, POP a ZIT (if you have one) and SHOUT out “I MADE IT”.


As Luke, Han, and Chewbacca walk down the aisle to receive their awards, the LEFT SIDE of the audience chants “LET’S GO LUKE, LET’S GO LUKE, HAN AND CHEWY MAKE ME PUKE”. The RIGHT SIDE responds with “HAN AND HIS PET, HAN AND HIS PET, LUKE WEARS A DIAPER AND IT’S ALL WET”


As the end credits begin to roll the SM will reward the peaches to the first person who returned to his or her seat after canvassing the neighbourhood. That lucky patron then leads a parade outside the theatre where everyone who DIDN’T get back in time is waiting.

The SM then BURNS the pile of compasses along with the garbage and discarded shirts. The SM will also form patties out of the ground beef and grill them over the burning pile. The person who got the peaches must stomp them into a jam to be spread onto each patty, then distribute the peach burgers to the fans. Once the food is consumed the screening has concluded.


Everyone has a SAFE RIDE HOME.