listings is an online classified service made by Glenn for Glenn. Please peruse today’s listings and reply if you can offer your assistance. All are welcome to reply, whether your name is Glenn, Glen or Tooby.

How do you wash a garbage can?

Hi, looking for information on how to wash a garbage can if you don’t have access to an outdoor hose or one of those basement bathtubs that no one uses so you store the vacuum in it, and one time you realized it’s a good spot to clean the garbage can. My wife thought something died in or around our kitchen garbage nook and after a simple investigation I’ve concluded that the can has accumulated the stinks of trash past.

What kind of soap should I use? Our Dove bars contain one quarter moisturizing cream but is moisture not what gives garbage its signature stench? If my garbage was dry I wouldn’t have this problem and could simply burn it along with the used napkins and moss that grows inside the oven. I have considered an anti-bacterial soap but I don’t want to rid the can of the good kind of bacteria that keeps snakes away.

Where should I perform the operation? Since I’ve never spotted anyone wash their garbage can outdoors, I’m beginning to doubt that anyone does it in the first place. This has me stressed that I’ve been doing garbage wrong all these years and that maybe my Ouiji board was right and I should be stuffing more things down the sewer.

How can I prevent this from happening again save for investing the those expensive garbage bags that have more tech in them than Teddy Ruxpin’s eyes? I’m considering pre-treating every piece of trash with the deodorant I got in my Christmas stocking that I’m not using because it’s not my brand. It will be labour-intensive but if my garbage smells like a teenager who doesn’t sweat but is eager to interact with his newly-haired pits, count me in.

  • do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers. Once, the mailman ignored my no flyers sign so I taped a worm to his chest and gave him a free pass to the bird sanctuary. You don’t want that to happen to you, do you?

For Sale – old shoes – $Various prices$ (Toronto)

My feet don’t stink and I have good style, which means my old shoes are as good as a dorky stinker’s new ones. There are several styles available: low tops, high tops, squeakers, rubber stubs, hammer toes, lucky pups and laced janes. Send me some money and I’ll decide which pair you get based on how much you send. Don’t look so shocked, this is how auctions work in Europe.

  • do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers unless you got a good deal on tar.

How should I feel about the ***mangy raccoon*** out back?

There’s this dirty little fucker hanging around near the trash out back. He took a huge shit right outside our door and I’ve been told the turds are toxic. If one of my co-workers did this I’d slap them across the knee and pour molasses down their trousers but what is my recourse when dealing with a creature outside my own genus? I’ve seen this guy and he looks like he’s been experimented on by some local slow man whom some are sympathetic toward, while others take him to McDonalds and force him to order things that aren’t on the menu. Did I just answer my own question by equating the man with the creature? No, but I suppose I should treat the raccoon like I’d treat the hypothetical slow man–ignorance! I think I’ve reached a conclusion but if you have any further advice or know of a prank where raccoon turd is the primary ingredient, please reply.

  • do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers, I’m not lonely and everything I need I get from Shoppers Drug Mart.

Seeking: Live-in nurse who’s comfortable with snot (downtown core)

I’ll pay any nurse a pot of dimes if he or she can get rid of my current nasal and sinus congestion and get me back to summer shape. The only goo I like to experience in the summer is wet ice cream that I can use to distract bees in order to get to their sweet goo. I’m willing to try any miracle cure as long as it doesn’t involve anything Chinese, which doesn’t have anything to do with race, but everything to do with the way they drive!

  • OK for recruiters to contact this job poster. He’s got a great hockey card collection that shows dedication.
  • do NOT contact us with unsolicited services or offers unless it’s a job offer, duh

**Non-Glenn special**
My buddy Ooba begged me to post this on glennslist because he’s having trouble finding a girlfriend. His English isn’t the best so I did my best to make it coherent based on his favourite expressions. Don’t think for a second that this means I’ll start accepting posts from anyone but me–I owe Ooba a favour after he installed a spy camera into the taxi I’m trying to get revenge on.

M seeking W with Bleach blind eyes – 42 (Ajax)

Most rad dudes are looking for a tanned-skin stunner with blue eyes and bleach blonde hair, but I have so many classically gross features that I’d like to find a tanned-skin stunner with hair and bleach blind eyes, the whiter and blinder the better. Of course if you’re reading this you probably don’t qualify so I encourage my fellow lovelorn to help me out and activate beige-dar. If she can’t see me she can’t see the warts on my thighs that doctors have described as “raisin-esque” I don’t have a problem with her smelling my ear gravy, a rare condition that combines the stickiness of ear wax with the savoury taste of snot and the colour of Kentucky caramel.

  • do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers. No wait, please do, Ooba hates junk mail and when he gets mad his ears turn green.

2 responses to “ listings

  1. I’m crying but not from your stinky garbage but because this is so far out there and funny! Kairy

  2. Where did you come from, Glenn!?!!!!

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