Tag Archives: love

My wedding vows

Three years ago I married a woman for the first time and since then we’ve shared our lives and toilet in wedded bliss.

Our wedding day is a blur of presents and money but if there’s one thing I do remember, it’s the vows I spoke directly into the eyes of my beautiful wife. In honour of our anniversary I’d like to share these vows with you with the hope that they inspire you to go out there and somehow find a single soulmate in a world of 7 billion people.

Love, Glenn


Hey baby baby, if I choke, save me
If I drown it’s my fault because only clowns drown
So lower me down into the ground in a race car casket
Complete with engine, oil and gaskets
I’ll want to race to the afterlife
To have sex with ghosts and wait for you, wife
It won’t be heaven without you or Kevin
Which Kevin is the Kevin I’d like to meet in Heaven?
Spacey, Hart even Smith would do
As long as they’re there with me, clouds and you
And if there’s no Heaven that’s alright as well
Being anywhere without you is like living in Hell
Speaking of Hell, it’s likely not bad
Maybe too hot and a little bit sad
But I’d rather suffer with you than party alone
So let’s make this quick and hit the bone zone

glennslist.org listings

glennslist.org is an online classified service made by Glenn for Glenn. Please peruse today’s listings and reply if you can offer your assistance. All are welcome to reply, whether your name is Glenn, Glen or Tooby.

How do you wash a garbage can?

Hi, looking for information on how to wash a garbage can if you don’t have access to an outdoor hose or one of those basement bathtubs that no one uses so you store the vacuum in it, and one time you realized it’s a good spot to clean the garbage can. My wife thought something died in or around our kitchen garbage nook and after a simple investigation I’ve concluded that the can has accumulated the stinks of trash past.

What kind of soap should I use? Our Dove bars contain one quarter moisturizing cream but is moisture not what gives garbage its signature stench? If my garbage was dry I wouldn’t have this problem and could simply burn it along with the used napkins and moss that grows inside the oven. I have considered an anti-bacterial soap but I don’t want to rid the can of the good kind of bacteria that keeps snakes away.

Where should I perform the operation? Since I’ve never spotted anyone wash their garbage can outdoors, I’m beginning to doubt that anyone does it in the first place. This has me stressed that I’ve been doing garbage wrong all these years and that maybe my Ouiji board was right and I should be stuffing more things down the sewer.

How can I prevent this from happening again save for investing the those expensive garbage bags that have more tech in them than Teddy Ruxpin’s eyes? I’m considering pre-treating every piece of trash with the deodorant I got in my Christmas stocking that I’m not using because it’s not my brand. It will be labour-intensive but if my garbage smells like a teenager who doesn’t sweat but is eager to interact with his newly-haired pits, count me in.

  • do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers. Once, the mailman ignored my no flyers sign so I taped a worm to his chest and gave him a free pass to the bird sanctuary. You don’t want that to happen to you, do you?

For Sale – old shoes – $Various prices$ (Toronto)

My feet don’t stink and I have good style, which means my old shoes are as good as a dorky stinker’s new ones. There are several styles available: low tops, high tops, squeakers, rubber stubs, hammer toes, lucky pups and laced janes. Send me some money and I’ll decide which pair you get based on how much you send. Don’t look so shocked, this is how auctions work in Europe.

  • do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers unless you got a good deal on tar.

How should I feel about the ***mangy raccoon*** out back?

There’s this dirty little fucker hanging around near the trash out back. He took a huge shit right outside our door and I’ve been told the turds are toxic. If one of my co-workers did this I’d slap them across the knee and pour molasses down their trousers but what is my recourse when dealing with a creature outside my own genus? I’ve seen this guy and he looks like he’s been experimented on by some local slow man whom some are sympathetic toward, while others take him to McDonalds and force him to order things that aren’t on the menu. Did I just answer my own question by equating the man with the creature? No, but I suppose I should treat the raccoon like I’d treat the hypothetical slow man–ignorance! I think I’ve reached a conclusion but if you have any further advice or know of a prank where raccoon turd is the primary ingredient, please reply.

  • do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers, I’m not lonely and everything I need I get from Shoppers Drug Mart.

Seeking: Live-in nurse who’s comfortable with snot (downtown core)

I’ll pay any nurse a pot of dimes if he or she can get rid of my current nasal and sinus congestion and get me back to summer shape. The only goo I like to experience in the summer is wet ice cream that I can use to distract bees in order to get to their sweet goo. I’m willing to try any miracle cure as long as it doesn’t involve anything Chinese, which doesn’t have anything to do with race, but everything to do with the way they drive!

  • OK for recruiters to contact this job poster. He’s got a great hockey card collection that shows dedication.
  • do NOT contact us with unsolicited services or offers unless it’s a job offer, duh

**Non-Glenn special**
My buddy Ooba begged me to post this on glennslist because he’s having trouble finding a girlfriend. His English isn’t the best so I did my best to make it coherent based on his favourite expressions. Don’t think for a second that this means I’ll start accepting posts from anyone but me–I owe Ooba a favour after he installed a spy camera into the taxi I’m trying to get revenge on.

M seeking W with Bleach blind eyes – 42 (Ajax)

Most rad dudes are looking for a tanned-skin stunner with blue eyes and bleach blonde hair, but I have so many classically gross features that I’d like to find a tanned-skin stunner with hair and bleach blind eyes, the whiter and blinder the better. Of course if you’re reading this you probably don’t qualify so I encourage my fellow lovelorn to help me out and activate beige-dar. If she can’t see me she can’t see the warts on my thighs that doctors have described as “raisin-esque” I don’t have a problem with her smelling my ear gravy, a rare condition that combines the stickiness of ear wax with the savoury taste of snot and the colour of Kentucky caramel.

  • do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers. No wait, please do, Ooba hates junk mail and when he gets mad his ears turn green.

Friday’s gallery – engagement photos

The warrior king who runs glennmacaulay.com is back with another highly relevant Internet photo gallery, quick and easily consumable for the techie on the go.

Today’s gallery features a stunning collection of engagement photos, a modern photographic ritual that aims to capture pre-wed couples proving to their loved ones that they are more than just a vagina and a well-fitting penis. It’s also a way for photographers to take advantage of a new digital age where citizens feel the need to prove to others that they are happier and cuter than anyone else. Onto the gallery! We’ll talk after.


Gregorby and Margoose give a not-so-subtle nod to Gregorby’s Moroccan heritage by acting out a traditional “Check Check”. Here, the male examines the female’s back thighs and lower ass to ensure she’s fit for a mule-butting while the female surveys the skies for hungry toucans. Photo by Beast


Biv and El Chris re-enact their first kiss amongst the sauces of their forefathers. There is actually a lot more going on here than meets the eye–see those bananas? They’re pointed away from the constellation Canis Minor, communicating to us that the two love-birds are waaay into the healing powers of muck.


Taking candid shots is another popular style of engagement photo. Jason and Jasonn had an hour long chat out on the picnic table while their photographer took snaps every thirty seconds, producing about 104 (the shutterbug took a short break to spit) hot pics. They opted for this one, which came about after Jasonn asked Jason if she preferred cumin or allspice for the hundredth time.


George and his fiancée Iman just had to include their brood of North Boston Fire Rats, which they consider a part of the family. Iman looks a touch peeved only because the photographer yelled at them after one of the rats got into his popcorn.


The pet trend continues in this photo of the future Mr. and Mrs. Tink. Things got a bit weird when the couple couldn’t contain themselves and started necking right there and then. While this was going on the cat sniffed the tiger skin wall hanging harder than Josef “The Schnoz” Herman during second semester mid-stinks at Odour College, North Bay campus.


Urbanites Snarl and Friday don’t hide the fact that they love chewin’ on stew-dipped wood here in their condo kitchen. The photo was obviously staged because they’re not wearing bibs, but photography is about magic, not science.


This couple was fairly subdued until the photographer told them to act is if they were at a salad bar that ran out of olives.


Originally this couple wanted to eat an American flag in honour of the groom’s Latvian heritage but were convinced otherwise once the photographer brought out this baked cardboard with ham.


Ian and Devra went through six days of make-up and glare training to get this once-in-a-lifetime shot. They aren’t portraying any particular set of characters but rather a composite of some of their favourites: Ian a mix of Vigo the Carpathian, a Crown Royal bag, Kim Mitchell and Donkey Kong, and Devra a mix of the mom from Alien Nation, Kat Von D, Powder, and Audrey Hepburn.


Finally, we have Jones and Lady who covered themselves in flowers only to be bombarded by thousands of honey wasps. They were able to keep their cool because the photographer told them not to move or the they’d be charged four times the price. What might have been frustrating for some turned into a blessing for this pair–the venom from the wasps turned their blood into a poison that they used on Lady’s parents who had arranged for her to marry a different guy who doesn’t believe in movies.

Okay, let’s talk. What’s your favourite photo? Around the fifth photo I got kinda tired of writing captions but I forged ahead like a character in Lord of the Rings would if he or she found out that there’s a man who owns a killer set of books. Enjoy your weekend and don’t forget make fun of anyone who doesn’t know who Pearl Jam is.