The warrior king who runs glennmacaulay.com is back with another highly relevant Internet photo gallery, quick and easily consumable for the techie on the go.
Today’s gallery features a stunning collection of engagement photos, a modern photographic ritual that aims to capture pre-wed couples proving to their loved ones that they are more than just a vagina and a well-fitting penis. It’s also a way for photographers to take advantage of a new digital age where citizens feel the need to prove to others that they are happier and cuter than anyone else. Onto the gallery! We’ll talk after.
Gregorby and Margoose give a not-so-subtle nod to Gregorby’s Moroccan heritage by acting out a traditional “Check Check”. Here, the male examines the female’s back thighs and lower ass to ensure she’s fit for a mule-butting while the female surveys the skies for hungry toucans. Photo by Beast
Biv and El Chris re-enact their first kiss amongst the sauces of their forefathers. There is actually a lot more going on here than meets the eye–see those bananas? They’re pointed away from the constellation Canis Minor, communicating to us that the two love-birds are waaay into the healing powers of muck.
Taking candid shots is another popular style of engagement photo. Jason and Jasonn had an hour long chat out on the picnic table while their photographer took snaps every thirty seconds, producing about 104 (the shutterbug took a short break to spit) hot pics. They opted for this one, which came about after Jasonn asked Jason if she preferred cumin or allspice for the hundredth time.
George and his fiancée Iman just had to include their brood of North Boston Fire Rats, which they consider a part of the family. Iman looks a touch peeved only because the photographer yelled at them after one of the rats got into his popcorn.
The pet trend continues in this photo of the future Mr. and Mrs. Tink. Things got a bit weird when the couple couldn’t contain themselves and started necking right there and then. While this was going on the cat sniffed the tiger skin wall hanging harder than Josef “The Schnoz” Herman during second semester mid-stinks at Odour College, North Bay campus.
Urbanites Snarl and Friday don’t hide the fact that they love chewin’ on stew-dipped wood here in their condo kitchen. The photo was obviously staged because they’re not wearing bibs, but photography is about magic, not science.
This couple was fairly subdued until the photographer told them to act is if they were at a salad bar that ran out of olives.
Originally this couple wanted to eat an American flag in honour of the groom’s Latvian heritage but were convinced otherwise once the photographer brought out this baked cardboard with ham.
Ian and Devra went through six days of make-up and glare training to get this once-in-a-lifetime shot. They aren’t portraying any particular set of characters but rather a composite of some of their favourites: Ian a mix of Vigo the Carpathian, a Crown Royal bag, Kim Mitchell and Donkey Kong, and Devra a mix of the mom from Alien Nation, Kat Von D, Powder, and Audrey Hepburn.
Finally, we have Jones and Lady who covered themselves in flowers only to be bombarded by thousands of honey wasps. They were able to keep their cool because the photographer told them not to move or the they’d be charged four times the price. What might have been frustrating for some turned into a blessing for this pair–the venom from the wasps turned their blood into a poison that they used on Lady’s parents who had arranged for her to marry a different guy who doesn’t believe in movies.
Okay, let’s talk. What’s your favourite photo? Around the fifth photo I got kinda tired of writing captions but I forged ahead like a character in Lord of the Rings would if he or she found out that there’s a man who owns a killer set of books. Enjoy your weekend and don’t forget make fun of anyone who doesn’t know who Pearl Jam is.
GLENN W. MACAULAY 