Easy poetry

Poetry is the easiest art form to master so if you’re looking to impress a girl, eulogize a Scottish guy or find a creative way to list your volunteer experience on a resume, use poetry. For years I’ve been one of the top poets in Ontario and it’s not because I see the beauty in boring things like lawns. Here are some tips to turn you into me:

Rhyme a sentence

Most poetry is goddamn nonsense but since it’s considered “art”, you can write anything and someone out there will think it’s profound. To make an easy abstract poem, write down any common sentence and then rhyme it to form something new.

Sample sentence:
All you gotta do is find at least two words that sound like each other.

Now rhyme it with any words you want to form a beautiful, abstract poem:
Ball stew rot of poo
piss grint rat beast
poo curds fat
drowned bike beach mother

Make a haiku

It’s so dumb that haikus are considered poems because they’re so easy to do as long as you know what syllables are. Syllables are like, the number of things that sound like… one thing in a word or sentence… um, they’re like drum beats but… what am I, a dictionary?

To make a haiku write one sentence that’s 5 syllables, another that’s 7 and then another that’s 5. I can make a haiku out of the bullshit I just wrote:

Syllables are like
The number of things that sound…
um, they’re like drum beats

make up whatever you want but don’t smile when someone reads it in front of you

Part of being a poet is knowing when to frown. Here’s something I made up that doesn’t have anything to do with my emotions:

The sound of winter
The taste of fall
The onion in the
Waterfall

Take this poem to your teacher and read it with a frown and you’ll get an A-, guaranteed. Crack a smile and it’s detention time where you’ll probably be forced to write a real poem about how rude you’ve been.

Place around with space

Every poet wishes they could draw but since they can’t they treat their poem paper like a canvas, splashing words here and there to make it look cool. You can’t put sunglasses on a steak and make it look like a cow but apparently you can wiggle words and make a poem a hit. Let’s take this poem I came up with just now:

Trees shake from top to tail
They’re Used to it.
Wind Moves Trees
It’s Used To IT.
Water?
Still.

Pretty boring. Watch what happens once we shift things around:

Trees shake from top to tail
                                            They’re Used to it.
                                                                    Wind Moves Trees
                                                                                           It’s Used To IT.
Water?
Still.