What’s the right vitamin for you?

Nobody knows where vitamins are or where they came from but we need them to play soccer, that’s for sure.

It’s pretty cool that each vitamin does something different but it’s insane that we still haven’t figured out the perfect mix that will enable us to jump higher, swim deeper and fuck each other weirder.

Experimenting with vitamin mixes can be a risky business–just ask John Merrick–but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t explore the advantages of a vitamin-forward lifestyle. I was itchin’ to find out how vitamins could positively effect my well-being so I spent my mom’s entire 60th birthday analyzing and researching every vitamin ever discovered. For the first time since my last Hat Club meeting, I’d like to share my findings to help you fold them into your daily intakes.

Vitamin B12

B12

  • More of a dessert vitamin
  • Looks great on a kitchen shelf next to the jams and jellies
  • Been on the cover of SWALLOW Magazine a record 9 times
  • Won’t cure lice

Vitamin D

D

  • Passé but highly respected within the gambling community
  • Best stored deep in the pocket of an old man’s corduroy pants among used tissues and pennies
  • Pairs nicely with a glass of black wine
  • Not a great solution for head lice

Vitamin C

C

  • Smells like a sour dentist’s office
  • Found naturally in pinecones and magazine spines
  • Headlined both Vitamania ’86 and The Great Ontario Pill Grill
  • Ineffective against lice

Vitamin A

A

  • Great for your eyes, bad for a Christmas present
  • Is the title pill in the famous “take a chill pill” retort
  • Roughly equal to three spires of spice in most Baltic bazaars
  • Doesn’t have any effect on a human head infected with lice
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