Sometimes I need something other than a pair of Levi’s to make me feel normal so every week I print out images of our nation’s freaks and pin them to the back of my scarf closet as a reminder that I’m on-brand, human-wise. It may be fruitless to try to define “normal” but the X-Files gotta get their ideas from somewhere, right?
So far it’s worked out pretty well so I’d like to share this week’s findings in case any of you need a pick me up, OR you happen to be a dollar-bill-flickin’ investor looking for the latest self-help craze.
Ben “Toes” Inglestep of Victoria, B.C.
I get it, weirdo–you got nice crow’s feet. Anyone with the social ineptitude to flash such enviable canyons when there’s legions of us still waiting for ours to fully form oughta be destroyed. Put a bra on those things, dude!
Denise Hallford of Halifax, Nova Scotia
What kind of a monster puts so much effort into hiding their shoulders? The hair, the tunic, the lighting–loosen up, it’s the 2000’s! I love a smooth, sexy, sculpted shoulder as much as the next man but give me a little credit lady, I won’t stare longer than is necessary for me to bank the image to sketch in my Girl Journal later on.
Toby Pister of Markham, Ontario
This is a freak who’s already learned the power of a hungry smile but I’m not falling for it. As much as I’d love to feed you dinner while your parents aren’t looking, I’m CERTAIN that you’re baiting me into getting into a fist fight with your dad. If I’m going to sneak spoonfuls to anyone I’ll stick to my nephews and nieces like a normal person, thanks.
Lucy St. Gregory of Mississauga, Ontario
If makes me fucking sick when a woman looks at me as if I’m going suddenly beg to become her son.
Max Laurent of Shawinigan, Quebec
Nice shirt, buddy–I know that neckline is a pathetic attempt to get me to imagine your head mounted on a wall but it ain’t workin’ because I stopped getting off on that once my braces came off and my zits dried up.