As a personal website that prides herself on transparency, we feel it’s prudent to disclose that the following content has arisen out of demands from shareholders who were displeased with our Q3 results. They’d prefer we move toward an editorial model that encourages social sharing, which we’ve agreed upon and will make an effort to strive toward with every exclamation point we tap. By no means will this affect our core value of “Go Fuckin’ Bonkers Or Ski Home With A Snake Tied Around Your Neck”, and are hopeful this slightly new direction will allow us to broaden our audience to beyond mustard lovers.
The following is the first in a series of blogs to be released every Friday, right when your mind starts drifting away from spreadsheets and emails, and toward dead meats and females, eh fellas? Mmm boy. Gather your family around the computer and throw your dog in the closet, it’s time for the first ever edition of FRIDAY FLIP SIDES.
On Friday there’s a palpable buzz in the air…
…But on the flip side, you’ll probably never know what a lion tastes like, and you certainly won’t ever experience a lion gravy.
On Friday the promise of a full weekend is in your grasp…
…But on the flip side, there’s no emoji to let people know the cancer has spread.
On Friday night you can go to bed as late as you want…
…But on the flip side, if your penis is small enough to fit up a nostril, you’ll probably never get married.
Friday is pay day!
…But on the flip side, if good aliens come, George Clooney will probably make friends with them first; they’ll stay at his Italian lake house and no one else will get to try their serums and mind melds.
On Friday, the city streets swell with fun-seeking youth…
…But on the flip side, you can’t control the guest list at your own funeral unless it’s part of your will, but if it takes awhile for you to die you’ll have to update it often because friends come and go. Your lawyer will get annoyed and claim a funeral guest list is unprecedented, and you’ll end up wasting much of the money you were supposed to leave to your family on lawyer fees. The lawyer will use the money to purchase ozone-damaging petroleum for his or her luxury vehicle just because you want to make sure your sister doesn’t invite cousin Shane to a party in your honour that you won’t even be alive for.
GLENN W. MACAULAY 