Tier 1 – Tiny Tears
Low sodium trickle capable of hydrating small mammalia with low intelligence; inconsistent intervals not ideal for timing board game turns.
Common Instigation: A guest sauced your last roll of toilet paper.
Tier 2 – Low-Level Tier 3 Tears
Brine-rich droplets; shape comparable to rain forest dew formed on back of juvenile log hogs; average viscosity; known colloquially as ‘prismatic blue berries’.
Common Instigation: Your group learns the hieroglyph for “stooge” looks a lot like your right sideburn.
Tier 3 – Salt Sob
High emission duct spawn capable of travelling long distances; anthropologists dubbed them ‘pop tears’ as they are depicted in famous works of art, and Portuguese food labels.
Common Instigation: The DJ called you a “sack” on air after you requested a song you swore your dog loves.
Tier 4 – Fear Tears
Autonomous cheek eroders with ocean-like cellular structure ideal for the growth of single cell organisms and training surfers to feel more at home.
Common Instigation: Someone ran an Austin 3:16 shirt up your flagpole on Remembrance Day
Tier 5 – Mom’s Dead
Nutrient-rich lip food of the geyser genus; Shakespeare lived off his own Tier 5’s while penning King Lear, thus the appellation, ‘Bard’s Buffet’.
Common Instigation: Mom’s dead
Tier 6 – Tearing At Your Soul Tears
From Plato’s ‘Republic’:
“Tears tear through time tickling all trace of face, wring robes to make sea…”
In modern literature: ‘The old homemade soy sauce’
Common Instigation: Dad killed mom