Tear Tiers


Tier 1 – Tiny Tears

Low sodium trickle capable of hydrating small mammalia with low intelligence; inconsistent intervals not ideal for timing board game turns.

Common Instigation: A guest sauced your last roll of toilet paper.

Tier 2 – Low-Level Tier 3 Tears

Brine-rich droplets; shape comparable to rain forest dew formed on back of juvenile log hogs; average viscosity; known colloquially as ‘prismatic blue berries’.

Common Instigation: Your group learns the hieroglyph for “stooge” looks a lot like your right sideburn.

Tier 3 – Salt Sob

High emission duct spawn capable of travelling long distances; anthropologists dubbed them ‘pop tears’ as they are depicted in famous works of art, and Portuguese food labels.

Common Instigation: The DJ called you a “sack” on air after you requested a song you swore your dog loves.

Tier 4 – Fear Tears

Autonomous cheek eroders with ocean-like cellular structure ideal for the growth of single cell organisms and training surfers to feel more at home.

Common Instigation: Someone ran an Austin 3:16 shirt up your flagpole on Remembrance Day

Tier 5 – Mom’s Dead

Nutrient-rich lip food of the geyser genus; Shakespeare lived off his own Tier 5’s while penning King Lear, thus the appellation, ‘Bard’s Buffet’.

Common Instigation: Mom’s dead

Tier 6 – Tearing At Your Soul Tears

From Plato’s ‘Republic’:

“Tears tear through time tickling all trace of face, wring robes to make sea…”

In modern literature: ‘The old homemade soy sauce’

Common Instigation: Dad killed mom


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