Modern Paradoxes

Now that we in the First World have hit “Peak HD”, we can no longer rely on crystal clear images to blow our minds. It’s this sailor’s opinion that we must look back upon the brain blasters of old to reignite our imaginations, ensuring we’ll never been short of ideas for Pixar movies.

Looking past the amazing properties of yeast, and snakes getting boners, I’d like to table a re-ignition of paradoxes that once dazzled the olive-soaked, unexposed-to-canned-chili brains of robe-clad youths in Ancient Greece.  Here are two modern examples suitable for transcription into your next yearbook quote.

The Bourne ΡΛΓΛÐ⊗Χ


It’s the fourth of July and you throw a party called “Bourne On The Fourth Of July” where you watch Jason Bourne movies on the fourth of July, but you also want to celebrate the “Bourne On The Fourth Of July” celebration by watching “Born On The Fourth Of July” on the fourth of July during “Bourne On The Fourth Of July”, while also honouring the fourth of July.

The Soil ΡΛΓΛÐ⊗χ


The verb “soil” means to “make unclean”, and is often used in regards to human piss, thus to “soil” something could refer to “pissing” something, notably pants or underpants.

The noun “soil” is the brown crumbles that cover our planet and help plants grow. Many plants grow above the surface of the soil, thus soil could be referred to as “underplants”, a colloquial term that makes reference to human underpants.

If I were to say “I pissed my underplants” that would mean I’m watering my plants, but if I were to say “I soiled my underplants” I could mean I watered my plants but ALSO I added my soil to an existing mass of soil.


TLDR: Soil is dirt and to piss, underplants is soil, soil the underplants, piss the soil


I’m not sure I know what a “paradox” actually is but at least I’m contributing to the Internet and not lookin’ at it like you.

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