It’s Halloween and I should be fearing things like worms and poison, but instead I’m completely frIgHtenTend of losing my wallet, the brown bill buddy that contains my most important inanimate elements (except my jock strap, eh boys?).

On a normal day–one of those 1.5 poos, 3 meals, watch the trailer for John Candy’s Delirious again kinda days–you don’t even notice you have a wallet because it’s always there, like the prevalent hope that gravity will be dethroned as the force that dominates our physical world. Another example would be how you never stop and think that your face is technically all zits until one actually wriggles its way to the surface seeking the light of the moon.

I’ve been made more aware of my wally because last week I lost it for six hours, and in that six hours I couldn’t even think straight let alone follow through on a dare I was issued, which was to shoot a ham like a basketball into the CEO’s office toilet screaming out “PAY DAY, SON”.

Now that we’ve established today’s theme it’s time for…

Punditry

Cue music…

Cue smoke…

Cue dust…

Hey, that’s not real dust

that’s better.

What was that other stuff?

…Baby powder!

fresh. Go for pundits.

Cue Jett

Evolution has failed us when it comes to the wallet. Why have our hips not developed credit card-sized slots in which to store wallet stuff like credit card-sized credit cards, identification and vintage soup can labels?

Cue Paun

Frankly I think we’re more due to evolve socks–a homegrown human wool would be great, feathers even better. Can you imagine how much less laundry we’d have to do? Anyway, I feel the pertinent issue is that the fat cats who run big money have made keeping our wallets near or below our equators the norm. It leaves our cash and cute little notes to ourselves susceptible to thieves and fairly tall dogs. In response I’ve begun taping my wallet to my neck.

Cue Geera

Why is that our bank cards contain more computer technology than our wallets? At its core a wallet is simply the part of the cow that doesn’t taste good and yet it houses the stuff that buys the cow? Sorry, wait, not sure that’s relevant.

Back to you, Grant!