Tag Archives: santa

You can’t believe that it’s December 5th already, mainly because you were in a coma for most of November. With shaky hands and clouded vision (holdover from the coma), you take an pocket knife to the leather window on your Advent calendar to reveal:

You very own tortoise slave! A big one too. You won’t get to give it a name until you train it to bathe you, but you’re thinking something along the lines of ‘King Plomp’ after a character in the epic dream you had while comatose. 

Only 20 days left until talking to anyone but your family is considered terribly rude. 

You invite your friend Mobert over to share in the opening of the December 4 window on your Advent calendar. After readying the barf bucket, you peel back the steel-enforced cardboard to reveal:

A woman pigging out, watching a closed-circuit feed of you opening the window. You don’t close the window for fear of the universe collapsing on itself.

Only 21 more days left until we take our stockings down and put them back on the big feet of our nation’s basketball stars. For 25 days in December they have to use oven mitts.

After a lovely breakfast of spiced ivy and cranberries on rye, you excitedly peel back the “December 2” window on you calendar to reveal this one act play, already in progress:

The play is called “Rina’s Tacos”.

Only 23 more days until rich people show poor people who’s boss when it comes to putting smiles on the delicate faces of our planet’s children and well-bred pets.

You open the “December 1” window on your Advent calendar to reveal this beautiful, handmade toy:

Only 24 more days left until Santa takes his reindeer out of the pit, loads up his sleigh with Gatorade and hot dog wieners and slides down your chimney to drop off toys and use the shower.