Moving gifts

Ever since I decided to starting posting cute little articles to this website instead of my old one, I’ve received a lot of feedback. Some of it is quite positive and encouraging, including a postcard from a well-known football coach who wished me well and promised to send me his wife’s recipe for baked liquorice in time for the fifth edition of “Recipoos – Homestyle Favourites and Chunky Treats”, which I curate in support of zit prevention. Others were not so positive but I don’t want to give these people the attention they desire. Okay fine, one lady told me if I didn’t revert back to the old ways she’d ensure my feet never see another pair of shoes again.

Of course my favourite form of support is the gift. Humans have sought “gifts” ever since the aliens introduced the concept when they brought us wood. We ate it for several hundred years until we realized it works better as a material to build guitars; the ones made of mud and skunk hide fell out of tune too easily. Here are some of the wonderful things I’ve been given:

Dominic from The Eastern Ridge must be a huge fan to have remembered I HATE appetizers, as he sent me this great bracelet that lets waiters know that my body is a No Appetizers, Please Zone. I’m not exactly sure what the bear represents because bear meat is traditionally served as a dessert, but it sure is cute and makes me think of all the fangs I’ve collected over the years.

My friends Arnold, Bessie and Wet Peter from Christmas Tree, Manitoba pose around a custom fake cake they sewed together in their one bedroom closet. Each of their creations are filled with back issues of your favourite magazines and come in one of five different scents: computer fan, new plastic, dingy tarp, raspberry blossom, or burnt banana.

One of my top aunts sent this fantastic CG render of the Nazmaxx Shard we found together while on our vacation to the beach two summers back. She must have remembered how upset I got when we found that the shard, which we threw in the ocean when it started stealing our memories, neutralizes all electronic devices within fifty feet, making it impossible to photograph. Until I received the rendering, the only visual I had of the shard was what I saw of it in my nightmares, which were vivid depictions of my family falling in love with it whilst throwing old eggs at me.

At first I didn’t know what this thing was, but when I watched the accompanying DVD made by ten-year-old fan Bart, I was quite moved to learn it represents my entire career up until this point.

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