I.
Toronto and most of continental united eastern provinces are in the midst of a heat event that can only be described as “shit!”. Summer is great and all but if summer is your favourite steak that is delicious and perfectly satisfying, then this heat wave is a live cow that you have to eat whole while farmers with pockets full of antihistamine throw hay at you because they know all about your allergies. “Eat that skin, eat that spleen, then we lower your histamine” they scream in unison as the sun sets on the fourth day of the feast.
II.
The other day I contracted a sunburn because I was irresponsible while enjoying some rays from our favourite star, so the hot humid heat has been penetrating my already burnt skin like a greased weasel through an olive oil field. But fuck me, right? I should’ve been much more vigilant on creaming myself and being of Scottish descent, sunburns are as much a part of my life as not knowing how to build a car.
III.
But today I found myself with a rather nasty case of diarrhea, which when added to the mix makes me feel like I’m in actual Hell, albeit the best part of Hell where humidity, a sunburn and diarrhea isn’t so bad. But like, it’s bad for me on Earth, you follow? Maybe when you reach First Class Hell you get to choose from three different packages:
Package A
Diarrhea
Sunburn
Humidity
Package B
Sore throat
Ice room
Nude
Package C
Back ache
No bed
Heaviest toilet seat
Not exactly what I’d use a computer for, but this doctored image sort of sums things up
GLENN W. MACAULAY 