For the past few days I’ve been very sick. My belly button won’t stop running, my feet smell like hands and every time I try to “boo” something on TV it comes out as more of a “bccccc”. Thankfully I’ve got a wide network of family, friends and hobbyists who have been kind enough to take care of me through stiff times. I was almost forced to go at it along this time after I lost my phone no thanks to Rudy Stubbs and the Silver Bottle Boys. In order to inform my circle of my illness I was forced to use a beta version of my emergency broadcast system, which is simply the Bat-Signal with ketchup and mustard bottles crossed behind it. Since it seemed to have worked, I’ve passed along versions to everyone I know so that they’ll be able to contact me until my uncle smiths me a new phone.
Every time someone stopped by the hole to either bring me a nice meal or simply a few healthy breaths blown into my mouth, I made sure to snap their picture and thank them publicly. So here they are, Glenn’s Heroes 2012, where 2012 refers not the year (it’s 2013 you stupid idiots), but rather the number of worms I’ve tried to use as shoelaces this month. Why do I include such a stat? I don’t know, why does moss grow on a turtle’s ass?
I used to babysit this kid, Cory Bear, who brought over some fresh fruits from our local organic grocer, “Live Shit”. At least that’s what he told me. Two oranges in and something felt funky. I asked Cory Bear to tell the truth and he admitted that he had filled water balloons with cough syrup and ginger puree. I hugged him and requested he pay me $100 for damages, which he did without complaint.
My work friend Ooba brought over a very nice large pizza but I couldn’t eat it since it had sweat all over it. I didn’t bother asking him why because I heard his wife has been giving him a very hard time about all things underpants these days. Anyway, I was fine with sitting and watching my man take down the whole pie because that’s pretty much what I see him do every day. In fact, I don’t even really know what he does, I only see him in the lunchroom and the strange thing (besides the sound his winks make) is that every time I’m in there with him, the microwave is running.
Shit, sorry, gotta run. Someone has beckoned me. If you see me in the street make sure to ask me what my neighbour brought me. (hint – it wasn’t homework!)
GLENN W. MACAULAY 