Scary things you won’t read in the Halloween newspaper

We’re all used to the scary things that pop around Halloween time: witches and their soups, skeletons dancing like crazy, black cats sucking milk out of a ghoul’s green ta-ta, Frankensteins being sad then mean etc. etc.

There’s a whole bunch of other scary stuff that happens around Halloween that have never got the “Charlie Brown” treatment that I’d like to highlight before November takes hold and really pisses us off.



Opening a Swiss Army Knife to find all the tools are noodles

Emptying your enemy’s bike tire of air and the air that comes out is blue, making a sound like “juuuuuuuub”

Peeing so long that your chicken fingers burn and all that’s left in the fridge is a jar of old jam that won’t open.

Finding a helium balloon but there’s no one around to enjoy your funny voice saying “I’m a goblin who can’t faaart”

Using a Ouija board to find out if there’s ghosts in your house but all it does is tell you new guitar tunings that don’t even sound very good

Getting rabies right before your parents bring you back some famous sweets from their trip to London.

Finding an old deodorant in your backpack but it’s the one that smells like the soap that was always in your grandma’s bathroom

Going to the zoo only to find out they don’t serve good salads at the visitor’s centre then finding out the gorillas eat very good salads with a lettuce you’ve always wanted to try

Looking through old photos and remembering that you used to love making homemade granola bars out of picked snot.

Brewing up a fresh pot of kidney bean coffee and forgetting that you don’t have any sour cream.

Having someone tell you that you look like the child of mustard and relish.

Spending six years building a clock then having your grandkids buy you an iPad

Going to Church and counting 18 shrugs by the Priest during the sermon.

Deciding to finally write your novel then reading your daughter’s diary, which is so funny and good.

Happy Halloween, from the Master of Disaster, the Ace of Chaste, GLENNY


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