Any day now you’re going to be a new father to a brand new boy or girl, depending on the colour of sperm that made its way to the white yolk of your girlfriend. It’s been insane around the house what with building the nursery and pickling the milk needed to keep baby quiet while you try to operate a successful barber shop out of your kitchen. You put all of that out of your mind and go for a lie-down on the billiards table, Advent calendar in hand. With chalky hands you open today’s window to reveal:
Shit! Your girlfriend must have gotten into it again. She swapped whatever was in there with a decoy prize. Unfortunately, it’s your least favourite dessert: raisin log with a soy sauce/marshmallow cream. She makes it for you every full moon and you pretend to like it because if you don’t she may not let you use her car anymore. She probably thought she was doing something cute for you. Hopefully your child turns out more like you.
Only 11 days until you watch Christmas Vacation with the family, fast forwarding the part where he watches home movies in the attic.
GLENN W. MACAULAY 