You spit the last verse on the final track of your new EP, high five the engineer and grab a few clementines before heading into the lounge to clear your thoughts. After a perfect peel you devour the baby orange with the ferocity of a horn dog in a tit yard. You survey the pile of gifts left by the label and eye a fresh Advent calendar next to a bottle of auteur by Zach Braff cologne. You decide it would be unwise to open the previous days’ windows just in case Jesus and/or Santa is real and instead go straight for today. Once open you see your treasure is:
A painting of America Ferrera as Betty from Ugly Betty. You can hardly contain your excitement as you now have something to give to that supermodel you were hoping to squeeze. She had a guest spot on the show where she played a bitch who does not respect Betty.
Only 8 days until your childhood grudge against walnuts is again debated with your family who claim it wasn’t walnuts but rather pecans. You spend much of Christmas Day looking through your parents’ basement for the photo of you flushing walnuts down the toilet to prove it once and for all.
GLENN W. MACAULAY 