The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug is number two of three in The Hobbit movie trilogy based on the popular book by Junior Tolkien.
This baby starts off pretty strong with about fifteen different creatures in the first fifteen minutes alone! You’d think Jack Hanna directed it, but it was actually Peter Jackson, a New Zealander who lost weight a few years back.
After a short stay at this big bear’s house the team is back on the trail, heading for the mountain filled with treasure and slept on by a very cocky British dragon. This ain’t no trip to grandma’s house though, as the band of little tough guys once again have to deal with a lot of shit along the way. Middle Earth is supposed to be a relatively sick place to live, but jeez, is every forest in the country totally fucked? The forest in this movie drives our boys mental and is filled with giant spider-sized spiders who eat meat, not bugs. If this wasn’t bad enough, Bilbo and company are once again relentlessly pursued by Metal Blade Records stalwarts GWAR, who die so easily you wonder if their skin is made of parchment paper.
Oderus Urungus, Flattus Maximus and Jizmac Da Gusha of GWAR
The Hobbits also encounter the elves of the forest, made up of Orlando Bloom and another fairly pretty guy who looks like he won’t let anyone else use his bathroom. There’s also a new girl elf who falls in love with the cutest and tallest dwarf, which is totally stupid. What’s next, a snake and a Bible going on a date?
You can expect big time action and lots of scenes of good guys falling into pits and hanging onto ropes. Surprisingly there isn’t much eating in this one save the opening scene where the main dwarf (and second hottest) takes a pretty good bite out of a chunk of brown bread.
It all culminates at this piece of shit human city called Lake Town, a place people call “home” even though there’s no food anywhere and everyone is miserable. They must have a top shelf rugby club or something.
If you can’t afford to see The Hobbit 2 because you spent all your money on the year’s best fast food combos, here’s how the movie goes:
Establish with sweeping crane shot through stone gates and trees –> Dwarves and Hobbit walk around –> They get captured –> Action Beat escape scene –> Scene between two characters talking seriously about things we already know because we’ve seen Lord of the Rings. Repeat.
I didn’t like this movie as much as the first Hobbit, but I had a cold when I saw this one so maybe that’s why. I give it two human thumbs in a mincemeat pie. Happy Christmas!
Oh, and Gandalf fights a cloud of ink while making a poo face.
Find my review of the first Hobbit film here.
GLENN W. MACAULAY 