BIRTHDAY ULTRA MULTI-PAK
For premium and non-premium members, not geo-locked
Today, April 8th, is my 32nd birthday, and since I believe in fairness, I wanted to make sure that I’m not the only one getting a butt load of gifts. Please enjoy this free Mutil-Pak normally reserved for Platinum Members and high ranking employees of major retail chains (gotta grease the wheels, you know?) Platinum Members and employees of Mark’s Work Warehouse, don’t worry, you’ll each be receiving a gift via post. Do not open the package if it starts humming. You’ll have to submerge it in rubbing alcohol, THEN open it unless you’re cool with not having a forehead anymore. Enjoy, I’ll be in the shower washing the cake out of my ears.
BIRTHDAY POEM
Fuck you man, it’s birthday day
A time to laugh and shit and play
Folks greet with treats and smiles
Presents line up for miles and miles
Someone buy my lunch
Someone buy my shoes
Someone give me hugs
Someone give me good news
The news is always good on birthday day
Unless someone dies by laser ray
Oh wait, that’s cool no matter what
I’d rather that than tumors in my butt
homemade Birthday MEME garden
Who shares my birthday and what, cosmically speaking, does it mean?
No surprise here, four blonde bombers and two rugged hunks – myself and Tay.
I also share my birthday with Biz Markie, the premiere of Twin Peaks, the day they found Kurt Cobain’s pizza-encrusted corpse and the release of The Offspring’s Smash. If you were to mash these thingies up into a fine paste you’d get something that resembles early Limp Bizkit, featuring my father, Fred Durst. The cosmos have spoken!
Birthday HOROSCOPE as told by the seer that served me wings last night:
Man, I think you’re like, probably 30 or so, I don’t know, but you got some grey hair but your eyes would be good to use in photoshop for like, any project. You dress like a dad on a sitcom except your clothes have logos and like, I think you should maybe start wearing fuckin hush puppies or whatever, your shoes are fuckin pure hobby. You’ll be okay though, you don’t have zits and you’re not fat yet bro. You still play video games? What’s your gamer tag I can tell a lot about someone from their fuckin tag. I saw George Wendt online once, profile fuckin screamed “I don’t get it, but I’m trying anyway”. Funny fuckin guy though, fuckin smoked him at COD but fuck, I’m 21 and I get wasted by 11 year olds all the fuckin time. If there was a war right now, no joke, i’d fuckin tell STephen Harper to hire those little fuckers cuz they got aim.
GLENN W. MACAULAY 