Tag Archives: birthday

34th birthday

It’s my birthday today, and unless I get unlimited attention I’ll fall into a temporary depression that could severely effect the light and funky tone of my emails.

I don’t ask you for much so please don’t sneer at the following list of demands I have of you on my special day. I would recommend someone start up a Google doc that tracks who’s doing what because I don’t want any repeats. Last year’s request of “peace and quiet” got so out of hand that someone melted my CDs, and every dog in my neighbourhood got killed.

Forward me my horoscope

"How do you spell 'bodacious' again?"

“How do you spell ‘bodacious’ again?”

In my 34 years I’ve never read a horoscope that has influenced me negatively enough to quit my job or take one of those online courses on how to kiss properly. I know they’re not written by real magicians but that doesn’t stop me from interpreting each as a message from a plane of existence that knows way more about me than the shower head I use as a microphone for the fake podcast I do in my shower every morning.

For some reason birthdays are to horoscopes as bras full of chocolate coins are to birthdays, so please make my day special by forwarding me as many as you can find. I’m an Aries, and if there’s anything us rams love more than chewing our cud after scarfing some gnarly grass, it’s light existentialism.

Get personal

"New paragraph.

“After you’re done writing my will you can wash my hair”

Gifts are great but I got enough possessions to create another Glenn and give him a pretty decent head start in life. I’d prefer you tell me how much I mean to you, not because I’m a narcissist but because I could use the tears. I used to expel as much energy trying not to cry as I did giving up the hope that karate would come to me naturally. But now life has beaten me down so hard that a chance to shed a few is as rare as popping a surprise boner that would help remind me that life is still full of possibilities.

Ask me anything

"So Nick, tell me, have you ever drowned a goose?"

“So Nick, tell me, have you ever drowned a goose?”

By now I’ve had enough life experience that I know quite a lot, from how to sear a steak, to how to sear a skin-on chicken breast. By asking me questions you gain access to my impressive vault of knowledge, and I get to pretend you’re interviewing my for BIG GUYS magazine’s Steers Of The Year issue.

As per the previous request, I highly encourage you to ask personal questions because people take you more seriously when they think you’re nuts. For example, did you know I had a special Swiss Army knife made that has a popsicle stick with my favourite quote from Pulp Fiction burned into it, instead of the little saw?

Put yourself in my shoes for once

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Just because I’m known as a positive smiler doesn’t mean I was born with bubblegum in my brain. My general mission is to make those around me as comfortable as possible all the time, which can get exhausting and probably explains why I’m such a demon during downtime (I yell at books if they’re not scary enough). Maybe if you felt pure Glenn coursing through your veins you’d hesitate before asking me to stay up really late.

The only way to truly become me would be through a very costly blood transfusion or VR avatar, so we’d best rely on the budget version which is to hang out and play truth or dare.

See you on the playground!

glenn

33rd birthday

Turning 33 isn’t a big milestone unless you’re a pagan priest, and since I denounced my oaths three years ago after my congregation tried to turn me into a crow, I don’t have much to celebrate today. Do you? Here’s a gift:

Last year I brought you the wildly entertaining Birthday Ultra Multi-Pak and this year I thought I’d simplify by providing some highlights of my life so far. Happy birthday to me and to everyone celebrating a birthday this year. Keep your tongue moist and your belly button open and ready, it’s 2015!

Cute Little Baby Sleep On Fathers Hand HD Wallpaper-1024x768-cutelittlebabies

  • Cried when I realized I wasn’t a dolphin

  • Laughed at a lot of stupid, banal stuff like my dad scratching his arm

  • Made my older sister question her existence

  • Gave extended family something to compare their own sons to

emo-teenager copy

  • Cried when I realized I wasn’t good at skateboarding

  • Added a new bodily fluid to my repertoire and I’m not talkin’ snot

  • Saw Pulp Fiction

  • Got a wallet

Mothers-Age-at-Menopause-e1353204724902 copy

  • Cried when I realized people are better than me

  • Asked for bowls for my birthday

  • Didn’t get chills at the sight of my Christmas stocking

  • Started chewing gum for fresh breath instead of for the look

Bonus: what I’ve learned in 33 years

Always trust someone with the same shoes as you

Never travel without a few extra jars in your pack

When kissing, lead with your teeth

Don’t call anyone a “freak” unless they speak another language

The Complete Liar’s Guide to Birthdays

The first entry in a new series called “The Liar’s Guide” is all about birthdays because everyone’s got one and because my birthday is coming up. Lying, sorry, but in a feature like this there’s bound to be a few. Lying. There’s only one lie, the one about the birthday. Lying. There are two lies now because I lied about the original lie. Lying. There are about three lies now but that would negate lie #2 so… uh… this is a great example of getting caught in what’s called a “web of lies”. I’m a great liar and my lies are web-free, leaving no feelings hurt and no need to back lies up with more lies or a phone call to your dad saying “if anyone asks, my middle name is Fuvv”.

The Liar’s Guide to… Birthdays

What to say when you receive a crummy gift

Photo Pillow case 1

“I’m sure I can turn this into a bra somehow”

“This looks tasty, I’m going to eat it”

“I’m not disappointed, but the charity I’m donating it to will be”

“Trick or treat, smell me Pete, do I smell like the kind of guy who would needs another copy of Rushmore? Ha, relax man, I’m kidding, I’ll use this one as prop in my next skit”


What to say when you don’t want to go to someone’s birthday party because you don’t like them or it sounds boring

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“Sorry, I only celebrate Christmas Eve.”

“If there’s a religion out there that doesn’t celebrate birthdays, that’s terrible, and I’m leaving right now to find them and take them down. So yeah, gonna have to miss your party.”

“I’m taking this drug that makes my ears drool if I so much as smell a cake.”

“Sorry, I have a haircut booked that day and if I cancel it I won’t be able to fit my Bart Simpson wig on the next day.”

“I poo a lot.”

“I gotta work that night and there’s no way I can switch shifts because I’m the only person who knows how to solve the onions.”

“Is it alright if I bring my sick rat?”

“I’ll come but the crew will have to come too. They’re filming a documentary about me and how I shed when I’m around other people.”


What to say when someone asks how old you are and you’re embarrassed to admit it

BP-Man-Woman

“It’s the 10th anniversary of my 20th birthday.”

“I’m sorry, you’ll have to ask my doctor that question.”

“Humans don’t have an expiry date, man”

“Dude, I got three email accounts, how old do you think I am?”

“In dog years I’m a Shetland Sheepdog”

“Why don’t you saw my arm off and count the rings?”

“Well, I’m still pretty wiggly”

“I don’t want to compromise my mission. Hey, buy a spy some fries, would you?”


How to react when the waiters sing a birthday song to you at a restaurant and you hate it

singing-happy-birthday

Simply barf


What to say to someone who forgets it’s your birthday when all you want to say is “I’m want to rip your fuckin’ eyes out”

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“It’s fine, for a few weeks I thought Remembrance Day was in a month called ‘Newvembo’.”

“Kidding, my birthday isn’t for another 15 months.”

“No problem, why don’t we go to The Bay and I can pick something out for myself that you can pay for.”

“I expect you to be at my door Christmas morning with a ham and some diamonds.”

“I guarantee Jeremy Jackson forgets David Charvet’s birthday and they can’t even afford presents for each other.”

 

32nd birthday

BIRTHDAY ULTRA MULTI-PAK
For premium and non-premium members, not geo-locked

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Today, April 8th, is my 32nd birthday, and since I believe in fairness, I wanted to make sure that I’m not the only one getting a butt load of gifts. Please enjoy this free Mutil-Pak normally reserved for Platinum Members and high ranking employees of major retail chains (gotta grease the wheels, you know?) Platinum Members and employees of Mark’s Work Warehouse, don’t worry, you’ll each be receiving a gift via post. Do not open the package if it starts humming. You’ll have to submerge it in rubbing alcohol, THEN open it unless you’re cool with not having a forehead anymore. Enjoy, I’ll be in the shower washing the cake out of my ears.

BIRTHDAY POEM

Fuck you man, it’s birthday day
A time to laugh and shit and play
Folks greet with treats and smiles
Presents line up for miles and miles

Someone buy my lunch
Someone buy my shoes
Someone give me hugs
Someone give me good news

The news is always good on birthday day
Unless someone dies by laser ray
Oh wait, that’s cool no matter what
I’d rather that than tumors in my butt

homemade Birthday MEME garden

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7zzgg

Who shares my birthday and what, cosmically speaking, does it mean?

birthday

No surprise here, four blonde bombers and two rugged hunks – myself and Tay.

I also share my birthday with Biz Markie, the premiere of Twin Peaks, the day they found Kurt Cobain’s pizza-encrusted corpse and the release of The Offspring’s Smash. If you were to mash these thingies up into a fine paste you’d get something that resembles early Limp Bizkit, featuring my father, Fred Durst. The cosmos have spoken!

Birthday HOROSCOPE as told by the seer that served me wings last night:

Man, I think you’re like, probably 30 or so, I don’t know, but you got some grey hair but your eyes would be good to use in photoshop for like, any project. You dress like a dad on a sitcom except your clothes have logos and like, I think you should maybe start wearing fuckin hush puppies or whatever, your shoes are fuckin pure hobby. You’ll be okay though, you don’t have zits and you’re not fat yet bro. You still play video games? What’s your gamer tag I can tell a lot about someone from their fuckin tag. I saw George Wendt online once, profile fuckin screamed “I don’t get it, but I’m trying anyway”. Funny fuckin guy though, fuckin smoked him at COD but fuck, I’m 21 and I get wasted by 11 year olds all the fuckin time. If there was a war right now, no joke, i’d fuckin tell STephen Harper to hire those little fuckers cuz they got aim.