33rd birthday

Turning 33 isn’t a big milestone unless you’re a pagan priest, and since I denounced my oaths three years ago after my congregation tried to turn me into a crow, I don’t have much to celebrate today. Do you? Here’s a gift:

Last year I brought you the wildly entertaining Birthday Ultra Multi-Pak and this year I thought I’d simplify by providing some highlights of my life so far. Happy birthday to me and to everyone celebrating a birthday this year. Keep your tongue moist and your belly button open and ready, it’s 2015!

• Cried when I realized I wasn’t a dolphin

• Laughed at a lot of stupid, banal stuff like my dad scratching his arm

• Made my older sister question her existence

• Gave extended family something to compare their own sons to

• Cried when I realized I wasn’t good at skateboarding

• Added a new bodily fluid to my repertoire and I’m not talkin’ snot

• Saw Pulp Fiction

• Got a wallet

• Cried when I realized people are better than me

• Asked for bowls for my birthday

• Didn’t get chills at the sight of my Christmas stocking

• Started chewing gum for fresh breath instead of for the look

Bonus: what I’ve learned in 33 years

Always trust someone with the same shoes as you

Never travel without a few extra jars in your pack

When kissing, lead with your teeth

Don’t call anyone a “freak” unless they speak another language