Turning 33 isn’t a big milestone unless you’re a pagan priest, and since I denounced my oaths three years ago after my congregation tried to turn me into a crow, I don’t have much to celebrate today. Do you? Here’s a gift:
Last year I brought you the wildly entertaining Birthday Ultra Multi-Pak and this year I thought I’d simplify by providing some highlights of my life so far. Happy birthday to me and to everyone celebrating a birthday this year. Keep your tongue moist and your belly button open and ready, it’s 2015!
-
Cried when I realized I wasn’t a dolphin
-
Laughed at a lot of stupid, banal stuff like my dad scratching his arm
-
Made my older sister question her existence
-
Gave extended family something to compare their own sons to
-
Cried when I realized I wasn’t good at skateboarding
-
Added a new bodily fluid to my repertoire and I’m not talkin’ snot
-
Saw Pulp Fiction
-
Got a wallet
-
Cried when I realized people are better than me
-
Asked for bowls for my birthday
-
Didn’t get chills at the sight of my Christmas stocking
-
Started chewing gum for fresh breath instead of for the look