Turning 33 isn’t a big milestone unless you’re a pagan priest, and since I denounced my oaths three years ago after my congregation tried to turn me into a crow, I don’t have much to celebrate today. Do you? Here’s a gift:
Last year I brought you the wildly entertaining Birthday Ultra Multi-Pak and this year I thought I’d simplify by providing some highlights of my life so far. Happy birthday to me and to everyone celebrating a birthday this year. Keep your tongue moist and your belly button open and ready, it’s 2015!
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Cried when I realized I wasn’t a dolphin
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Laughed at a lot of stupid, banal stuff like my dad scratching his arm
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Made my older sister question her existence
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Gave extended family something to compare their own sons to
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Cried when I realized I wasn’t good at skateboarding
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Added a new bodily fluid to my repertoire and I’m not talkin’ snot
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Saw Pulp Fiction
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Got a wallet
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Cried when I realized people are better than me
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Asked for bowls for my birthday
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Didn’t get chills at the sight of my Christmas stocking
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Started chewing gum for fresh breath instead of for the look
Bonus: what I’ve learned in 33 years
Always trust someone with the same shoes as you
Never travel without a few extra jars in your pack
When kissing, lead with your teeth
Don’t call anyone a “freak” unless they speak another language
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