The first entry in a new series called “The Liar’s Guide” is all about birthdays because everyone’s got one and because my birthday is coming up. Lying, sorry, but in a feature like this there’s bound to be a few. Lying. There’s only one lie, the one about the birthday. Lying. There are two lies now because I lied about the original lie. Lying. There are about three lies now but that would negate lie #2 so… uh… this is a great example of getting caught in what’s called a “web of lies”. I’m a great liar and my lies are web-free, leaving no feelings hurt and no need to back lies up with more lies or a phone call to your dad saying “if anyone asks, my middle name is Fuvv”.
The Liar’s Guide to… Birthdays
What to say when you receive a crummy gift
“I’m sure I can turn this into a bra somehow”
“This looks tasty, I’m going to eat it”
“I’m not disappointed, but the charity I’m donating it to will be”
“Trick or treat, smell me Pete, do I smell like the kind of guy who would needs another copy of Rushmore? Ha, relax man, I’m kidding, I’ll use this one as prop in my next skit”
What to say when you don’t want to go to someone’s birthday party because you don’t like them or it sounds boring
“Sorry, I only celebrate Christmas Eve.”
“If there’s a religion out there that doesn’t celebrate birthdays, that’s terrible, and I’m leaving right now to find them and take them down. So yeah, gonna have to miss your party.”
“I’m taking this drug that makes my ears drool if I so much as smell a cake.”
“Sorry, I have a haircut booked that day and if I cancel it I won’t be able to fit my Bart Simpson wig on the next day.”
“I poo a lot.”
“I gotta work that night and there’s no way I can switch shifts because I’m the only person who knows how to solve the onions.”
“Is it alright if I bring my sick rat?”
“I’ll come but the crew will have to come too. They’re filming a documentary about me and how I shed when I’m around other people.”
What to say when someone asks how old you are and you’re embarrassed to admit it
“It’s the 10th anniversary of my 20th birthday.”
“I’m sorry, you’ll have to ask my doctor that question.”
“Humans don’t have an expiry date, man”
“Dude, I got three email accounts, how old do you think I am?”
“In dog years I’m a Shetland Sheepdog”
“Why don’t you saw my arm off and count the rings?”
“Well, I’m still pretty wiggly”
“I don’t want to compromise my mission. Hey, buy a spy some fries, would you?”
How to react when the waiters sing a birthday song to you at a restaurant and you hate it
Simply barf
What to say to someone who forgets it’s your birthday when all you want to say is “I’m want to rip your fuckin’ eyes out”
“It’s fine, for a few weeks I thought Remembrance Day was in a month called ‘Newvembo’.”
“Kidding, my birthday isn’t for another 15 months.”
“No problem, why don’t we go to The Bay and I can pick something out for myself that you can pay for.”
“I expect you to be at my door Christmas morning with a ham and some diamonds.”
“I guarantee Jeremy Jackson forgets David Charvet’s birthday and they can’t even afford presents for each other.”
GLENN W. MACAULAY 