Thanks for sitting in on this week’s ESL Lesson. There’s coffee and oatmeal thins at the back table. We’re wrapping up our unit on punctuation and today I’ll be showing the class how to use some of the more popular symbols. Our students are Ooba, Ponan, Jzererbov “Tommy” McKenzie, Stripes, Kerry and LoLoLoSo. Class, please introduce yourself to our guests utilizing last week’s lesson on common English slang:
Ooba: “Let’s be slaves together, dude”
Ponan: “Fuck on, what’s the life of yours?”
Tommy: “Right on, this man has everything”
Stripes: “What’s up, can we touch then laugh?”
Kerry: “I’ll have what you are having but more salt, please, excellent.”
LoLoLoSo: “This is no wig homie, can I have your smile?”
Yikes, better tighten up before the exam gang, I’m not joking.
Punctuation — Final Lesson
colon
The colon is used when you need to say more after saying–or implying–that you’re going to say more. A “colon” is also the part of the body that determines the consistency of your poo.
Usage:
I used it up above. This isn’t an example sentence I’m actually telling you that I used it right before this paragraph. Shit, Kerry, read the part on paragraphs I don’t want to explain it again. Ooba, go easy on the coffee, I don’t want to have to call your son again.
Jip found some treasures in his uncle’s attic: lettuce, flags, binders full of graph paper and a creature who screamed.
I love all my neighbours except for Wintom: he cooks hair stew every night before bed and the smell wafts into my studio while I churn.
Exclamation Point
The exclamation point is the fuckin party animal of puncuation and is used to show readers that you mean fuckin business.
Usage:
Holy shit!
I lost my fuckin talisman!
I’m going to fucking kill if you don’t stop watching me pray!
Period
Periods are used to stop sentences. A “period” is also a measurement of time and a slang term for the time of month when un-pregnant women are physically reminded by the universe that they damn well should be pregnant.
Usage:
Stop this sentence now or I’ll eat your dog.
Don’t tickle my scab.
I sat on a dartboard yesterday and I felt like a dart.
Question Mark
Question marks are used to make your reader change the way she or he reads a sentence by adding an inflection that sounds like this:
Usage:
May I trade you my weasel for your jewels?
Are you grumpy because I peed in your canoe?
Was this cauldron really owned by Rhea Perlman?
Semicolon
A semicolon is used to give sparkle to any sentence, or something along those lines.
Usage:
Some people like their meat cooked and brown; others like it sewn together to look like an inside-out cow.
The theatre I work at doesn’t have toilets; we poo in an old projector.
When I go surfing I always bring extra rats to drown; rats hate surfing.
Thanks for sitting in and be sure to grab a pamphlet regarding my class on Advanced Burping on your way out!
GLENN W. MACAULAY 