Tag Archives: football

The NFL’s most questionable suspensions

In the wake of Tom Brady’s suspension over bad footballs, we take a look back at some of the National Football League’s most memorable acts of discipline:


Don Beebe: 3 games and a$5,000 fine for scrawling “Don’s Room KEEP OUT” on the inside of his locker


Flipper Anderson: 1 game for promoting AM radio on FM radio


Brian Bosworth: 5 games for drawing eyes on his shoelaces and making them look like little snakes.


Mark Brunell: 2 games and a $2300 fine for changing all the clocks in the locker room behind an hour so he’d have enough time to buy a “sorry I tried on your wedding dress” cake for his wife.

Mark Duper: 1 playoff game for signing an endorsement deal with Iams using the blood of his neighbour’s cat


Kordell Stewart: 7 games for clicking a pen while his son watched E.T. after Kordell got upset that he wasn’t able to watch a circus documentary he had heard about.


Joe Thiesmann: 3 games for leading off a pre-game prayer with “God, I know you’re busy trying to find me a Scottish version of Fran Drescher, but…”

Charles Woodson: 5 games for pickling his mouth guard in a brine that didn’t include mustard seed.


Ronnie Lott: 1 game for building a nest in the weight room using unauthorized yarn.

Brett Favre: 4 games for taking grass from Solider Field and sprinkling it on his voodoo field at home


Josh Brown: 9 games for designing his autograph so that if flipped upside down, it spells out “I’M NOT DUMB YOU ARE”


Dwayne Bowe: 5 games for not seeking league permission in licensing his line of headphones that look like protective cups.


World Cup fever… and why you should ignore it

Balls have been inflated and fields of dog hair have been dyed a beautiful grass green — the three hundredth edition of the World Cup of football has begun! As expected, the world is watching, cheering on their nations while wishing illness and death to opponents. It’s a truly global event fuelled by patriotism and sportsmanship while shining a light on the giant butts of host country Brazil.

But as the world celebrates, I will not be. I will be ignoring the frenzied event and it may not be for reasons you’d expect.

Much has been made of the disparity between Brazil’s rich and poor and how an event like the World Cup does its best to ignore such enormous issues. I don’t really care about that though, I mean, what country doesn’t have a sprinkle of poor and a dash of rich? Why should one fella having a few more bars of gold than his neighbour/slave ruin my enjoyment of the “beautiful game”? Besides, the tournament should only help to influence poor Brazilian youth to stop going to school to concentrate on football, the only high-paying job they’re likely to get unless they’re willing to sell their genitals to those who collect such things. And do the rich not deserve an event of this magnitude? Would you rather they spend their silver on fresh juices squeezed from the rain forest or betting on dolphin battles?

A football coach rightfully screams at a poor boy for trying to watch his expensive practice

A football coach rightfully screams at a poor boy for trying to watch his expensive practice

There’s also been heated discussion on the unethical behaviour of international football’s governing body, FIFA. To me, the controversy has been severely overblown. It’s not like it’s easy babysitting hundreds of severely stupid and entitled athletes whose education is limited to what they saw in their periphery while gazing out the school window at the apple trees that reminded them of little red footballs and/or the round breasts of soccer’s horniest female fans. In my world you let a babysitter run the house as they see fit, especially when the children are spoiled monsters. Also, I wouldn’t want to work for a boss who isn’t afraid to engage in a bit of corruption if it means a stronger bottom line and a corporate culture that screams “don’t fuck with us”. If Steve Jobs had’ve been a tea sippin’ hand-shaker rather than the hot-headed fuck face he was, would we be tappin’ on emails from grandma on a screen no thicker than the gills of a freshwater trout? Not likely.

Football without FIFA

Football without FIFA

I can handle the exploitation of the poor and ridiculously corrupt politics and you should too unless you’re a whiny idiot with too many granola bars stuffed into the pocket of your Microsoft Surface tablet case.

I just don’t know enough about football and think hockey is better. It’s just kinda boring, you know? My country isn’t participating nor is the country of my ancestors. What do you expect me to do, cheer for damn Uruguay? I haven’t even tried Uraguayan food. You agree, right? You’ll ignore the final match and come to my DJ set and BBQ bash that I booked last year before I realized there’s a World Cup, eh? Don’t be stupid, it’s a five dollar cover and that includes corn chips and obviously the hottest dance patio around. Bring this flyer and get a free glass of plum wine and a satin oven mitt from Basil’s Bitch Water:

party flyer