*Don’t read this if you haven’t seen it yet and think that it will be good*
Intro
Godzilla the lizard was first invented by Japanese men or women to represent nuclear weapons, which had previously fucked up chunks of the country during the old fashioned wars of old. The use of nukes isn’t as common today so it wouldn’t make sense for a new Godzilla to be a “bomb dude”. At first I thought that maybe this version of God is all about sports and how we cheer for monsters who need drugs to keep moving. Remember the drug in RoboCop 2 called “nuke”? In this movie, monsters eat radiation to stay alive–coincidence? I don’t know. Then I thought, maybe today’s God represents politicians whom we trust even though they destroy our cities by being rich or whatever. Then I thought that maybe Godzilla is simply the lord God, a guy we trust but can’t control. I looked up some quotes about Earth’s God and they fit so well with the film’s God that I felt like Robert Langdon solving one of Jesus’ trickiest puzzles.
Godzilla
“God(zilla) is, even though the whole world deny him. Truth stands, even if there be no public support. It is self-sustained.”
– Mahatma Gandhi
The start of Godzilla is all about no one knowing there’s a Godzilla. Bryan Cranston of Breaking Bad and Seinfeld plays a dad who knows there’s something wrong in the Japanese ocean, but doesn’t know it’s Godzilla or these other two monsters who aren’t in the previews. If you’re looking for an actor who can convincingly bawl uncontrollably, this is the guy you call, and the Cranberry got in about three good ones before he unfortunately leaves the movie about half an hour in. Luckily, before he leaves Ken Watanabe is introduced as a guy who knows there’s a Godzilla but didn’t know about the other monsters. No one wants to believe either men, but believe me, in this movie there is a Godzilla.
“The blame is his who chooses: God(zilla) is blameless.”
– Plato
So anyway, Godzilla and a couple of large horny bugs start destroying Earth looking for radiation, and the only people who can stop them are the U.S.A. army, who in this movie is made up of about 500 troops, two tanks, six fighter jets and fifteen or so air craft carriers. The rest of the world’s armies don’t make an appearance even though the biggest thing to happen in history happens, but hey, there ain’t no lizard squattin’ on their toilets, eh?
Cranston’s son, played by that snotty fucker from Kickass, Aaron Taylor-Johnson, is an army bomb expert who cares more about showing off he knows about bombs than protecting his son and wife, whom he ditches quite early on. Most of the movie is Johnson running around various army camps looking for his wife and guys saying “nope, haven’t seen her”. Too bad for him that his wife and son live in San Francisco, which the monsters decide to destroy in the classic movie tradition of destroying San Francisco (Star Trek 2, Pacific Rim, X-Men 3, The Towering Inferno, Big Trouble In Little China and Mrs. Doubtfire). I guess every director in Hollywood is from San Diego.
“Sir, my concern is not whether God(zilla) is on our side; my greatest concern is to be on God(zilla)’s side, for God(zilla) is always right.”
– Abraham Lincoln
I know it’s stupid to point out stupid things in a movie about a monster bigger than the CN Tower, but some of this shit was too hard to ignore mostly because God doesn’t even fight until the very end. For example, Cranston’s bomb son travels from Iraq to San Francisco to Japan to Hawaii to Las Vegas to San Francisco in a span of like, 2 days and still manages to find time to save an Asian boy, jump off a bridge, jump out of a plane, blow up a monster nest and drive a boat before meeting up with the son we all forgot he had and the mother who ditched the son early on to find the dad. The movie could’ve been called The Parent Trap 3 and we wouldn’t have cared.
Godzilla looked pretty great onscreen, at least when you could see him through clouds and dirt, but his foes looked like the creatures of our children’s video games. All of their roars were on trend.
“Never trust anyone completely but God(zilla). Love people, but put your full trust only in God(zilla).”
– Lawrence Welk
Even though Godzilla isn’t supposed to be the monster version of a bomb, most of this movie is about bombs. In the end, the bomb expert couldn’t get this case off a bomb so they instead rely on Godzilla to eat the other monsters and then hopefully fuck off. I guess maybe he is supposed to represent a bomb.
Usually with these reviews I like the movie but put on a fake attitude about how dumb it was. This one was hard because I actually thought it was dumb. Everything you think would be good in this movie isn’t really in it including the top billed actors and Godzilla.
I saw Godzilla in 3D but I’d give this movie 1D and a “tighten the next one up, boys”. Before it I ate a burger and fries and didn’t have to get up once. The guy seated in front of me maintained maximum recline the whole film leading my long legs to feel slightly uncomfortable. I didn’t check my watch once but that was probably because I was wearing the one without the light.
GLENN W. MACAULAY 
So which nuke eating monster was the male and which was the female? Was that an egg sac or a ball sac?
The one with the wings was the male, and the wings were also it’s dicks
They show a 5 megaton H-bomb test (“Shot Bravo”, Bikini Atoll)that “wasn’t a test, we were trying to kill it” and later say their bomb will kill the monsters because it is “bigger”,.. but a sightseeing boat (10kts maybe?) drives that bomb out to sea for like 2 minutes and when it blows up there’s this tiny mushroom cloud in the distance. Bigger? Bravo at Bikini would have vaporized half of SF from that close.