Last minute gift ideas

Yeah right! You should be done by now. Why should I help you? The whole point of a gift is to thoughtfully acknowledge one’s existence by providing them with a material item or experience relevant to their interests, hopes or dreams. I shouldn’t have even had to explain that, you idiot. Since you’ve once again neglected to come up with your own gift ideas, I’m going to help the people who have to put up with you.

Hey friends of last minute shopping buttholes, when faced with someone looking for last minute gift tips, retort with one of more of the following smart-ass quips:

“Who doesn’t love nutrients?”

“Give them the gift of life”

“Last year’s calendar had some really cute Wednesdays”

“Feel free to grind up parts of my Christmas tree. It will sort of look like weed, man”

“Does she like lingerie? It’s easy to make your own out of J-Cloths”

“A can of soup can easily double as fake vomit”

“A single cigarette may start a love affair that will last a lifetime”

“Two words — onions”

“Give her a new name. I thought of a good one — Bist”

“I always go with something authentic from planet Earth”

“Sticks and stones may break my bones but gravel is all over the place and is free”

“Make some ice and pretend it’s a beautiful crystal. Then get the hell out of there”

Above all, Christmas is about roast birds and shiny balls hanging from a fat, sappy tree so don’t sweat the gifts too much. HA. Not true. Christmas is 90% gifts, 10% visits.

If you’re currently hiding in your closet to avoid Uncle Stewart’s famous penis noogies, enjoy this collection of past holiday writings courtesy of this website and the man who tried to make it look good.

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