GLENN W. MACAULAY

Big news! No, I didn’t get braces, but this announcement will provide me enough dough to not only brace my teeth, but the teeth of all my friends as well.

I’ve been cast in the title role of a new major Canadian motion picture called Fellow Canadian, shot entirely in stunning 2-D colour!!! It’s a spy-action-thriller-half-cartoon-epic-about2hourslong about a superhero from Ajax, Ontario. Here’s an early sketch of Fellow:He’s kind of like James Bond mixed with Ron James. I think I’m going to base my performance on Justin Guarini’s memorable run on the first season of American Idol.

The film isn’t due for release until 2014 due to the fact that I need to gain 200 pounds and learn how to captain an aircraft carrier, but in the meantime, enjoy these social media treats:

Website – http://www.FellowCanadianFilmWebsiteWhoIsFellowCanadian?.Pepsi.Pepsi_Rewards.com

Twitter – @FellFellCanCan

Tumblr – ThingsWrappedInFlags.tumblr.com

Here’s a summer poem that I wrote last summer, posted on my blog, performed live then posted again on my blog yesterday. This baby has more mileage than Forrest Gump, except that idiot ran around for no reason while this poem aims to promote everything from world peace to air conditioners. Mostly it’s about gender equality and wildlife preservation, but hey, I don’t want to guide you here, reading poetry is about discovering oneself and then finding a sick beat to bring it all together. The rap version of this particular poem samples “Dare to be Stupid” by Weird Al with additional drums from the score of “Radio Flyer”.

The Weather this summer

Holy shit it’s been hot
Imagine you were a bear?

Those guys have body beards
And sweat their fair share

Hairy men suffer too
But enough with the gents

Are tits like insulators?
Are vaginas like vents?

Maybe women are like camels
Their humps keep them icy

But hot milk goes sour
Does heat make tits smell not nicey?

Picture a bear with big tits
she’d be in summer hell

Full circle poem huh?
Hot, bear, tits, milk, camels

This one is all wrapped up
So feel the damn heat

And men just remember boys
Chill out your wife’s teats

When Bin Laden got the old “heave ho” from Uncle Sam and the Gun Dudes, I was relieved, and also optimistic that the world would change for the better. But it was the kind of hope you get when your stomach hurts and when you sit down for a toilet session you’re hoping for a in and out solid-logger when in the back of your butt you know it’s going to be chocolate waterfall.

Imagine my surprise then, when after 10 years, the good folks down at Piggy’s Crumpets re-opened their factory doors to the public! I hear the Baron is going to release the much anticipated “Whole Wheat” crumpet during the exclusive first-look tour in July. Even though I didn’t find a Golden Pencil in one of their multi-packs and thus won’t be attending the tour, I’m excited that a new generation of lucky children will be able to experience the wonder of the Piggy’s factory in downtown Poland. If I hadn’t been on one of these tours way back in ’96 I would’ve never learned how to barf through my nose.

It’s been just over a month since I reminded the world that I was born on April 8th. Where the hell have I been? More like, Where the hell have I BIN?!

I had the pleasure of acting as wig master for the Navy Seals Six team that took down Osama “The Afghan Pug” Bin Laden. Such a dangerous, covert operation takes several hours and thousands of wigs to pull off. If a blonde man were to step foot within 50 feet of Bin Laden’s compound he would’ve been identified as “American: As Apple Pie” by Bin Laden’s Reptile Guards quicker than you can microwave a pussy willow.

Anyway, glad I was a part of it. Here’s a rare pic of the team in full disguise just before eating their last spaghetti meal before the big kill. Special shout out to the makeup team — Bick Dickle, Ryan Circles and the lovely Ms. Legs.

It’s the 10th anniversary of my 19th birthday. I’ll raise a glass of soup to that!

I got a lucrative gig designing a new line of souvenir shirts for wildly popular restaurant chain “Bubba Gump Shrimp Co.”, a restaurant based on a movie about a lucky idiot. The following will be available in Bubba Gump giftshops and selected Sunoco Gas Bars this June.

Whether you’re big, small, a restaurant or a mall, you gotta love the Internet and all of its wonderful self-publishing tools. Heck, what you’re reading now is courtesy of the whiz-men of WordPress.com.

With this in mind, I started a new “Tumblr” page that features pictures of still frames from the TV. I usually capture these when I’m watching a show and I pause it to go see if I have any pickles left in the pot, and I happen to catch a funny freeze frame. Other times I pause on funny faces or weird ears, you know, stuff like that.

If I ever train hard enough to win an Academy Award, the above will be my speech.

Here’s a “screen hat” of a certain someone named me, enjoying a browse around “Screen Hats”, my new Tumblr page:

Hi fans! How are you? I am fine.

If you’re in the Greater Toronto area enjoying our steakhouses and various David’s Tea locations, why not come and check out this play I’m in? You have nothing to lose but 2 hours and $15.

If you’re traveling back in time this week, bring back some hand sanitizer and when you get back to the future you’ll probably have more brothers and sisters. Bigger family means more presents. It also means that if a different guy from the future travels back in time to our age and brings with him something that will spark a worldwide clan war, your clan will be bigger and stronger because you sanitized early, ensuring a large and healthy brood.

This is a visual aid in case you came from the past and don’t know what hand sanitizer is. It’s actually a great product that’s statistically lowering the rate of influenza across the Universe. It was first developed as a replacement for jams and jellies, but researchers found it was poison and didn’t taste good on toast. You can find it at your local drug store or your grocer’s freezer.

If the Empire ever got its greasy hands on the mighty Chewbacca and tortured him by shaving his whole body, he would look exactly like Pixar wunderkind, Pete Docter: