Strike three, I’m back!
My fans will be thrilled to know that I was in the house LIVE for last night’s historic fifth game of the ALDS wherein the Blue Jays erased years of Toronto sports futility with a breathtaking victory against the “Breakfast” Rangers. I say “breakfast” because it sounds like “Texas”.
Like most blue-brained ball boys, I tend to continually drink liquid during a game, which either results in a pair of pissed pants or frequent trips to one of Rogers Centre’s three bathrooms. These fabled stables have been in the news lately so in my continuing effort to go viral I activated the microphone I always have taped to my penis to capture spirited toilet talk from Toronto’s main men.
Check out these choice quotes from last night that will echo through history, reminding us of the magic that was GAME 5!
“Does anyone have a condom? I’ve never seen one before”
“I’m currently pissing a no shitter ahahaha”
“Girls have innings, guys have outings, go Jays!”
“My man, is that a microphone on your wiener?”
“Buddy, I got runnies on first and turd–diarrhea I mean”
“Dude, my sister would LOVE this room”
“Check it out, I put my dick inside out–rally dick! Everybody join it! What do you mean how’d I do it?”
“Can anyone give me a lift to Mississauga after this? To prove I’m not crazy you can try some of my pee”
“If anyone here works for the team, tell Russell Martin that my girlfriend has his eyes tattooed on the back of her neck”
“Every piss is practice for your next piss in preparation for the big piss”
“Is there an electrical outlet in that stall? I smuggled in a Foreman grill and this salmon in my shorts isn’t getting any fresher”
“Did you know that if you put an ice cube under a hand dryer it turns into a cloud?”
“Whoa cool this toilet paper has a GO Train schedule scribbled on it”
“Is that black spaghetti on your penis or are you wearing a microphone?”
“Sorry bud, I’m gonna be awhile. Trying to kill some time because I’m sitting next to an annoying doctor who keeps telling me this dark purple zit ain’t a zit”
“Are there any cops in here? Legally you have to admit it. Okay cool, this toad is going in the toilet, no one squeal”
“Yo that chick selling beer out there has some hot fuckin’ ears”
“I forgot how boring baseball is. Wanna go to Jack Astor’s after this?”
“I want to throw my poo at the umps but all the staples in it might make it dangerous”
I made a music video for the latest track from my heavy metal side project, “Unlimited Bullets”. What have you made lately? If this were the year 1600, you’d say “bread” no matter what.