GLENN W. MACAULAY

It’s almost quitting time and you have tomorrow off so you’re very antsy. To kill time you roll a single die until your favourite number comes up and it takes nine rolls before you remember that “88” isn’t on a single die. You sigh, then realize you brought your Advent calendar with you in case of emergency on-toilet entertainment. With co-worker Grilf obnoxiously looking over your shoulder, you bite open today’s door to reveal:

A selection of six powders! Without smelling or tasting you KNOW the black one is ground up hair, but the others are more mysterious. You have Grilf snort some grey powder, which causes his eyes to turn inside out. Better save that one for Uncle Ken.

Only six days left until you look down at your half-naked body and think to yourself, “these are the underpants I will remember wearing on Christmas Day ’13”.

The cabin finally feels like home after you successfully install the wood-burning stove and hang the portrait of a stranger whose nose you really admire. You start unpacking your toys and find the Advent calendar from the old house. With fingers caked in pine resin and bubblegum, you pry the top off today’s keg to claim your treat.

The Grimlet brothers! You had heard that their parents decided to move underwater without them but you didn’t think they’d be available so soon. Horace will make a fine woodsman one day while Blake and Nitt have “owl hunter” written all over them. They’ll have to adjust to the climate but you’ve got enough chicken whisky to warm them until the thaw.

Only 7 days left until you get mildly excited about the little deck of cards you got out of a Christmas cracker until you see that your brother got an eraser in the shape of a gun.

You spit the last verse on the final track of your new EP, high five the engineer and grab a few clementines before heading into the lounge to clear your thoughts. After a perfect peel you devour the baby orange with the ferocity of a horn dog in a tit yard. You survey the pile of gifts left by the label and eye a fresh Advent calendar next to a bottle of auteur by Zach Braff cologne. You decide it would be unwise to open the previous days’ windows just in case Jesus and/or Santa is real and instead go straight for today. Once open you see your treasure is:

A painting of America Ferrera as Betty from Ugly Betty. You can hardly contain your excitement as you now have something to give to that supermodel you were hoping to squeeze. She had a guest spot on the show where she played a bitch who does not respect Betty.

Only 8 days until your childhood grudge against walnuts is again debated with your family who claim it wasn’t walnuts but rather pecans. You spend much of Christmas Day looking through your parents’ basement for the photo of you flushing walnuts down the toilet to prove it once and for all.

While your significant other tries on wet suits, you retreat to the mall’s inner bowels and find an old box labelled “CREATURES” to sit on. You carefully take your Advent calendar out of your trousers and with fingers covered in food court vinegar, you uncover today’s square. Inside you find:

The most perfect hive of butter you’ve ever laid eyes on! The only question now is where to smear it. You put the calendar back in your pants and go looking for the Corn Kiosk’s garbage bins. Better be quick as there’s no way the store has more than a few wet suits in size Extra Diagonal, meaning your sweet baby is going to come looking for you soon. 

Only 9 days lefts until you start looking forward to next year’s birthday where you’ll remember to specifically ask for a bird feeder rather than relying on your family to pick up on subtle hints. Besides, there’s only so many nests you can fit in a medicine cabinet. 

Before heading outside to eat snow for the first time since you were little (your parents saved money by claiming it was milk) ,you hurriedly peel back the foil on today’s Advent calendar pouch to reveal…

A front row seat to a lady’s first ever Segway lesson! You turn around to mock the 10,000 other fans who drew worse seats and signal to the almond man that you’d like a fresh bag.

Only 10 days left until you wake up from sleeping in your parent’s bathtub because the room you grew up in is now a place where the dogs can express themselves.

Any day now you’re going to be a new father to a brand new boy or girl, depending on the colour of sperm that made its way to the white yolk of your girlfriend. It’s been insane around the house what with building the nursery and pickling the milk needed to keep baby quiet while you try to operate a successful barber shop out of your kitchen. You put all of that out of your mind and go for a lie-down on the billiards table, Advent calendar in hand. With chalky hands you open today’s window to reveal: 

Shit! Your girlfriend must have gotten into it again. She swapped whatever was in there with a decoy prize. Unfortunately, it’s your least favourite dessert: raisin log with a soy sauce/marshmallow cream. She makes it for you every full moon and you pretend to like it because if you don’t she may not let you use her car anymore. She probably thought she was doing something cute for you. Hopefully your child turns out more like you. 

Only 11 days until you watch Christmas Vacation with the family, fast forwarding the part where he watches home movies in the attic. 

Since it’s Friday the 13th you decide to stay in bed underneath the steel wool blanket you knit last time you heard one of those reports about killer bees making their way north. There’s only one problem: you must get up and go downstairs to the breakfast table to retrieve your Advent calendar to open today’s square. You wrap yourself in the blanket, run downstairs and grab the calendar, narrowly avoiding a piping hot black cat that leaped out of the oven straight at you. Now safe and sound you make sure all your alarms are set before opening the square. Once opened you find:

A fun guessing game! The game presents four rare inventions, revealing all but one. Using the clues from the revealed three you must try to guess the fourth, then create a craft using them all. You hope you’ll be able to build something to keep the eels out of the air conditioner but something festive would be nice too.

Only 12 days until one of your family gets sick and says something like “Wouldn’t you know it? Sick on Christmas. What’s next, horny on Easter?”.

Now that the storm is over you’re able to sit quietly for a few moments and enjoy today’s Advent prize. You whistle to old Willy and give him the command to fetch it from the pantry. At first he brings a package of noodles in his mouth, dropping them in front of you, waiting for you to smile. After not just smiling but chuckling, the old hound cat heads back to the kitchen and this time retrieves what you’ve been waiting for all day — your Advent calendar, embossed in gold, secured with lock and chain. You fire up the acetylene torch and break open today’s hinge. Inside you find:

You knew it was coming but that doesn’t make it any better — it’s an unmade bed complete with four pillows, a comforter, a fitted sheet, a top sheet and a wool blanket. You didn’t fight through 60-odd cyber wars just for this, but it’s a part of Christmas and Christmas is a part of you. At least according to your father. He used to say the whole family is related to Jesus on account of generation after generation of candy-lovers He never elaborated but you figure it has something to do with candy being so consistently popular.

Only 13 days left until you build a fire, forget to open the flue and ruin Christmas for everyone including the fire department who had just sat down to the biggest turkey any of them had ever seen.

The man at the store said your outfit could transition seamlessly from office casual to night heat chic but when you look in the mirror after work, you decide you’d better change into something more appropriate for a night out at BAM! Bar. While changing out of your overalls and into a sexy snakeskin skin, you realize you forgot about your Advent calendar! Mid-nude you bite open the December 11 window to reveal today’s treat:

The blood of an Englishman! And fresh too. You sort of wish that you got to keep the boy so you could take him to the bar but he says he still has nine more pints to give before the 11th turns to the 12th.

Only 14 days left you can’t remember if it’s worth it to keep the tinsel until next year or just throw it out and get more. I mean, it’s pretty cheap. But ever since you moved that huge mirror that you swore was humming out of the closet, there’s plenty more room for storage.