There’s no going back when you use a real Advent calendar. That’s why this fake one that’s all about adventure is so good. Here are all the treats, laid out the way you like:
December 1 December 9 December 17
December 2 December 10 December 18
December 3 December 11 December 19
December 4 December 12 December 20
December 5 December 13 December 21
December 6 December 14 December 22
December 7 December 15 December 23
December 8 December 16
According to the last date gate, you’ve finally reached Christmas Eve. Congratulations! You’re starting to get nervous about the end because you forgot to throw out the raw pork you let your little nephew play with the night before you vanished into this adventure and it’s still sitting on the kitchen counter. Oh well, the spiders will probably get it before it rots anyway.
You’re at the front of a long line in some sort of infinite white space. You look over your shoulder and see that everyone in line is dressed exactly the same as you — white cotton pants and shirt and red canvas shoes. Haircuts have been a big part of your journey and same goes for everyone else, apparently. You’re seeing styles that defy all logic and hope that yours is impressing them as much as they’re impressing you.
It’s kinda like this, I guess
Up ahead in the nothingness, a light glows as if to urge you forward. You take two steps and everyone behind you vanishes, leaving you and the glow. It reminds you of when you got knee surgery and they gave you way too much morphine because you lied and said you weighed 400 pounds.
“What have you learned, child?” booms the glow. It sounds like a cartoon Hippo voiced by Christian Slater.
I’m not sure how old you are but you probably aren’t a kid so you get pissed that this thing more or less called you a small fry.
“On this fucked up trip? Geez I don’t know — always look around for dates in December, don’t mess with Gary Oldman, Santa sucks but his elves are even worse, aliens are nicer than most of my friends, that new Chevy Chase joint probably isn’t worth seeing… um, I’m still no good at puking, I have a high tolerance for Adderall, I’m pretty good at brainstorms, I don’t know, stuff like that.”
Saying it out loud makes you realize that you’ve covered a lot of ground on this adventure, and that your resume is going to look great once you update it with these new experiences.
“One final question: do you get bored easily?”
“Yeah, it’s one of my biggest issues,” you respond without thinking. Maybe you should’ve lied.
“It is good that you did not lie but you still do not have what it will take. Thank you for your time.”
The glow gets brighter and brighter until you have to shield your eyes. Then everything goes black. Then blue, then a colour you’ve never seen before that makes green look like fuckin’ grey. Then “December 24” flashes in your face like, a million times.
What did that thing mean about not having what it takes? I think you’ll find out tomorrow and hopefully you won’t be too disappointed.
GLENN W. MACAULAY 