Most of us don’t remember the first time we tasted our mother’s milk, but we likely do remember the first time we tried her famous Sweaty Banana Chili. This is why we’ve decided to release this year’s Food Issue a touch early to coincide with Mother’s Day, giving you a little treat to reduce the stress of worrying if your mom is better than your peers’. And to our readers who are mothers–you are truly special not only today, but on your birthday and kind of on Christmas depending on how many presents you get compared to your husband.
Our mothers give us life initially, but food takes us home the rest of the way with its nourishment and vitamins, so let this issue be a celebration of our old and new mothers, whether it’s Dianne, carrots, Nancy or a stick of pepperoni. Anyway, lots of tips, news and a few jokes sprinkled in–hope you brought your appetite!
Editor-in-Cheese (first little joke!)
Recipe of the Year
By Chef Soosy
Between owning and operating The Eating Basement in Manhattan, authoring my series of cookbooks (Musty Favourites) AND being a full-time mom to six boys and our weasel, I still find time to contribute to the Food Issue every year. I’m proud of all my creations, especially Paul, my fifth child and the following recipe! It’s been a staple on my menus for years and was the most parodied recipe in comedy this season. Get your kids to help you out, use their noses to measure the salt, they’ll love it!
Carpet Tacos
1 lb Ground Scraps
2 pinches of any flake
A handful of crunchers
1 large carpet cut into meal-sized diamonds
Wire
Six Episodes of M*A*S*H
Half a bottle of Spiced Rum
2 nostrils of salt
Combine all ingredients in your basement’s wash basin, stir until thick, serve in carpet squares and smother with love, this is cooking not high school, have fun! Eat while watching M*A*S*H, saving your puke for the series finale.
How To Get Your Picky Child To Eat Your Trash
By Dr. Laura Video
Getting your child to eat his or its dinner is a difficult, yet feasible task, but most moms find it next to impossible to get the little ones to orally dispose of household wastes. I was ten before my father was able to convince me of the fun, nutrition and environmental advantages that come with digesting trash and we have such a good relationship that he still allows me store coins in his belly button. Here are my tips to make garbage time as easy and as fun as burying the used toilet paper in the backyard!
1. Start early
Most kids don’t eat their garbage because of the smell, so be sure to introduce various funks to them early on. My husband started bringing our second daughter into the restroom with him as soon as she was able to sniff, and we found that his sour BMs were a gateway to her not minding the smell of expired tuna, which is now one of her favourite treats.
2. Cover everything in milk
Since we don’t believe in cereal–it reminds us of petrified soup–we use breakfast time as means to get rid of the previous night’s refuse. One morning my husband served my son a bowl of past due fried rice drenched in sour milk, creating a breakfast treat that the kids simply couldn’t get enough of, even though it took a few tries before they could eat it without vomiting. By forcing them to ingest their vomit, the taste of old rice and milk seemed downright scrumptious in comparison and our garbage bill was quickly reduced.
3. Don’t let them watch TV
Television is full of advertisements that make children believe that a lifestyle full of new food is the only reasonable path. We consider it brainwashing so instead of television we’ll take our kids to the dump, allowing them to create a meal of their own.
4. Avoid old newspapers
We’re all for rewarding our children but since there is no nutritional value in old newspapers, we do not let our kids consume them unless they’ve soaked up the juices of an old piece of meat.
Modern Super Health Foods
By Jason
Eat any combination of these foods and your blood will turn into pure muscle, guaranteed. I spoke with six scientists, three teenagers, a strongman and a really annoying farmer to come up with these.
Coffee filtered through micro-fleece
I came up with this one myself when I realized that those who I respect most in this world wear micro-fleece during winter months. To me, it was no coincidence– they had to be getting some of their power and wealth from the garment and not hard work and gems as my father had assured me. I simply put two and two together and ever since starting my mornings off with a fleece coffee, I still haven’t got cancer unless the wart inside my throat is that.
Whole trees
If trees are so powerful and worth protecting then they must be healthy. Last year, the old maple in my backyard fed me for an entire year and my skin has never been more translucent. I went for a check up with Dr. Video last in April and she said I was her prized patient because she could see my heart by shining a flashlight on my chest.
Human oil
There’s no easy way to extract oils from a human but if you find enough teenagers willing to rub their faces onto you for a beer and dart, your face will be shiny in no time.
Brand new Kitchen tech
By Nancy Instead
Mothers are known for their excellent cooking skills and use of classic kitchen implements like wooden spoons and bread. If you give your mother one of the following new gadgets for Mother’s Day, she’ll think she’s on the set of Spaceballs and not in her own kitchen.
Swiss Army Things
This baby holds all your kitchen tools and also includes a two foot blade suitable for filleting large mammals.
Talking Toaster
My favourite feature is the attitude adjuster, which allows you to select attitudes from “Jeremy your bread has been toasted” to “Get this hot shit out of me, I’m boiling”
Portable Microwave
Heat your meals quickly and discreetly while on the go! Plug the provided headset into the machine and that classic microwave hum will be audible to you and you only, making it perfect for use in the library or at a funeral.
GLENN W. MACAULAY 