Tag Archives: aliens

Embarassing moments at the Intergalactic Conference

Oh boy, where to begin? In short I was chosen to participate in an Intergalactic Conference and it was a complete disaster. Maybe my expectations were too high and this type of experience is the norm. Basically it boiled down to this:

actually

actually2

Here are only a few incidents out of many. Some I can’t mention not for any legal reason but because they technically haven’t happened yet due to a rift in space-time that I caused  (long story but it involves my driver’s licence and a card trick).

Got caught fishing a crystal shard out of a toilet by the same being who shat it out.

Was the favourite in a swimming contest because of Earth’s large amount of water. Got smoked by a fish woman and received many death threats (telepathically) from things that lost money betting on me.

Met the being who built the best parts of the Great Pyramids and he was like, “Hahaha that was my grad prank”.

Every time I smiled someone would say, “Your bones are showing”.

My bow tie looked exactly like one of the keynote speaker’s wives.

During a “pupation break” those of us who don’t pupate were forced to watch a nine hour film on new stars narrated in a language that sounded like a goat eating a modem.

Half the species in attendance could see my farts.

This was seriously the photo they put beside my profile in the guidebook.

Ever time I coughed a guest died.

When chewing gum nervously, aliens kept approaching and asking where I got the invisible food. I ‘d tell them it’s just something we chew in Earth and assured them there was no invisible food, but later I found out there was invisible food and those I “lied” to filled my space craft with flying worms.

During a fun get-to-know-you game, I got partnered with a poisonous horn.

Mistook the children’s playroom for a plate of hors d’oeuvres and ate many delegates’ young children.

At dinner I  sat beside something whose skin was magnetically attracted to my hair.

These guys begged to see my dick

Was playing with my iPhone 6 and hoping someone would notice it but everyone was way more interested in a lava man who brought a book with him.

Speaking of which, the thing that wrote the Bible got an award for satire and forced me up on stage when a reporter asked, “What do the buffoons in your book actually look like?”

Went to get my picture taken with Earth in the Hall of Planets but something slimed it.

A security guard recommended I leave because a lot of attendees wanted to eat my eyes. I took its advice but left too early to get a gift bag that apparently included God’s autograph.

Advent Calendar 2014 — December 20

You gotta add the detergent before you drop the fabric softener, ya know? So read these before you read this. Man, people should add fabric softener to their pools so their bathing suits stay soft all summer.

December 1               December 9               December 17
December 2              December 10             December 18
December 3              December 11              December 19
December 4              December 12
December 5              December 13
December 6              December 14
December 7              December 15
December 8              December 16


After touching the artifact you’re transported from the corn fields to an alien craft. You’re on the bridge of the ship surrounded by friendly-looking beings.

aliens-watching-tv

“My name translates to ‘Dylan’ in your tongue,” the alien with the biggest dick begins. “But you may call me anything you’d like including ‘Butt Duck’. Our species cares not for such trivial things as names.”

“Pleasure to meet all you shit pads,” you say, extending your hand and testing the limits of this name thing. “You may call me ‘Lord’ or whatever, I guess I don’t care either.” ‘Lord’ was your old college nickname that went extinct once your legendary volleyballs skills diminished after that taco-laden summer of ’06.

“Tell us of your journey and what it is like to have hair,” responds Dylan.

You bring them up to speed on your adventure and they seem pretty into it judging by all the gasps. Then again, maybe gasping is how they piss or something, who knows?

“You have faced many hardships, young warrior. Feel free to rest and eat while we tend to your wounds,” the fattest alien says.

You spend the next couple of hours completely relaxing, eating and getting medical attention from another alien who tells you some really funny stories about a species of aliens who worship twine. You’re chilling in the quarters they provided when Dylan politely knocks, then enters.

“It seems your journey is almost to an end. It might be wise for you to go on your way,” says Dylan. He’s not being pushy or anything but you’re kind of pissed that he’s not letting you hang out.

“Thanks Dog Stain, but why do you think my journey is almost over? This thing could go on forever for all we know,” you retort.

“Earthen Christmas falls on the twenty-fifth moon of December, correct? If your data is accurate, your journey should end on that same day,” he says while staring at your new haircut that the on-ship stylist gave you.

You never really put much thought into it, but he’s probably right. If this Advent thing holds it should all be over after the 25th gate.

“Hmm, you’re right. You guys are smart. You even correctly assumed that the birth mark on my leg is actually a deep set wine stain from that time I went camping and took peyote. I just need to find another date gate and I’ll get out of here. You got anything that says ‘December 20′ lyin’ around?”

Dylan’s head starts to glow and he hums a tune that sounds like a shitty, early Beatles track. Another alien enters the room, its head glowing in the same fashion. It’s holding something.

“Trent, show the Earthling the relic,” Dylan says to the new alien.

Trent hands you a thin, cardboard box-like thing and immediately you recognize it as a classic Advent calendar.

“Where did you get this?”

“We went shopping two days ago in Michigan,” responds Trent.

Upon closer inspection, the calendar is used up until December 20th.

“We have enjoyed your company and your recipe for chili. We never thought to add cinnamon. Good luck and hopefully we will see you again,” says a teary-eyed Dylan.

You want to give him a hug but he smells like dead frogs that have been wrapped in wet carpet. You open the December 20th window on the calendar to find a little chocolate underneath. It looks like this:

chocoart_072909_m

You give the aliens a quick wink then pop the chocolate in your mouth. As soon as it starts to melt you disappear, onto your next stop. If only it were another alien craft, that was fun!

Advent Calendar 2014 — December 19

I only listened to the last episode of the famous Serial podcast and I didn’t understand who Don was. Don’t make the same mistake with the Advent adventure:

December 1               December 9               December 17
December 2              December 10             December 18
December 3              December 11
December 4              December 12
December 5              December 13
December 6              December 14
December 7              December 15
December 8              December 16


You’re plopped into the potato fields of a large farm. Maybe it’s a small farm, you don’t know. Ever seen a small farm? I haven’t. You’re ankle deep in mud and your tum tum feels strange from scarfing that handful of fries in the interrogation room. You don’t feel like doing any hard labour and figure you can nap among the spuds while you wait for something to happen.

Right as your about to drift off to sleep, a farmer pulls up in a purple tractor.

Farmer Luther and his wife, Bambo

 

“Hey there. There’s another one of them crop circles out in the corn. Take the drone up and take a look, would you?” he asks, nodding toward a small shed. “And stop nickin’ my beets!”

The only crop circle you’ve ever seen live was in your babysitter’s backyard and it wasn’t made by aliens but the babysitter’s boyfriend who was performing a dry-run of the senior class prank, so you’re mildly excited to see another. You wander over to the shed and open the door. Inside the tiny enclosure is a decent sized remote controlled drone, a few watering cans, a shovel, a stack of broken alarm clocks and two cats fucking. You grab the drone, give the cats a wink and head out to the corn.

It takes you five hours but you finally find the corn field in question. Along the way you fall in a pond, meet a wizard, stub your toe and find a time capsule from 1934. All it had in it was newspapers and cigarettes. I’m not going into detail because none of that stuff related directly to the Advent adventure. Wait, the wizard said something about Bethlehem, but he also claimed he could turn toast into DVDs so who cares.

You fire up the drone and launch it across the dry, dead corn. At first you find it tough to watch the drone and not the small LCD screen on the remote that displays the drone’s camera but after awhile you get used to it. If two cats can fuck in a shed, a human can control a flying machine, eh?

You finally manage to position the drone directly above the crop circle and take a couple pictures using the drone’s camera. You’re startled when you get a good look at the image:

cropcircles

Shiiiiitttttt, the Advent date gate! You quickly forget about the drone (it crashes into a garage where a high school band is practicing. The band’s keyboard player, nickname “HardWire”, reprograms it into a flying synthesizer that gains the band much notoriety) and enter the crop circle hoping to find your way off the farm.

You’ve always believed in aliens because there’s no other explanation for volcanoes, and your belief is only strengthened when you find the crop circle area dusted with goo. Lying in the middle of the main circle is a strange-looking device that turns out to be an old modem, but next to the modem is an even stranger item that looks like this:

Alien_artifact__122338

You pick it up and it makes an otherworldly noise:

And you’re off! Out of the farm and into… harm??? Find out tomorrow!

Movie review – Guardians of the Galaxy

guardians-of-the-galaxy-film-set-09

Guardians of the Galaxy is a new movie that has so many aliens and spaceships that you’ll never need to go to the planetarium ever again.

There’s one guy who’s not an alien and that’s human Peter Quill, who calls himself Star Lord, that has more to do with being in space and not being a literal lord because he’s way too goofy to have that kind of authority. He’s played by TV star Chris Pratt who had to lose weight in order to jump all over the place and roll around.

The Star lord gets together with a tree, a raccoon, a volcano man and a green alien to fight against some bald guy who wants an orb that star lord found. That was a bit vague, sorry, there are a lot of bald aliens in this movie. The one I’m talking about is blue and dresses like a Japanese Sphinx. Star Lord’s team doesn’t get along at first but then do because they realize they don’t have any other friends and because it’s way more interesting that way. There’s another plot where star lord misses his dead mom even though the space technology in the movie could probably make him a new one. That part was stupid.

A man can dream

A man can dream

The special effects were great in this movie, creating a version of outer space that’s full of aliens who only speak English and dress like they’re in the opening scene of Bill and Ted part 2. One ticket to that space please! All the ships that the guys drew on their computers for the movie looked really cool and the makeup they used on all the aliens created skin colours and textures that are simply out of this world.

Guardians of the Galaxy was a fun ride and I wouldn’t mind them guarding our galaxy (the milker) as long as they don’t mess around. I hope that in the sequel the tree and raccoon get to go to Earth because I’d love to see what they think of our outdoors.

I ate popcorn, drank a diet cherry coke and some Starburst minis that weren’t as good as Starburst regulars. I shared all snacks with my brother. I’d give this movie a “go see it, you’re bored, right?” and recommend seeing it at night so when you leave the theatre you can keep watching space for free. The best kind of date to bring to this movie would be someone who is easily scared or some dork who hasn’t seen it yet because they were on vacation when it came out.