Tag Archives: movie

Advent Calendar 2014 — December 21

Unlike a night out at Red Lobster, these previous Advent entries are totally FREE.

December 1               December 9               December 17
December 2              December 10             December 18
December 3              December 11              December 19
December 4              December 12             December 20
December 5              December 13
December 6              December 14
December 7              December 15
December 8              December 16


Bet you thought you were going to end up in a chocolate factory! Instead, you’re seated in the middle row of an empty movie theatre. Did you know that chocolate accounts for 56% of all concession stand sales across major American theatre chains? If you didn’t that’s fine because it’s probably not true, but the fact remains that chocolate is a major piece of the movie going experience, which is why the Advent chocolate that the aliens gave you, brought you here.

Speaking of which, you give your head a stroke, checking to see if the hairstyle that E.T. gave you survived the trip. It feels like strands of denim, so yep, it’s still there. You hope it survives all the way home because you’re sure your cousins will get jealous at the annual family Christmas party and it’s definitely their turn. Last year they showed up wearing elbow pads and everyone went nuts. The only other time you felt that jealous was when your local library got Blu-rays before you.

You wouldn’t mind catching a flick right now and hope that in this dimension they got The Hobbit because you like any story where smaller guys don’t complain.

The house lights start to dim, the curtain rises and the projector fires up.

Empty Movie Theater and Screen --- Image by © Corbis

Fuckin’ typical. You don’t even get to see the previews. You were really hoping to catch a glimpse of that new Chevy Chase movie where he plays against type and portrays a poor guy who isn’t cool.

You reluctantly approach the screen and decide to cause a little mischief by punching a hole through it. If you’re not going to be able to see The Hobbit, no one will. Instead of making a perfect, fist-sized puncture, you hand goes through the screen without making as much as a scratch. You quickly understand that this is a Last Action Hero type situation, take a deep breath and walk through the screen into nothingness. Lights, camera, acting!

 

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Movie review — Nightcrawler

Exclusive - Jake Gyllenhaal Films Scenes For 'Nightcrawler'

Time and nutrients have chiseled Jake Gyllenhaal–once considered America’s widest-eyed baby boy–into the man you will see in November’s Nightcrawler, now in theatres.

The new, gaunt Jake slightly resembles a golden age Rick Campanelli who like the film’s nightcrawler, changed the way we watch TV.

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If I keep going on about looks they’ll write a scathing feature about me on slate.com  so let’s chill and walk, not crawl all over Nightcrawler.

Jake plays the main crawler but there’s a few others in the movie too. The crawlers are guys in LA who aren’t scared of blood and who go around and film accidents and fires to sell to news TV. I thought news TV made their own videos but I got no problem learning new things as long as it doesn’t make me look like a stupid idiot, I mean I’m 32 for Christ’s sake.

The main cralwer starts his own crawling business and quickly rises through the ranks because he’s fucked and doesn’t care about anyone but himself and he really doesn’t mind blood at all. He’s like one of those guys in high school who I’d talk to because I felt bad for him but then after you talk to him you’re like “oh fuck him” and you’re relieved that can officially say you hate him because you’ve done your due diligence and didn’t rely on the opinion of others.

I thought we were going to see Rene Russo nude for the first time since 1999’s The Thomas Crown Affair, but nude sex between Jake and Rene was only implied and not shown. This was probably a good thing because Jake’s arms were so veiny in this fucker that if we saw the rest of him we might think he was a snake master and not a nightcrawler. I get the veins though because the movie is about news and the news always says “if it bleeds it leads” and veins make bleeding possible.

Jake Gyllenhaal On The Set Of 'Nightcrawler'

Like a grandpa who won’t shut up, this movie is telling us that we watch too much TV! But it’s also about being your own boss, which is the American dream 2.0, I think.

There isn’t much to this thing, it’s about a veiny loner who finds a new job and gets way too into it. Sounds to me like the last half of Forrest Gump, a movie about a way nicer guy.

To help me get through the movie without chewing on my jacket, I bought a combination of a medium popcorn and a medium drink. I’m such a career medium–shirts, pants, combos–that the sound of the word “medium” makes me feel at home. We were going to refill our drink on the way out so that we could sip until dinner but we forgot probably because we were mad at the nightcrawler for being such a damn doorknob.If I had a friend like that there’s no way I’d answer his emails.

I’d rate this movie “A” for “Anyway, I saw Nightcrawler” because it probably won’t be the first thing you tell your co-worker you did this weekend. I’ll probably lead with the chicken curry I made for dinner on Sunday followed by the goal I scored in hockey on Friday, then Nightcrawler. Have a great afternoon and check out the full glennmacaulay.com blog library, available on demand NOW.

Movie pitch: Glennegades

Title:

GLENNEGADES

Log Line:

A Toronto Glenn recruits the world’s top Glenns to stop a sinister brigade of Daniels from taking full control of the ‘Glenn’ Wikipedia page… and the world.

Synopsis:

In the year 2016 the Planet Earth is undergoing massive changes. A new generation of Tylers and Ethans threaten the existence of the Daves and Jims of old while the Internet continues to distract the public from shadows that lurk beneath the everyday mundane.

One afternoon, hacker, DJ and scientist Glenn M. stumbles upon a subgroup of Daniels looking to systematically erase the history of humanity’s most powerful names, starting with the Glenns. Before he has time to roll his eyes and spit on his monitor, Glenn M.’s activity is tracked by Daniels’ security forces and thanks to a anonymous tip (ends up being his brother, Scott), he leaves his apartment before it’s ransacked and vandalized with old bandages and Daniel Day-Louis posters.

Glenn M. hacks an airplane and flies it to Scotland where his name originated, rendezvousing with a beautiful Glenn named Glenn. Using her skills as a master seductress and half-decent jogger, Glenn helps Glenn recruit a team of world-class Glenns to fight this new threat in order to save not only Glenns but every name we hold dear. Taking Glenn and his team of Glenns around the globe in an action-packed thrill ride, GLENNEGADES is sure to be this century’s best and most exciting piece of art.

If you’re interested in financing this project please leave a crystal tulip on my doorstep and I’ll get back to you. I already have my business partnerships team working on deals to get Glenn-themed fries at Wendy’s (they’re way shorter than regular fries and come with a new purple dip) and a Glenn fedora with his signature seagull feather at Big It Up locations nationwide.

My art department has whipped up some images that I feel brings the hype. As you can see my company and I are well-prepared to take this project out of the stratosphere and into the part of outer space where no one even knows what food is.

Are you ready for opening night?

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Movie review – X-Men: Days of Future Past

X-Men: Days of Future Past

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The X-Men team is in trouble again, meaning it’s gonna be ANOTHER long stretch before they can enjoy any sort of leisure time. Do they even get paid to do any of their tricks? This time around the X-Men of the future are pissed that they’re not the best anymore so they send everybody’s favourite naughty boy, Wolverine, back in time to straighten it out before some furnace-faced bots take over.

Ha! As if it were that easy. The Canadian hero known for his six knives kind of screws up mostly because he messes with the frustratingly unstoppable magnet man who is so powerful that he should rightly be included in future editions of the Bible. They eventually figure it out of course, but at what cost? $12.99 for the ticket, no popcorn, just a stick of gum I brought from home.

Most mutants in this movie looked like a middle-aged person’s vision of a graffiti artist and every one of them knew more than enough karate to make up for the shortcomings of whatever power makes them a weirdo.

The bulk of the movie takes place in the 1970s but don’t worry, you won’t get distracted by the fact that not one character knows what you know about computers and the 24 hour news cycle–these guys are all business. Even if the movie took place today they still wouldn’t have had time to check email anyway–no one had time to eat anything in this movie or even stop for a drink of water.

The special effects made the human actors really appear to be the stylish monsters they were supposed to be, while Hugh Jackman and his team of Hollywood trainers and dietitians did a great job making his arm veins look like perfect al dente spaghetti.

The actors knew their lines really well even though most of them only had a few. Heck, Ellen Page spent the whole thing sitting down with her hands around Hugh’s head. There were lots of good lines that were mostly just variations of stuff like, “hope is the greatest human tool” and “our future is ours and hope is our future and be nice” and classic ‘blah blahs’ like that, but I don’t like small talk anyway, so who cares?

I’d give this movie a “go see it, it made me wish I had a power other than being kind”. It didn’t feel very long and I didn’t check my watch once.

Movie Review – Gravity

The boy is looking for his X-BOX, no doubt.

“Mommy, I’m God”

Gravity is a brand new movie set mostly in outer space where a handful of astronauts have some trouble at work. Sandra Bullock plays the main floater who has never been to space before but knows how to fix the big droid better than veteran astronaut played by real deal woman fucker, George Clooney. There’s one other guy whose face you do not see, but whose voice would be best described as “Mexican?”.

There isn’t much to say about the story except that humans are the only species we get to hang out with and Earth is the only planet we get laugh at. If I wanted to see some humans on earth I’d take a look in the mirror because I have a tattoo of Buzz Aldrin licking a globe.

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The main draw of this future Wikipedia favourite is the visually stunning depiction of outer space, painstakingly created in a computer program that doesn’t come with the computer you bought. No wait, who cares? Outer space is the easiest thing to draw next to the sun, which also makes several appearances.

If “gravity” is the science that keeps our poo flowin’ the right way, then the film Gravity is the film that stops us from pooing for 90 minutes because we don’t want to get up and poo during the film. As a joke, I threw a Mars bar at the screen when the credits started rolling. I give this film two thumbs on the buttons that make space ships fly and hope that it inspires someone to make a space movie with more sports in it.

DVD BONUS FEATURE

What fun snack should you eat during Gravity?

Mars Bars (sorry if I ruined the surprise before)

Movie Review – Fast & Furious 6

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Paul Walker stars

Fast & Furious 6 is the latest in a series of films about cars and the men and women who use them for everything but transportation.

Former wrestler and current mainstay at MTV- based award shows, Dwayne “A Rock” Johnson plays some sort of law enforcement official named Hobbs who’s having a whale of a time tracking down “Shaw”, a really smart hunk who is really good at crime and making cars that are better than regular ones. While investigating the bad guy, Hobbs realizes that one of Shaw’s teammates is Vin Diesel’s wife (Michelle Rodriguez) who had died in part 3 or something. He convinces Vin Diesel to ditch his new girlfriend and their lavish oceanside Spanish villa to get his old wife back and save the world too. But he can’t do it alone because there are too many favourites in the series to simply ignore. He convinces Paul Walker to ditch his wife, oceanside Spanish villa and newborn baby boy and join the mission, then puts in phone calls to the rest of the gang: Tyrese Gibson, Ludacris, an Asian guy with great hair and an Israeli supermodel, who are all living great lives thanks to all the money they made killing the last bad guy. But hey, when your friend asks you to help him find his dead wife who happens to be in cahoots with the world’s most dangerous man, you drop everything fast and furiously.

What follows is two hours of fights that leave combatants un-cut, shootouts that leave our heroes un-shot, and car chases that result in thousands of civilian casualties.  All the while Vin Diesel works very hard to refresh the memory of Rodriguez, who contracts a mean case of amnesia when she almost died that one time.

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 I’d say this film was well worth the money I paid to sit in front of it because it was full of the kind of shit that make movies fun to go see, which in this case included a tank chase, a plane chase, computer screens with maps and bar graphs on them and a post-credit sequence starring British-born actor Jason Statham. There were also some great quotes that reminded me of the dialogue I’d make-up in my head when I’d play with actions figures as a child. Here are some:

Paul Walker: Letty is dead Dom.
Vin Diesel: I need to know for sure.
Paul Walker: Then I’m going with you.

Vin Diesel: [Hands over the microchip to Hobbs] So this is worth billions.
Rock: [Smiles] Name your price, Dom.

[Long pause]

Vin Diesel: [Referring to his old address in Los Angeles, which is a piece of shit in East L.A.] 1327.

Rock: If you want to catch a wolf, you need a wolf.

Go see Fast & Furious 6 if you don’t care about what your smart friends think of you, or if you want to impress a girl who is new to North America. I’d give this movie a multi-star high five out of ten.