The Internet isn’t yet unanimous on how we should react to, and feel about Caitlyn Jenner’s journey into womanhood, so to avoid being persecuted for your own opinion that’s probably wrong anyway, here are 10 reactions that won’t ruffle any feathers (I think).
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged Bruce Jenner, Caitlyn Jenner, Gender transition, Kardashian, list
Last month we tried to order a new writer to pen a fake Bible from the perspective of roller derby girl but the job company shipped us a music critic by mistake. We felt bad that the guy spent 57 hours in a box en route to our offices, so we let him write one piece before shipping him back to Omsk.
By glennmacaulay.com music critic, Julian Lapterjunsting
Here’s what I’ll be jamming to this month when I hitch up to Alaska for HOLY MOLY AuthntcFstvl this coming July. My tastes are very complex and these tracks are challenging but I believe that when ingested together they form a nihilistic pattern that could be interpreted as a hyper-common argument. Enjoy!
This Irish singer/slapper mixes hazy west coast post-dream drone with utter disdain for the bass clef (for once). I love the uplifting message and the understated whale winds she weaves from textures based around the idea of unlimited holidays.
This is what it would sound like if The Ramones traded their guitars for a Fellini film during softball season in rural Georgia in 1968. This is the perfect soundtrack for a chess picnic in June, minus the rain and undeniable circumstance.
What begins as a lesson in baroque clang, ends with a nod to the hollowness prevalent in 90’s-era stop ‘n go. With each chorus, Aunt calls for a new instigation of truth backed by throbbing rhythms, while the listener can’t help but respond by urging, “solve me!”.
Bushy-headed prank slop from three Rhode Island teens who don’t nod to their influences so much as babysit them. The pubescent relentlessness raises questions about ethics in our caustic attitude toward “the new normal” but somehow it works, backed by Cody Nubbles’ otherworldly vocals and drummer Daryl Invicta’s two-three-nine patterns and drop stings.
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged bands, electronica, indie rock, music, music critic, music journalism, Parody Songs, pitchfork, playlist, snob, song, songs
Wonderful! That alarm means that the Fruit Chute is armed and ready to bring us the bounty of the summer season.
The Fruit Chute is a mysterious machine that some believe is one of the lost talismans of David Blaine. My former master found it in his mom’s garage while looking for a baseball card that he claimed had a swear word printed in the place of the player’s name. I’ve got the Internet and I still haven’t found mention of the misprinted card so I suspect he was lying to cover up the fact that he was living in his mom’s garage at the time.
He installed the Chute it in our office where it remains today, churning out delicious fruits that all smell like clay (they taste good).
We haven’t had a fruit come down the chute since the last of the nectarines back in August. Oh, it’s starting up! The machine sounds like this when it gets going:
And out of the purple vapour comes today’s fruit…
I don’t know what fruit this is. It smells like clay so it’s definitely from the Chute but it doesn’t look like anything I’ve ever chomped on. I don’t see a stem but it has the structural integrity of an unripened plum. I’ve never had a reason to mistrust the Chute so I’ll take a bite.
Hey, this is Russell, Glenn’s assistant. After he ate the fruit he started getting zits on his eyes so we rushed him to the hospital where they pumped his stomach to find this:
Glenn’s doing fine now but the creature is demanding we pay for food and accommodations while he sorts out what dimension he’s in. Legally that’s all we can say right now. Thanks for reading!
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged animation, audition, fox, harry shearer, Mr. Burns, Smithers, the simpsons, voice action
In the wake of Tom Brady’s suspension over bad footballs, we take a look back at some of the National Football League’s most memorable acts of discipline:
Don Beebe: 3 games and a$5,000 fine for scrawling “Don’s Room KEEP OUT” on the inside of his locker
Flipper Anderson: 1 game for promoting AM radio on FM radio
Brian Bosworth: 5 games for drawing eyes on his shoelaces and making them look like little snakes.
Mark Brunell: 2 games and a $2300 fine for changing all the clocks in the locker room behind an hour so he’d have enough time to buy a “sorry I tried on your wedding dress” cake for his wife.
Mark Duper: 1 playoff game for signing an endorsement deal with Iams using the blood of his neighbour’s cat
Kordell Stewart: 7 games for clicking a pen while his son watched E.T. after Kordell got upset that he wasn’t able to watch a circus documentary he had heard about.
Joe Thiesmann: 3 games for leading off a pre-game prayer with “God, I know you’re busy trying to find me a Scottish version of Fran Drescher, but…”
Charles Woodson: 5 games for pickling his mouth guard in a brine that didn’t include mustard seed.
Ronnie Lott: 1 game for building a nest in the weight room using unauthorized yarn.
Brett Favre: 4 games for taking grass from Solider Field and sprinkling it on his voodoo field at home
Josh Brown: 9 games for designing his autograph so that if flipped upside down, it spells out “I’M NOT DUMB YOU ARE”
Dwayne Bowe: 5 games for not seeking league permission in licensing his line of headphones that look like protective cups.
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged deflategate, football, new england patriots, NFL, sports, suspensions, tom brady
I recently completed a rigorous semester of study at the University of School, and although I maintained a ‘P’ average I wish I had’ve known how to write a proper essay before getting there.
To help out future students I’ve created a simple diagram that should help to guide you through your first essay. Thank you so much.
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged academics, education, english, essay, essay structure, school, university, writing
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged baseball, blue jay, blue jays, jose bautista, music video, Rogers Centre, skydome, Toronto, Toronto Blue Jays, video
As is customary on glennmacaulay.com, we’d like to help you on your 4/20 flight with our traditional 4/20 snak pak. Enjoy the words, sounds, fonts, thoughts and colours that we’ve sewn together to create a tapestry that will guide you through your trip to the sky and beyond. Roll up that dried lettuce and find a comfortable table because it’s time open the doors and let the tide roll in. To you, traveler, we say… good luck… good food… good vibes… good waves… goodness gracious.
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If we cannot define matter then how do we know its name? All astral beings are privy to the riddles of our dreams.
Do you see your bridge? Don’t just jump into the sea of possibility, do flips into it and dry off with the stars.
If all life breaths the same air then the air is not special. What is special is what you do with your air. Sex is existence.
WE ARE ALL ALL OF THE ABOVE, ABOVE AND BEYOND OUR DIFFERENCES
A mask hides truth but what happens when the mask is the truth? Seek the prism, deny the sea ahead.
We are each a moon because we each have light. Never trust your own gravity.
Harvey’s stuffed cheeseburger is back for a limited time. We take Harvey’s classic patty and stuff it to the gills with fresh Ontario cheddar. Get yours now before it’s too late and have a great April 20th!!
Turning 33 isn’t a big milestone unless you’re a pagan priest, and since I denounced my oaths three years ago after my congregation tried to turn me into a crow, I don’t have much to celebrate today. Do you? Here’s a gift:
Last year I brought you the wildly entertaining Birthday Ultra Multi-Pak and this year I thought I’d simplify by providing some highlights of my life so far. Happy birthday to me and to everyone celebrating a birthday this year. Keep your tongue moist and your belly button open and ready, it’s 2015!
GLENN W. MACAULAY 