Your December 6 Advent treat window looks like this:
You punch in the code, “1-2-3-4-5-6-7-G-R-E-A-T” and the window pops open with a satisfying “SWUS” sound, revealing today’s classic rock inspired holiday track:
Here are the lyrics if you’re deaf:
Snow Tires
Baby you’re my
Snow Tires
I only need you in winter time
Then I
take you off when the sun starts to shine
My temporary rubber
My half-year lover
Throw you in the shed
Once May rears its head
You’re my snow tires
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Tagged Advent 2015, advent calendar, christmas, christmas carol, holidays, music, snow tires, tires
Your December 5 Advent treat window looks like this:
You utter the magic words, “I’m ready, baby”, and the window softly swings open to reveal today’s treat:
Here are the lyrics in case the cops start sniffin’ around:
At my in laws for a holiday feast
The turkey’s out the oven and the buns got yeast
I ask my wife’s dad if there’s something I can do
he said “please carve the turkey and make the gravy too”
I said “no problem that’s my specialty”
I’ve made more gravies than Finland’s got trees
I’d blow ‘em away with my deep brown goo
Shit would taste good on a dirty fuckin shoe
Open up the pantry to get some supplies
What I found in there almost made me cry
They got a lotta flour
But they don’t get cloves!
They got port wine
But no bay leaves!
Thank god they got pepper
I don’t see worstershire
But they do got salt
Do my best to make it thick and tasty
It’s got more flavour than Dawson’s got Pacey
The gravy’s such a hit that they drank that shit
I’m the hero of Christmas cuz my sauce is legit
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Tagged Advent 2015, advent calendar, christmas, christmas carol, gravy, hip hop, holidays, music, rap, sauce
Your December 4 Advent treat window looks like this:
You unscrew the window using a Robertson screwdriver you found in a ditch during your first babysitting gig to reveal today’s holiday track:
Here are the totally psychedelic lyrics to this jazzy slam:
Hello Donner, How Are you?
Are all the stories about you true?
Are you lonely, do you need aid?
Are you anxious, sad or afraid?
Flying reindeer, talking to me
Purple snow topping rainbow trees
the loneliest reindeer, needs an escape
Come on my journey, friends we will make
I am Donner, the mighty one
If you cry for me they’ve already won
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Tagged acid, Advent 2015, advent calendar, christmas, christmas carol, holidays, jazz, music, psychedelic
Your December 3 Advent treat window looks like this:
You melt the welds using a nearby laser beam and the treat window makes a *thud* as it falls to the floor, revealing today’s surf-inspired jingle:
Here are the lyrics so you can sing along with your baby:
It’s Jesus’ birthday, but I can’t find Jesus
Bought a present for Jesus but I can’t find Jesus
Wanna surf with Jesus but I can’t find Jesus
It must be Christmas time
Hang ten let’s hang ten for Jesus
Surfs up let’s surf up for Jesus
Cowabunga let’s bunga for Jesus
Hey honey blow a kiss for Jesus
California is high fivin’ Jesus
It must be Christmas time
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Tagged Advent 2015, advent calendar, beach boys, california, christmas, christmas carol, holidays, music, surf
Your December 2 Advent treat window looks like this:
You grab the hand of the dead witch lying beside you and use one of her green, jagged fingernails to peel it back, revealing…
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Tagged Advent 2015, advent calendar, christmas, christmas carol, holidays, music
Welcome to this year’s Advent Calendar. Last year I took you through a holiday-themed, 25-chapter adventure story with more twists and turns than a dumb road.
This year I’m going to take you on a musical journey via 25 mini-tracks tailor made for the holiday season. These songs will span many styles and subjects and will hopefully become a part of your family traditions for years to come.
Your December 1 Advent treat window looks like this:
You unlock it using the provided jeweled key to reveal the first song of the season:
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Tagged Advent 2015, advent calendar, christmas, holidays, music
Well, this is it, the end of the fuckin’ rainbow. Enjoy your last treat but make sure you’ve consumed all these other ones first. Merry Christmas!
December 1 December 9 December 17
December 2 December 10 December 18
December 3 December 11 December 19
December 4 December 12 December 20
December 5 December 13 December 21
December 6 December 14 December 22
December 7 December 15 December 23
December 8 December 16 December 24
You regain consciousness in the conference room of your office where you work a boring job. This is the last place you remember being before starting your adventure. The improv troupe is finishing its pitch with a fun little game called “guess the penis”. Was it all a dream? Doubtful. You can’t fall asleep unless you plug your nose and you’ve been snot-free all month.
The troupe finishes and exits the conference room, but not before stopping at the coffee table and stuffing their pockets with sugar and used tea bags. You’re not sure if it’s another bit or if they’re full of shit but that’s the least of your concerns. Your co-workers start muttering to each other about how they’d rather the company spend money to hire a graffiti artist to paint new male/female signs on the bathroom doors than on improv lessons from a bunch of giddy fuckers. Normally you’d jump at the chance to gab with the gang but you find yourself utterly confused.
Your head is swimming and you don’t notice your friend Gina waving in your face.
Gina Bioffo, your work friend
“Hello? Hello?! Snap out of it. What’s wrong with you?”
You do indeed “snap out”, rub your eyes and look down to see you’re wearing your regular office clothes. You’re definitely back for real this time and a flood of relief passes over you as well as an urge to go shopping. You smile at Gina.
“I think I had a crazy dream or something. Sorry, I’m totally out of it,” you say.
“Were you in that Jesus thing too?” Gina asks.
“What? Uh, maybe. You mean the Advent calendar adventure?”
“Yeah it happened to me too. I asked the glow straight up what was going on and it told me I was auditioning to be the new Jesus. Pretty weird. I didn’t get the job, obviously, and I guess you didn’t either. I saw you in line there. Fucked up, eh?”
You don’t understand why she’s being so nonchalant and you also don’t understand how any of what you did could be about Jesus, save for the Advent part. You tell this to Gina and she says:
“I thought it was pretty obvious, I mean you had to practice a lot of patience, co-exist with Santa Claus, perform some magic, meet tons of people, kiss people you’d rather not kiss, help out the less fortunate, talk to animals, do a bit of farming, meet with aliens, not eat a whole lot, be focused on your hair, that sort of thing. Sounds like Jesus to me. As for me being so calm? They don’t call me ‘Chill Gates’ for nothing. Come on, lets go draw.”
You’re not entirely satisfied and still wonder why you, Gina and those others were chosen to audition but some things in life are best left unanswered. Ho ho ho, it’s over.
DVD COMMENTARY
Thanks for reading this year’s Advent calendar. It got tough toward the end because I had to do Christmas shopping and all sorts of other shit so maybe I rushed it a bit but not bad for making it up as I went along. I hope you weren’t let down. I was going to make the ending about the improv troupe being the best in the world and the entire adventure was you improvising with them or something, but the Jesus angle is more wholesome I think. Thanks again and Happy Holidays! I’ll be back in the new year with jokes, gags, spoofs and essays that will tickle your groan zone.
Highlights
I liked the alien part a lot, the social media brainstorm and the kid who showed you what garbage can to throw up in.
Lowlights
The part in the movie theatre and chevy chase on the street were my least favourite I think.
POST CREDITS SCENE
It’s a few days later and you walk by a church. Because you have full-on proof that at least some of what church loves is real, you pop in. A choir is practicing a song about not stealing. You freeze when you gaze about the altar to where the cross usually hangs. Instead, there’s a painting that looks like this:
Oh no! The elf known as Phandor must be the new Jesus. That sucks.
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Tagged Advent, Advent 2014, advent calendar, adventure, christmas, December, elf, fun, Gina, improv, office
There’s no going back when you use a real Advent calendar. That’s why this fake one that’s all about adventure is so good. Here are all the treats, laid out the way you like:
December 1 December 9 December 17
December 2 December 10 December 18
December 3 December 11 December 19
December 4 December 12 December 20
December 5 December 13 December 21
December 6 December 14 December 22
December 7 December 15 December 23
December 8 December 16
According to the last date gate, you’ve finally reached Christmas Eve. Congratulations! You’re starting to get nervous about the end because you forgot to throw out the raw pork you let your little nephew play with the night before you vanished into this adventure and it’s still sitting on the kitchen counter. Oh well, the spiders will probably get it before it rots anyway.
You’re at the front of a long line in some sort of infinite white space. You look over your shoulder and see that everyone in line is dressed exactly the same as you — white cotton pants and shirt and red canvas shoes. Haircuts have been a big part of your journey and same goes for everyone else, apparently. You’re seeing styles that defy all logic and hope that yours is impressing them as much as they’re impressing you.
It’s kinda like this, I guess
Up ahead in the nothingness, a light glows as if to urge you forward. You take two steps and everyone behind you vanishes, leaving you and the glow. It reminds you of when you got knee surgery and they gave you way too much morphine because you lied and said you weighed 400 pounds.
“What have you learned, child?” booms the glow. It sounds like a cartoon Hippo voiced by Christian Slater.
I’m not sure how old you are but you probably aren’t a kid so you get pissed that this thing more or less called you a small fry.
“On this fucked up trip? Geez I don’t know — always look around for dates in December, don’t mess with Gary Oldman, Santa sucks but his elves are even worse, aliens are nicer than most of my friends, that new Chevy Chase joint probably isn’t worth seeing… um, I’m still no good at puking, I have a high tolerance for Adderall, I’m pretty good at brainstorms, I don’t know, stuff like that.”
Saying it out loud makes you realize that you’ve covered a lot of ground on this adventure, and that your resume is going to look great once you update it with these new experiences.
“One final question: do you get bored easily?”
“Yeah, it’s one of my biggest issues,” you respond without thinking. Maybe you should’ve lied.
“It is good that you did not lie but you still do not have what it will take. Thank you for your time.”
The glow gets brighter and brighter until you have to shield your eyes. Then everything goes black. Then blue, then a colour you’ve never seen before that makes green look like fuckin’ grey. Then “December 24” flashes in your face like, a million times.
What did that thing mean about not having what it takes? I think you’ll find out tomorrow and hopefully you won’t be too disappointed.
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Tagged Advent, Advent 2014, advent calendar, adventure, christmas, December, fun, heaven
First time on the Internet? These blue words are links to the other Advent calendar entries. You sort of have to read them first. Can’t get these in book stores.
December 1 December 9 December 17
December 2 December 10 December 18
December 3 December 11 December 19
December 4 December 12 December 20
December 5 December 13 December 21
December 6 December 14 December 22
December 7 December 15
December 8 December 16
You materialize into a large church, finding yourself standing at the back, gazing up at the amazing stained glass:
You thought the autograph on the church flyer might bring to you another film set or maybe a memorabilia shop, but whatever, in the words of your father, “church can be fun if you imagine it being a playground for people who don’t watch TV.”
At the front of the church a guy in robes is talking about Christmas.
“On that cold night, Jesus was born and the angels sang and Santa was not there. The wise men presented the babe with gold, frankincense, myrrh and a little hat that one of their wives knit that has a cute rhino on it. Let us now sing today’s feature hymn. For those of you who cannot sing, please find a pair of corduroy pants underneath the pews which you may use to make fun scraping sounds to the beat.”
The congregation pulls out their hymn books and a few people grab the pants. You look up at the hymn board and see this:
Nice, you’ll only have to stay here a few minutes.
The organist starts ticklin’ and everyone starts singing and scraping pants. You pick up a hymnbook and find a page labelled “December 23”. You figure you might as well belt a few bars before getting out. The song goes like this:
Bethlehem Snow
I was there, I saw the birth, the new King brought to this Earth
The little town of Bethlehem was radiating mirth
But I sold rugs and had to split, my camel packed and ready
I said “goodbye!”, ate some figs and rode on, fast and steady
Before the gates, the sky went dark and a chill filled the air
I looked up to the stars above and white shit fell on my hair
“What the hell?” I asked Denis, my brown camel strong and true
But he just smiled, licked his lips and dropped some sandy poo
Chorus:
Snow in Bethlehem is bullshit even on Christmas Day
You get real cold, your feet get wet and cows eat frozen hay
Women wear more and beer ain’t refreshing and I don’t own a hat
I had to kill my camel Denis and wrap myself in his fat
Now I’d seen a lot of things, including bearded chicks
But it never snows in Bethlehem so I assumed dirty tricks
I punched a man who walked on by because he looked real dumb
By then the snow was four feet deep and my balls were getting numb
I ate some snow because it was free and all the world went black
It wasn’t snow but instead was bleach that had fallen from my sack
Chorus:
Snow in Bethlehem is bullshit even on Christmas Day
You get real cold, your feet get wet and cows eat frozen hay
Women wear more and beer ain’t refreshing and I don’t own a hat
I had to kill my camel Denis and wrap myself in his fat
You’ve been to a lot of Christmas services and once sold personalized, old timey Bibles at an amusement park but you’ve never heard this song before. You especially like the kicking beat that sounded more or less like this:
As soon as you sing the last words loud and proud, you start to disappear and feel good knowing that you spent at least a bit of time in church around Christmas. Two more days until you either die or go back home, who knows? Find out more tomorrow!
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Tagged Advent, Advent 2014, advent calendar, adventure, christmas, church, December, fun, hymn
Stop, drop and roll, then sit, logon and surf. Then read the previous Advent adventure entries, roll, drop, then read today’s.
December 1 December 9 December 17
December 2 December 10 December 18
December 3 December 11 December 19
December 4 December 12 December 20
December 5 December 13 December 21
December 6 December 14
December 7 December 15
December 8 December 16
You’re walking down a decrepit downtown street in a city that looks a lot like Jackson, Mississippi. You won a trip there through the famous “Win a Trip to Jackson” contest that Pringles ran a few years ago. Remember those commercials?
Anyway, up ahead a beggar is seeking change or maybe something else like food or juice. When you get closer you recognize the man as actor Chevy Chase. Looks like you’ve been transported into the movie you were hoping to see the preview for. Pretty cool that you get to meet another celebrity on this journey, the first being Gary Oldman back on December 2. Your career number of celeb encounters has now doubled, the first two being Cheri Oteri and Stone Cold Steve Austin who you saw on a date once when you used to valet cars during university.
“Spare any treats?” Chevy asks with that classic wide-eyed face he sometimes uses.
You move to check your pockets and realize that the outfit you’ve been wearing doesn’t have any. Had you noticed this earlier you would’ve totally had those aliens sew you some.
“How about a joke instead?” you respond.
“I can’t eat one of those but jokes are the candy of the soul,” Chevy says.
You kind of expected him to say “no” and scowl at you, so now you have to come up with a joke. You kind of wish you hadn’t thrown out that “Big Book of Common Gags” that your niece gave you last Halloween. You rely on your natural wit instead.
“How many… uh… how many Thomas Edisons does it take to… screw… I mean invent a lightbulb?”
“Well just one I would suppose,” Chevy says with a smirk. “That’s pretty funny actually.”
“No, wrong. It’s uh… two. Two Thomas Edisons. One to invent the lightbulb and another to… umm… another to market it and… test it?” you stumble. Man, that sucked.
“Sounds like you’re in more trouble than I am and I’m in big trouble. If I don’t get to St. Louis by noon tomorrow my kids are going to explode.”
You had read about the movie’s plot on a small-time Hollywood blog run by a guy who calls himself “Philm” and thought it sounded pretty cool but now you’re not so sure.
Chevy produces a flyer from the breast pocket of the burlap duster he’s got on.
“Take this. Father Ben helped me realize the true meaning of Christmas and taught me enough piano to win the jazz contest, which I’ll need to do to be able afford to buy my wife back from the hackers. After I get my kids back of course.”
BINGO. The Advent date gate that should lead to your next, stupid adventure. You wish he hadn’t further ruined the plot of the movie but it sounds like dog shit so you’ll probably skip it anyway.
“Thanks a lot mister. Can you autograph it for me?” you ask.
“Of course, of course.”
Chevy takes a lump of coal out from under his hat and scribbles something on the flyer. He hands it back.
You were hoping he’d sign it “C. Chase” but since you’re actually in a movie you suppose it makes sense. Weird name for a character though.
The autograph starts to glow and you realize that it represents this phase’s Advent treat. You start to disappear and smile knowing this thing is almost over because you’re tired of doing it every day.
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Tagged Advent, Advent 2014, advent calendar, adventure, chevy chase, christmas, December, film, fun, Jackson, movie, movies
GLENN W. MACAULAY 
